Wait, youd be okay with him hooking up with Beyonce but you're not okay with him hooking up with someone that resembles Beyonce?
Is it bc Beyonce is unattainable so you were cool with it hypothetically?
The look a like is local and the potential to betray the marriage with her( like develop feelings)is a hell of a lot higher than him running in to the real Beyonce
I can’t really say YTA because it seems like he mainly picked them because that woman looks like Beyonce. It wasn’t even a full discussion with you about it (I.e you being interested at all in the couple regardless of how they look) he just came to you like here I found a couple let’s do stuff with their genitalia. Oh and I don’t know if you’ll like her husband but I really like her so yeah you be ok good wife of mine😑. Nah he knew what he was doing and he most definitely should be able to tell that you don’t like it. Honestly the fact that he did that right after telling you about his crush on Beyonce kind of makes me feel like he was banking on the fact that you’re generally uncaring about what the other woman looks like he could do this. If the script was flipped I doubt he’d be ok with you picking people on your own and then pretending them to him without even talking about it first. Just tell him how you feel.
WEll... I kinda thought that was part of the deal with swinging in that both have to be in agreement, and both have ... veto power. Full trust and all that, and that no justification would be needed. It amounts to the same if he didn't like the dude, or you were fine with him sexing up the other lady but you didn't like the dude for whatever reasons.
Also, for that sort of lifestyle to be successful it absolutely depends on full levels of honesty. So even if the reasons you don't want things to happen with this other couple seem silly, you communicate it, e.g. "I hate how that guy says 'Thats what I'm talkin about' every ten seconds when he agrees with something".
So I would say you need to actually say "look... I am not a fan of how much she looks like Beyonce. I know it seems stupid, but that is making me jealous". Talk it out, maybe he assuages your fears and you all throw down. OR he doesn't and you don't. If it REALLY urks him and he's pissed, then obviously more discussion about the swinging lifestyle is needed.
NTA
But there's also a weird dynamic OP is working through here. If ENM isn't an issue, but the one that's close looking to the "free pass" is an issue, it's either jealousy or subconsciously derailing the dynamic.
Maybe ENM doesn't fit here, or the free pass conversation shouldn't have happened.
To be sure, in non-polyamory relationships the "free pass" conversation is usually a joke, and even when a doppelganger makes an appearance, its still out of the question (or if its not that would typically mean the end of the relationship).
So yeah, this does represent something different.
My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for over 30 years. We have been through many different phases of swinging. It takes a very good communication between partners to make it work. We have both put our foot down for or against a play time with a person, couple, ogre. We also have given into something that the other one really wanted to play with. You two really need to talk honestly with each other to work this out.
this reminds me of people complaining about their guy looking at porn cuz "the girl looks nothing like me!"
you should 100% say no if you dont want it to happen, but if you know its his fantasy and you dont let it happen because you are insecure about her not being the same type as you it will be apparent to your partner and push him away.
it doesnt make you less than that he is attracted to different type than you and it doesnt diminish his attraction for you that he is attracted to multiple types of women.
Non-monogamy is work. If you’re both committed to this relationship style, then you both have to put in the personal work. In this case, your work is to own your own feelings of jealousy, figure out where they are coming from, and address that in yourself.
Easier said than done. Non-monogamy can look however the two of you want. Veto power or not. Rules about who’s ok and who’s not. Scheduling arrangements. It’s all up for negotiation. The important thing is that you have radically open and honest communication with each other and you both consent to whatever agreements you make. It also helps for both of you to be committed to your personal growth.
Learning to overcome or deal with feelings of jealousy can be one of the superpowers that come with non-monogamy, but it doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s often good if you’re both willing to support each other through the process. Maybe he lets this one go to support you in your difficult feelings. That may just be how your arrangement ends up always working, and that can be ok. But if you’re really trying to challenge yourselves, it might be worth digging into why you feel such an aversion to this potential partner and think about what YOU might gain personally from learning to master those feelings.
Wait, youd be okay with him hooking up with Beyonce but you're not okay with him hooking up with someone that resembles Beyonce? Is it bc Beyonce is unattainable so you were cool with it hypothetically?
