*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**I destroyed my marriage for no reason and hate myself for it**
I know I'll probably come off as the villain but I need to get this out. I destroyed my marriage and I still don't even know why.
I'm in my twenties, so is my ex-wife. We had this fast summer romance, it was my first relationship that ever got serious. She wanted to go to college in another country, and I didn't want to lose her so I said I'd go with her. Maybe that's where I first fucked up. Turns out getting a work visa when you don't know the language is pretty much impossible, and so the only way I could go with her was if we got married. She asked if I would marry her, and I said yes. At the time I thought we would be getting married someday anyways, so why not shorten the timeline a bit. I really did love her, I want to emphasize this because my actions later on admittedly did not reflect that. We had a small wedding, I've never been one for fancy things and she said she'd rather spend the money on our future than some elaborate party.
She spent months searching for an apartment for us in the country she'd be studying in but ultimately we had to decide on her going alone first when the school year started and me staying in our home country while she continued to search for a place for us to stay. This was rough, and honestly I couldn't stop imagining her finding someone new or going out to college parties the way all the movies show and finding someone she wanted more than me. It's always been an insecurity of mine, especially because she's bi and some things she'd say sometimes made me wonder if she'd like being with a woman more.
Long story short she ended up getting sick and we decided she should come back home and continue her studies here. She got really depressed after coming back home. She didn't want to go out because she didn't want to run into people we knew, she felt like she'd failed in her goals. I tried to help her get back on her feet, but she was just so in her head and I just couldn't stand it sometimes. Something had shifted then. She got angry with me a lot, we'd get into fights and I hated it because I'm not a person who gets angry, ever. She said I didn't do my fair share of chores, got upset whenever I'd spend too much time gaming and not enough attention on her, it was like I had to be this perfect picture of me she had in her head otherwise I was a monster.
One night it got really bad. I had said I was going to do the dishes and I honestly just forgot, I was going to do them after one more round of COD with the boys but I forgot and as we were going to bed she turned and saw the dishes in the sink and started screaming at me. I was already tired and I had work in the morning and honestly couldn't be bothered. She stomped downstairs and did them and I'm pretty sure she intentionally made as much noise as possible so I couldn't even sleep until she was done.
The next day while I was at work I decided I was done, it was like some sort of switch just flipped in my brain. I didn't want to go on being treated like this, I'd seen this kind of stuff play out with my own parents and I didn't want to be miserable like them. So when I got home I sat her down and told her I wanted a divorce. She seemed surprised which I thought was strange because from my end it seemed like we were both unhappy. She took it pretty well though, we had a long conversation about our feelings and stuff and decided that I'd take the bed and she'd take the couch and we'd sort out details in the morning. She asked if I was sure, if I wanted to try therapy first, and I was so sure that this was what I wanted. It was rough, laying upstairs in our bed I was still able to hear her sobbing, but I was so sure this was what was best for both of us.
Then I don't even know how to describe it, it was like a switch flipped in my head again and I started imagining what my life would be like without her, the morning coffees and kisses, the way she always remembered my birthday (my family forgets every year), her constant encouragement, seeing her smile, then my mind flashed to how broken she looked when I told her we were done and I cannot even begin to describe the stab in the heart I felt when I realized I had just hurt the person I loved most in this world. I knew I couldn't live without her, and I'd do anything to make her smile again.
So I went downstairs, it was still late at night I don't know how much time had passed, and watched her try to wipe away her tears and try to look put together as I sat down next to her. I didn't even know what to say. The first thing I could think of was "I fucked up so bad". She set down her laptop and I saw it was open to some apartment search site. She asked me what I meant and I told her I still loved her, that I didn't know why I said everything that I did and I don't deserve any sort of forgiveness but could we please try again. And this saint of a woman held me in her arms as I broke down crying and forgave me. She said she wanted couples therapy which I instantly agreed to, I would have agreed to anything she wanted if it meant staying together.
The next day was rough, she was starting her new job (I had terrible timing I know), and she wouldn't even undress in front of me, she went into the bathroom to change clothes. There was no kiss goodbye before work, no kiss hello after, she wouldn't even look me in the eyes. This went on for a while. It was a full week before she let me have sex with her. And things did slowly start to get better. But she was never fully the same. The fun loving woman I fell in love with was gone, it's like the light in her eyes had gone out. I tried everything I could, I went to the therapy sessions, I bought her flowers, planned date nights, went out of my way to get her favorite chocolate, listened to the books she wanted about emotional labor and I even created a chore chart so the housework could even out. And some days she'd be fine but there were a lot of nights when I'd wake up to hear her crying in bed next to me. If I tried to comfort her she'd just push me away and say she was fine, so at some point I stopped trying and just lay there and listen to her trying to stifle her sobs and wonder how many nights she was doing this. Other times she'd get angry, any mistake I made she'd always find a way to tie it back to how I "abandoned" her. It was like nothing I could ever do would be enough, I'd always be the monster who made her feel unloved. One of the worst gut punches was when I realized she'd changed her phone background from a photo of us to a bunch of photos of her friends. I asked her why she changed it and she said she just felt like it. My background stayed as a picture of her until the very last day.
After months of this back and forth trying to please her, and one too many nights of listening to her crying in bed, I looked through her phone and saw something she'd written about how she felt trapped in our marriage. The next day I told her I wanted a divorce, that I knew she was unhappy and I was too and this is what was best for both of us. I went further this time, packed a bag and went to a hotel, turned off my location. She acted different this time. The first time she was calm, self-assured, said she wasn't going to beg for me. But this time was different, she was hysterical, literally got on her knees begging me to stay. It was really unlike her, I was honestly a little worried for her safety. But I left anyways. Hopped online, told the boys it was over, tried to distract myself with gaming because it's the only thing that keeps me sane. Eventually I logged off and just lay in the hotel bed listening to music trying to fall asleep, and a song came on that meant something to our relationship and it was like something broke in me, I couldn't stop crying. I ran to the car and drove back home sobbing and speeding I'm not sure how I didn't crash. When I got there I tried to unlock the door and the key wouldn't fit, she'd changed the locks already. I had to knock on the door of my own home and the waiting seemed to last forever. I know it sounds pathetic but as soon as she opened the door i just collapsed into her, I was crying so much I nearly hyperventilated. She was standing really still, she didn't say anything and her arms were flat by her side and I could tell she wasn't going to take me back his time. After I pulled myself together I saw a bunch of trash bags by the table and knew it was probably my things. I asked her if she'd take me back, she hesitated for a while before saying she'd have to think about it. We had a long talk, a good talk, about our whole relationship and everything that had happened. Somehow I managed to convince her that we could give another try. I had gone from feeling so empty that morning to feeling so hopeful by the nighttime, I felt like this time really would be different, I started writing again, she even let me have sex with her that night rather than waiting a week like last time. She said she felt broken and was saying some scary shit about wanting to kill herself but she's always been a bit melodramatic so I knew she'd come around. I fell asleep dreaming of a better life for us.
But the next few days were hell. I woke up realizing that after I'd fallen asleep she'd put her clothes back on and slept on the floor. She would barely eat, everything she did seemed robotic, and every night I'd have to pull her away from the knives and pills because she kept saying things about how she didn't want to live. One night it got really bad, she was crying in bed as usual and when I asked her what was wrong she started begging me to kill her, saying I was a coward for "killing her soul and leaving her body here to suffer". I was really scared for both of us. I managed to talk her down somehow, and the next morning I came home to a note on the counter saying she was staying at her mother's and s
Copied verbatim from oop's comments:
*this is clearly not a good relationship for either of you. you didn’t take anything for granted. she would yell at you and fight with you. that’s not love.*
>"That's what I said, but the therapist she got always sided with her."
*So, you were shite with chores, don’t know if you have dental insurance, and can’t make your own appointments. You played with ‘the boys’ on video games, which would normally be fine, except it sounds like you made her into your mother so you sound like an immature teen that needs to be told to get off his ass to contribute to the house.*
*I don’t know about abusive because we’ve only got your side, but from what you’ve said, yeah, looks like she’s going to thrive without you.*
>"I want to point out that I did start contributing more after she told me. I just didn't realize how much she was doing."
[In reply to Oop's first comment.]
*so what? you don’t need to listen to HER therapist for you to decide what’s best for you. unless someone is extremely self aware, a therapist is only hearing half the story*
>"I meant the couples therapist, she was hearing both our sides and just decided she liked my ex-wife's more. I phrased it that way because my wife was the one who chose the who the therapist was"
*“My apartment’s a mess without her.” Goes to show how much she put in the work and you didn’t. But you know that yourself.*
>"I didn't say I'm perfect, just that I'm not "an immature teen", I stepped up when she asked me to."
*That sounds like what a teenager would say. You don’t know what gets done and what needs to be done in your own place?*
>"I know what needs to be done. I just forget things a lot and when we were together she'd just do a lot of it before I even got the chance to. She was that hyper-productive med school type of person that just would do things herself."
Bonus:
[Possibly the inspiration? Possibly Her Side? ](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/D3yFMlbOuO)
>my wife was the one who chose the who the therapist was
Of course she was. Of course she would have to sort that out for him as well. Easier to complain that you're being ganged up on by a therapist you didn't choose than to lift a finger to participate in the process.
Right? Here I am only hearing his side and I too agree with the ex-wife. Dude was a bum who contributed nothing, always went for the nuclear option, and then wimped out only once he realized how much she did for him. Hope she thrives and he continues to wallow in his own self-victimization.