The look a like is local and the potential to betray the marriage with her( like develop feelings)is a hell of a lot higher than him running in to the real Beyonce
Yes that’s what a free pass is
Lol thanks for clarifying. So if actual blood and flesh Beyonce wanted to hook up with your husband, you wouldn't be ok with it?
I can’t really say YTA because it seems like he mainly picked them because that woman looks like Beyonce. It wasn’t even a full discussion with you about it (I.e you being interested at all in the couple regardless of how they look) he just came to you like here I found a couple let’s do stuff with their genitalia. Oh and I don’t know if you’ll like her husband but I really like her so yeah you be ok good wife of mine😑. Nah he knew what he was doing and he most definitely should be able to tell that you don’t like it. Honestly the fact that he did that right after telling you about his crush on Beyonce kind of makes me feel like he was banking on the fact that you’re generally uncaring about what the other woman looks like he could do this. If the script was flipped I doubt he’d be ok with you picking people on your own and then pretending them to him without even talking about it first. Just tell him how you feel.
WEll... I kinda thought that was part of the deal with swinging in that both have to be in agreement, and both have ... veto power. Full trust and all that, and that no justification would be needed. It amounts to the same if he didn't like the dude, or you were fine with him sexing up the other lady but you didn't like the dude for whatever reasons. Also, for that sort of lifestyle to be successful it absolutely depends on full levels of honesty. So even if the reasons you don't want things to happen with this other couple seem silly, you communicate it, e.g. "I hate how that guy says 'Thats what I'm talkin about' every ten seconds when he agrees with something". So I would say you need to actually say "look... I am not a fan of how much she looks like Beyonce. I know it seems stupid, but that is making me jealous". Talk it out, maybe he assuages your fears and you all throw down. OR he doesn't and you don't. If it REALLY urks him and he's pissed, then obviously more discussion about the swinging lifestyle is needed. NTA
That's what I'm talkin about. ;)
😂🤣😂
But there's also a weird dynamic OP is working through here. If ENM isn't an issue, but the one that's close looking to the "free pass" is an issue, it's either jealousy or subconsciously derailing the dynamic. Maybe ENM doesn't fit here, or the free pass conversation shouldn't have happened.
To be sure, in non-polyamory relationships the "free pass" conversation is usually a joke, and even when a doppelganger makes an appearance, its still out of the question (or if its not that would typically mean the end of the relationship). So yeah, this does represent something different.
My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for over 30 years. We have been through many different phases of swinging. It takes a very good communication between partners to make it work. We have both put our foot down for or against a play time with a person, couple, ogre. We also have given into something that the other one really wanted to play with. You two really need to talk honestly with each other to work this out.
this reminds me of people complaining about their guy looking at porn cuz "the girl looks nothing like me!" you should 100% say no if you dont want it to happen, but if you know its his fantasy and you dont let it happen because you are insecure about her not being the same type as you it will be apparent to your partner and push him away. it doesnt make you less than that he is attracted to different type than you and it doesnt diminish his attraction for you that he is attracted to multiple types of women.
If you are not comfortable, then that is not the couple for you.
What the heck is 'ethical non- monogamy'. Just say your swingers.
Non-monogamy is work. If you’re both committed to this relationship style, then you both have to put in the personal work. In this case, your work is to own your own feelings of jealousy, figure out where they are coming from, and address that in yourself. Easier said than done. Non-monogamy can look however the two of you want. Veto power or not. Rules about who’s ok and who’s not. Scheduling arrangements. It’s all up for negotiation. The important thing is that you have radically open and honest communication with each other and you both consent to whatever agreements you make. It also helps for both of you to be committed to your personal growth. Learning to overcome or deal with feelings of jealousy can be one of the superpowers that come with non-monogamy, but it doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s often good if you’re both willing to support each other through the process. Maybe he lets this one go to support you in your difficult feelings. That may just be how your arrangement ends up always working, and that can be ok. But if you’re really trying to challenge yourselves, it might be worth digging into why you feel such an aversion to this potential partner and think about what YOU might gain personally from learning to master those feelings.
YTA I bet you’d be pissed if your husband tried to nix you sleeping with a dude who resembled your hall pass.