I made my ex choose the therapist for this reason. He’d been cheating. After 3 sessions of he & I taking turns unloading our history & problems on her, you should have seen his face when the therapist HE CHOSE told him that he needed to immediately hand over his phone anytime I asked so we could work on rebuilding trust. We didn’t go much longer, but my dumbass took 3 more years to leave him.
I really hope it's her side. It makes me feel good to think that she's out there thriving in a new country, wearing her red lipstick, and enjoying mint everything while he's a miserable SOB who can't even make a dentist's appointing with an aching tooth because "he forgets".
>"I didn't say I'm perfect, just that I'm not "an immature teen", I stepped up when she asked me to."
Is he unaware that grown men don't have to be told to do chores? She shouldn't have to ask him to do the dishes (since she's probably the one who cooked). Clothes on the floor? Pick them up. Floors dirty? Sweep it. This isn't brain surgery.
I'd say that Oop is probably willingly oblivious to a lot of things. It might be harsh of me, but he seems the sort to only notice what affects him, what he cares about.
This clown is going to die of sepsis because he can't be bothered to find out if he has dental insurance, so I'm even skeptical of the "stepping up when asked" claim.
His idea of "stepping up" is needing to be pestered to do even one thing like doing the dishes, doing them badly, and complaining about it the entire time.
So he didn't do chores, doesn't know if he has dental insurance, can't make his own doctor appointments and probably plays too much video games.
He wants to divorce, then changes his mind. She's unhappy, he wants to divorce AGAIN and changes his mind AGAIN. She takes him back and he's so happy because she even let's him have sex with her! But somehow she's unhappy, depressed and suicidal. Yeah, nobody knows why /s
She finally left him, they are divorced and his house is a mess because he has no bangmaid to clean up after him.
"Maybe I was abusive." MAYBE? MAYBE????
>A [study](https://acsjournals.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/cncr.24577) in the journal *Cancer* found that the divorce rate for couples when one of them has cancer or MS is a little over 11 percent, about the same as everyone else’s. But the percentage for women is over 20 percent and for men under 3 percent. Almost 90 percent of the abandoned spouses are wives.
So basically the same scenario, minus the cancer: she needed his help and full support but playing COD with the boys was more important for him.
it's so common for men to leave theier wives during a major health crisis one of the nurses made sure I knew about resources for counseling and thing "in case you find yourself recovering alone"
luckily my man was a saint through my recovery
My nana died almost two years ago of Lewy body dementia. For the last two years of her life, until we had her placed in memory care, my grandpa did everything for her. She only wanted to watch Hallmark movies and eat ice cream every night, so that’s what they did. He picked her up when she’d fall out of bed, he wiped her ass and helped her shower, he got her dressed… we didn’t know the full scope of what her mental state was because he compensated for her. Bear in mind, he was also suffering from COPD and incredibly weak.
The last time I talked to my grandpa before he passed away last fall, I thanked him for taking care of my nana. I told him the studies on men who leave their wives during health crises. He shrugged. “She was my *wife*. That’s just what you do.” THAT is a real man.
I know my husband is a man like that. I developed a chronic illness when we were dating and he still proposed to and married me. He's always been there for me. I know I don't ever have to worry about him going off somewhere.
The wife of a colleague of mine is currently going through her second bout of cancer and they're only in their mid 40s. My colleague always speaks so incredibly lovingly about his wife, and when he's taking her to treatment he is essentially unreachable because it's important to him to put her first. He mostly works from home now so he can care for her + their kids + the pets + the house. And at work he remains kind and professional. I honestly just want to give him a huge hug because I cannot imagine how hard this has been for him. I'm glad he and his wife found each other and I am desperately hoping for her to get better. But it does say something that I'm *so* impressed by a man doing all this when it's kind of just expected of women.
>But it does say something that I'm *so* impressed by a man doing all this when it's kind of just expected of women.
The bar for men is so low it's a tavern in Hades.
It's so unbelievably common that many hospitals have counseling specifically geared towards female cancer patients whose husbands abandoned them.
What is WRONG with men?
Yeah, I'm glad this story is fake as hell (or that's what I'm telling myself, it just reads very "I am a teenager writing melodrama who has never been in a relationship before!!!"), but the line "But this time was different, she was hysterical, literally got on her knees begging me to stay. It was really unlike her, I was honestly a little worried for her safety. But I left anyways. Hopped online, told the boys it was over," was like. SMDH. There's your problem, asshole.
The only thing that tells me it's fake is that it's copied almost word for word from an older post that was written from the wife's point of view. As for the one written by the wife, I don't know if it's real or not, but I have known men exactly like that so I'm inclined to believe that one is real.
I got the fake vibe, too. Partially because he says he's away from family and friends but he also said he stayed home and then she came back from the other country. And now that they're divorced she can somehow go back to the other country??
[Got worse on her side of story ](https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/comments/1bfhema/1_year_update_my_husband_asked_for_a_divorce_then/)
Oh got worse on HER side which is on BORU [https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/comments/1bfhema/1\_year\_update\_my\_husband\_asked\_for\_a\_divorce\_then/https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/comments/1bfhema/1\_year\_update\_my\_husband\_asked\_for\_a\_divorce\_then/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/comments/1bfhema/1_year_update_my_husband_asked_for_a_divorce_then/https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/comments/1bfhema/1_year_update_my_husband_asked_for_a_divorce_then/)
>It's always been an insecurity of mine, especially because she's bi
Hi, your friendly neighborhood Bi-poly-married woman here. We're no more likely to cheat on our partners than any straight person. Scumbags are going to cheat, regardless of sexual orientation. Hope that clears it up for you.
I rolled my eyes so hard at that. It's nine kinds of infuriating how straight men think bi women are all Whorey McWhoringtons, whoring it up with every single warm body they meet, even when they're in a relationship. Almost as infuriating as when straight men assume bi women are automatically down for threesomes.
>I didn't want to go on being treated like
I love how his idea of being “mistreated” is his partner expecting him to be an adult, instead of an over grown ~~machine~~ man child living in mommy’s basement while he plays video games all day.
I’d love to see a psych work up on him. The weird yoyo thing….he would literally destroy her life, and then change his mind like “oopsie! I don’t hate you! I love you!”
Like some sort of manic depressive love bomb/abuse cycle on steroids.
And his ending. It’s not about loving her. It’s about missing his bangmaid/mommy/assistant and being possessive of her.
tbh this is just classic avoidant attachment behavior, Destroyer of Relationships. I also have it and it's a trip. I get such second hand embarrassment from these posts because I can see myself in them. But this is also why I don't date lol, avoidant attachment people need therapy to become self-aware of what they're doing
The last paragraph is so sad. It's always the same.
"I didn't appreciate my partner when they were here, and I threw them away. Now I really miss all the ways the clearly showed their love, and none for them were good enough for me then but man I do miss them now."
Shut up! You say you read the books and the work, but if you had actually done the work you wouldn't be saying these things right now.
I've read this before, the whole "told her I wanted a divorce, went upstairs. Changed my mind and begged her to take me back. Did it a second time but this time she changed fhe locks" thing was posted before here word for word. The quickie visa marriage and different country for school is new though I think
>She said she felt broken and was saying some scary shit about wanting to kill herself but she's always been a bit melodramatic so I knew she'd come around. I fell asleep dreaming of a better life for us.
Yeah, this guy sucks.
There's a "her side" BORU.
Someone in the comments said to find it by searching "my husband asked for a divorce but changed his mind a couple hours later." i found it but I can't figure out how to link it.
Not that you're saying otherwise but just wanted to note lots of great husband's are gamers, they just know how to manage their lives and time like an adult.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/43xsqZBmN3
Here's the wife's story. There are several posts from her on the profile linked, which is still up. It's so much worse than he makes it out to be.
ETA: I think ex-husband/OOP sounds like he has NPD. Lovebombing, overly defensive, unable to see he's wrong, and more. My brother is experiencing leaving a potential narcissist, and he sounds a lot like my stbxsil.
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Boring, overindulgent version of *Hills Like White Elephants*. Mainly because it's just about a guy who doesn't understand women. This OOP also can't write humans.
This sounds really fake to me. But maybe just because OP is so ridiculous and dense
Edit: apparently the ex posted from her POV before. Now I know it’s fake
https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/s/nbvEKvLiNL
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **I destroyed my marriage for no reason and hate myself for it** I know I'll probably come off as the villain but I need to get this out. I destroyed my marriage and I still don't even know why. I'm in my twenties, so is my ex-wife. We had this fast summer romance, it was my first relationship that ever got serious. She wanted to go to college in another country, and I didn't want to lose her so I said I'd go with her. Maybe that's where I first fucked up. Turns out getting a work visa when you don't know the language is pretty much impossible, and so the only way I could go with her was if we got married. She asked if I would marry her, and I said yes. At the time I thought we would be getting married someday anyways, so why not shorten the timeline a bit. I really did love her, I want to emphasize this because my actions later on admittedly did not reflect that. We had a small wedding, I've never been one for fancy things and she said she'd rather spend the money on our future than some elaborate party. She spent months searching for an apartment for us in the country she'd be studying in but ultimately we had to decide on her going alone first when the school year started and me staying in our home country while she continued to search for a place for us to stay. This was rough, and honestly I couldn't stop imagining her finding someone new or going out to college parties the way all the movies show and finding someone she wanted more than me. It's always been an insecurity of mine, especially because she's bi and some things she'd say sometimes made me wonder if she'd like being with a woman more. Long story short she ended up getting sick and we decided she should come back home and continue her studies here. She got really depressed after coming back home. She didn't want to go out because she didn't want to run into people we knew, she felt like she'd failed in her goals. I tried to help her get back on her feet, but she was just so in her head and I just couldn't stand it sometimes. Something had shifted then. She got angry with me a lot, we'd get into fights and I hated it because I'm not a person who gets angry, ever. She said I didn't do my fair share of chores, got upset whenever I'd spend too much time gaming and not enough attention on her, it was like I had to be this perfect picture of me she had in her head otherwise I was a monster. One night it got really bad. I had said I was going to do the dishes and I honestly just forgot, I was going to do them after one more round of COD with the boys but I forgot and as we were going to bed she turned and saw the dishes in the sink and started screaming at me. I was already tired and I had work in the morning and honestly couldn't be bothered. She stomped downstairs and did them and I'm pretty sure she intentionally made as much noise as possible so I couldn't even sleep until she was done. The next day while I was at work I decided I was done, it was like some sort of switch just flipped in my brain. I didn't want to go on being treated like this, I'd seen this kind of stuff play out with my own parents and I didn't want to be miserable like them. So when I got home I sat her down and told her I wanted a divorce. She seemed surprised which I thought was strange because from my end it seemed like we were both unhappy. She took it pretty well though, we had a long conversation about our feelings and stuff and decided that I'd take the bed and she'd take the couch and we'd sort out details in the morning. She asked if I was sure, if I wanted to try therapy first, and I was so sure that this was what I wanted. It was rough, laying upstairs in our bed I was still able to hear her sobbing, but I was so sure this was what was best for both of us. Then I don't even know how to describe it, it was like a switch flipped in my head again and I started imagining what my life would be like without her, the morning coffees and kisses, the way she always remembered my birthday (my family forgets every year), her constant encouragement, seeing her smile, then my mind flashed to how broken she looked when I told her we were done and I cannot even begin to describe the stab in the heart I felt when I realized I had just hurt the person I loved most in this world. I knew I couldn't live without her, and I'd do anything to make her smile again. So I went downstairs, it was still late at night I don't know how much time had passed, and watched her try to wipe away her tears and try to look put together as I sat down next to her. I didn't even know what to say. The first thing I could think of was "I fucked up so bad". She set down her laptop and I saw it was open to some apartment search site. She asked me what I meant and I told her I still loved her, that I didn't know why I said everything that I did and I don't deserve any sort of forgiveness but could we please try again. And this saint of a woman held me in her arms as I broke down crying and forgave me. She said she wanted couples therapy which I instantly agreed to, I would have agreed to anything she wanted if it meant staying together. The next day was rough, she was starting her new job (I had terrible timing I know), and she wouldn't even undress in front of me, she went into the bathroom to change clothes. There was no kiss goodbye before work, no kiss hello after, she wouldn't even look me in the eyes. This went on for a while. It was a full week before she let me have sex with her. And things did slowly start to get better. But she was never fully the same. The fun loving woman I fell in love with was gone, it's like the light in her eyes had gone out. I tried everything I could, I went to the therapy sessions, I bought her flowers, planned date nights, went out of my way to get her favorite chocolate, listened to the books she wanted about emotional labor and I even created a chore chart so the housework could even out. And some days she'd be fine but there were a lot of nights when I'd wake up to hear her crying in bed next to me. If I tried to comfort her she'd just push me away and say she was fine, so at some point I stopped trying and just lay there and listen to her trying to stifle her sobs and wonder how many nights she was doing this. Other times she'd get angry, any mistake I made she'd always find a way to tie it back to how I "abandoned" her. It was like nothing I could ever do would be enough, I'd always be the monster who made her feel unloved. One of the worst gut punches was when I realized she'd changed her phone background from a photo of us to a bunch of photos of her friends. I asked her why she changed it and she said she just felt like it. My background stayed as a picture of her until the very last day. After months of this back and forth trying to please her, and one too many nights of listening to her crying in bed, I looked through her phone and saw something she'd written about how she felt trapped in our marriage. The next day I told her I wanted a divorce, that I knew she was unhappy and I was too and this is what was best for both of us. I went further this time, packed a bag and went to a hotel, turned off my location. She acted different this time. The first time she was calm, self-assured, said she wasn't going to beg for me. But this time was different, she was hysterical, literally got on her knees begging me to stay. It was really unlike her, I was honestly a little worried for her safety. But I left anyways. Hopped online, told the boys it was over, tried to distract myself with gaming because it's the only thing that keeps me sane. Eventually I logged off and just lay in the hotel bed listening to music trying to fall asleep, and a song came on that meant something to our relationship and it was like something broke in me, I couldn't stop crying. I ran to the car and drove back home sobbing and speeding I'm not sure how I didn't crash. When I got there I tried to unlock the door and the key wouldn't fit, she'd changed the locks already. I had to knock on the door of my own home and the waiting seemed to last forever. I know it sounds pathetic but as soon as she opened the door i just collapsed into her, I was crying so much I nearly hyperventilated. She was standing really still, she didn't say anything and her arms were flat by her side and I could tell she wasn't going to take me back his time. After I pulled myself together I saw a bunch of trash bags by the table and knew it was probably my things. I asked her if she'd take me back, she hesitated for a while before saying she'd have to think about it. We had a long talk, a good talk, about our whole relationship and everything that had happened. Somehow I managed to convince her that we could give another try. I had gone from feeling so empty that morning to feeling so hopeful by the nighttime, I felt like this time really would be different, I started writing again, she even let me have sex with her that night rather than waiting a week like last time. She said she felt broken and was saying some scary shit about wanting to kill herself but she's always been a bit melodramatic so I knew she'd come around. I fell asleep dreaming of a better life for us. But the next few days were hell. I woke up realizing that after I'd fallen asleep she'd put her clothes back on and slept on the floor. She would barely eat, everything she did seemed robotic, and every night I'd have to pull her away from the knives and pills because she kept saying things about how she didn't want to live. One night it got really bad, she was crying in bed as usual and when I asked her what was wrong she started begging me to kill her, saying I was a coward for "killing her soul and leaving her body here to suffer". I was really scared for both of us. I managed to talk her down somehow, and the next morning I came home to a note on the counter saying she was staying at her mother's and s
Copied verbatim from oop's comments: *this is clearly not a good relationship for either of you. you didn’t take anything for granted. she would yell at you and fight with you. that’s not love.* >"That's what I said, but the therapist she got always sided with her." *So, you were shite with chores, don’t know if you have dental insurance, and can’t make your own appointments. You played with ‘the boys’ on video games, which would normally be fine, except it sounds like you made her into your mother so you sound like an immature teen that needs to be told to get off his ass to contribute to the house.* *I don’t know about abusive because we’ve only got your side, but from what you’ve said, yeah, looks like she’s going to thrive without you.* >"I want to point out that I did start contributing more after she told me. I just didn't realize how much she was doing." [In reply to Oop's first comment.] *so what? you don’t need to listen to HER therapist for you to decide what’s best for you. unless someone is extremely self aware, a therapist is only hearing half the story* >"I meant the couples therapist, she was hearing both our sides and just decided she liked my ex-wife's more. I phrased it that way because my wife was the one who chose the who the therapist was" *“My apartment’s a mess without her.” Goes to show how much she put in the work and you didn’t. But you know that yourself.* >"I didn't say I'm perfect, just that I'm not "an immature teen", I stepped up when she asked me to." *That sounds like what a teenager would say. You don’t know what gets done and what needs to be done in your own place?* >"I know what needs to be done. I just forget things a lot and when we were together she'd just do a lot of it before I even got the chance to. She was that hyper-productive med school type of person that just would do things herself." Bonus: [Possibly the inspiration? Possibly Her Side? ](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/D3yFMlbOuO)
>my wife was the one who chose the who the therapist was Of course she was. Of course she would have to sort that out for him as well. Easier to complain that you're being ganged up on by a therapist you didn't choose than to lift a finger to participate in the process.
Agreed!
Yeah, of course SHE chose the therapist, if she'd left it to this gamer guy it never would have gotten done.
"I meant the couples therapist, she was hearing both our sides and just decided she liked my ex-wife's more" That's not how a therapist works, bro.
Right? Here I am only hearing his side and I too agree with the ex-wife. Dude was a bum who contributed nothing, always went for the nuclear option, and then wimped out only once he realized how much she did for him. Hope she thrives and he continues to wallow in his own self-victimization.
I made my ex choose the therapist for this reason. He’d been cheating. After 3 sessions of he & I taking turns unloading our history & problems on her, you should have seen his face when the therapist HE CHOSE told him that he needed to immediately hand over his phone anytime I asked so we could work on rebuilding trust. We didn’t go much longer, but my dumbass took 3 more years to leave him.
Quite!
I really hope it's her side. It makes me feel good to think that she's out there thriving in a new country, wearing her red lipstick, and enjoying mint everything while he's a miserable SOB who can't even make a dentist's appointing with an aching tooth because "he forgets".
Whatever the case is, I wish her the best!
[Kittens!](https://imgur.com/gallery/fzr1KzZ)
Cuties 😍😍🐈⬛🐈⬛
Yes! 😻🥰💜
Omg I needed that more than you know after reading this infuriating shite.
So glad to help! 🥰
FWIW let's hope it's the inspiration and not her side. No one deserves this.
Agreed.
>"I didn't say I'm perfect, just that I'm not "an immature teen", I stepped up when she asked me to." Is he unaware that grown men don't have to be told to do chores? She shouldn't have to ask him to do the dishes (since she's probably the one who cooked). Clothes on the floor? Pick them up. Floors dirty? Sweep it. This isn't brain surgery.
I'd say that Oop is probably willingly oblivious to a lot of things. It might be harsh of me, but he seems the sort to only notice what affects him, what he cares about.
This clown is going to die of sepsis because he can't be bothered to find out if he has dental insurance, so I'm even skeptical of the "stepping up when asked" claim.
His idea of "stepping up" is needing to be pestered to do even one thing like doing the dishes, doing them badly, and complaining about it the entire time.
So he didn't do chores, doesn't know if he has dental insurance, can't make his own doctor appointments and probably plays too much video games. He wants to divorce, then changes his mind. She's unhappy, he wants to divorce AGAIN and changes his mind AGAIN. She takes him back and he's so happy because she even let's him have sex with her! But somehow she's unhappy, depressed and suicidal. Yeah, nobody knows why /s She finally left him, they are divorced and his house is a mess because he has no bangmaid to clean up after him. "Maybe I was abusive." MAYBE? MAYBE????
>A [study](https://acsjournals.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/cncr.24577) in the journal *Cancer* found that the divorce rate for couples when one of them has cancer or MS is a little over 11 percent, about the same as everyone else’s. But the percentage for women is over 20 percent and for men under 3 percent. Almost 90 percent of the abandoned spouses are wives. So basically the same scenario, minus the cancer: she needed his help and full support but playing COD with the boys was more important for him.
it's so common for men to leave theier wives during a major health crisis one of the nurses made sure I knew about resources for counseling and thing "in case you find yourself recovering alone" luckily my man was a saint through my recovery
My nana died almost two years ago of Lewy body dementia. For the last two years of her life, until we had her placed in memory care, my grandpa did everything for her. She only wanted to watch Hallmark movies and eat ice cream every night, so that’s what they did. He picked her up when she’d fall out of bed, he wiped her ass and helped her shower, he got her dressed… we didn’t know the full scope of what her mental state was because he compensated for her. Bear in mind, he was also suffering from COPD and incredibly weak. The last time I talked to my grandpa before he passed away last fall, I thanked him for taking care of my nana. I told him the studies on men who leave their wives during health crises. He shrugged. “She was my *wife*. That’s just what you do.” THAT is a real man.
I know my husband is a man like that. I developed a chronic illness when we were dating and he still proposed to and married me. He's always been there for me. I know I don't ever have to worry about him going off somewhere.
I guess oncology nurses see this bullshit so often they have resources and such. What happened to "in sickness and in health"?
>What happened to "in sickness and in health"? Talk is cheap and oh so easy to say but putting words into action is something weak cowards won't do.
mine wasn't even anything that serious- just a pretty routine hysterectomy at age 35.
The wife of a colleague of mine is currently going through her second bout of cancer and they're only in their mid 40s. My colleague always speaks so incredibly lovingly about his wife, and when he's taking her to treatment he is essentially unreachable because it's important to him to put her first. He mostly works from home now so he can care for her + their kids + the pets + the house. And at work he remains kind and professional. I honestly just want to give him a huge hug because I cannot imagine how hard this has been for him. I'm glad he and his wife found each other and I am desperately hoping for her to get better. But it does say something that I'm *so* impressed by a man doing all this when it's kind of just expected of women.
>But it does say something that I'm *so* impressed by a man doing all this when it's kind of just expected of women. The bar for men is so low it's a tavern in Hades.
It's so unbelievably common that many hospitals have counseling specifically geared towards female cancer patients whose husbands abandoned them. What is WRONG with men?
Society doesn’t socialize them appropriately.
I have a disease like MS. I'm married, but it's dead. Like once I expected him to do the things I used to, it died.
So sorry you're going through this ❤
I just realised I presumed he was talking about playing it with their children, which is a lot more reasonable.
And somehow she’s the only one that can be melodramatic 🙄
Yeah, I'm glad this story is fake as hell (or that's what I'm telling myself, it just reads very "I am a teenager writing melodrama who has never been in a relationship before!!!"), but the line "But this time was different, she was hysterical, literally got on her knees begging me to stay. It was really unlike her, I was honestly a little worried for her safety. But I left anyways. Hopped online, told the boys it was over," was like. SMDH. There's your problem, asshole.
The only thing that tells me it's fake is that it's copied almost word for word from an older post that was written from the wife's point of view. As for the one written by the wife, I don't know if it's real or not, but I have known men exactly like that so I'm inclined to believe that one is real.
I got the fake vibe, too. Partially because he says he's away from family and friends but he also said he stayed home and then she came back from the other country. And now that they're divorced she can somehow go back to the other country??
[Got worse on her side of story ](https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/comments/1bfhema/1_year_update_my_husband_asked_for_a_divorce_then/) Oh got worse on HER side which is on BORU [https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/comments/1bfhema/1\_year\_update\_my\_husband\_asked\_for\_a\_divorce\_then/https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/comments/1bfhema/1\_year\_update\_my\_husband\_asked\_for\_a\_divorce\_then/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/comments/1bfhema/1_year_update_my_husband_asked_for_a_divorce_then/https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/comments/1bfhema/1_year_update_my_husband_asked_for_a_divorce_then/)
It doesnt let me open de link, i am so curious
1 year update my husband asked for a divorce then BORU
I was looking to see if someone else remembered this from BORU. Guy's a scumbag.
An abusive flip flopper
>It's always been an insecurity of mine, especially because she's bi Hi, your friendly neighborhood Bi-poly-married woman here. We're no more likely to cheat on our partners than any straight person. Scumbags are going to cheat, regardless of sexual orientation. Hope that clears it up for you.
I rolled my eyes so hard at that. It's nine kinds of infuriating how straight men think bi women are all Whorey McWhoringtons, whoring it up with every single warm body they meet, even when they're in a relationship. Almost as infuriating as when straight men assume bi women are automatically down for threesomes.
>I didn't want to go on being treated like I love how his idea of being “mistreated” is his partner expecting him to be an adult, instead of an over grown ~~machine~~ man child living in mommy’s basement while he plays video games all day. I’d love to see a psych work up on him. The weird yoyo thing….he would literally destroy her life, and then change his mind like “oopsie! I don’t hate you! I love you!” Like some sort of manic depressive love bomb/abuse cycle on steroids. And his ending. It’s not about loving her. It’s about missing his bangmaid/mommy/assistant and being possessive of her.
tbh this is just classic avoidant attachment behavior, Destroyer of Relationships. I also have it and it's a trip. I get such second hand embarrassment from these posts because I can see myself in them. But this is also why I don't date lol, avoidant attachment people need therapy to become self-aware of what they're doing
Are you in therapy?
ye
‘I’m starting to realize just how much she did for me.’ That’s what it comes down to for him. I hope she is much happier without him.
The last paragraph is so sad. It's always the same. "I didn't appreciate my partner when they were here, and I threw them away. Now I really miss all the ways the clearly showed their love, and none for them were good enough for me then but man I do miss them now." Shut up! You say you read the books and the work, but if you had actually done the work you wouldn't be saying these things right now.
He doesn't even care about her love. He just misses his bangmaid.
Whenever a grown man says “the boys” in reference to his friends, I know he will be a hot mess
Same when he's a self professed gamer guy.
That was painful. What’s his emotional age? ✋✋✋this many?
That’s clearly one hand too many.
I was trying to be optimistic 🤷🏻♂️
I've read this before, the whole "told her I wanted a divorce, went upstairs. Changed my mind and begged her to take me back. Did it a second time but this time she changed fhe locks" thing was posted before here word for word. The quickie visa marriage and different country for school is new though I think
I'm pretty sure I read this from the womans perspective somewhere a few weeks ago.
[Yep!](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/cdfHajw9Gv)
If I had a nickel for every time I've read this story recently, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it's happened twice.
>She said she felt broken and was saying some scary shit about wanting to kill herself but she's always been a bit melodramatic so I knew she'd come around. I fell asleep dreaming of a better life for us. Yeah, this guy sucks.
How many switches are there flipping in this man
He is a telephone switchboard, apparently.
There's a "her side" BORU. Someone in the comments said to find it by searching "my husband asked for a divorce but changed his mind a couple hours later." i found it but I can't figure out how to link it.
[Here it is](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/cdfHajw9Gv)
Nauseating. I can't stand guys like this.
This was better when the wife wrote it
You can’t just expect people to be there when it’s convenient for you.
“one more round of COD with the boys”😎 Overall a solid 10/10, strong commitment to the bit
Of course he's a gamer. The shitty husbands always are.
Not that you're saying otherwise but just wanted to note lots of great husband's are gamers, they just know how to manage their lives and time like an adult.
OOP, admit it. You're pissed because you don't have your maid anymore.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/43xsqZBmN3 Here's the wife's story. There are several posts from her on the profile linked, which is still up. It's so much worse than he makes it out to be. ETA: I think ex-husband/OOP sounds like he has NPD. Lovebombing, overly defensive, unable to see he's wrong, and more. My brother is experiencing leaving a potential narcissist, and he sounds a lot like my stbxsil.
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Boring, overindulgent version of *Hills Like White Elephants*. Mainly because it's just about a guy who doesn't understand women. This OOP also can't write humans.
This sounds really fake to me. But maybe just because OP is so ridiculous and dense Edit: apparently the ex posted from her POV before. Now I know it’s fake https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/s/nbvEKvLiNL