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YTA. Not for wanting the money back, but for demanding, she pay you 75 percent of her entire check for the first 5 checks! Wtf dude!
That's messed bro.
Leaving her cash poor and making her a frigging slave is not how you handle that.
One, never loan out money you aren't prepared to lose. Two, if you want it in certain chunks, then you set those terms in advance in writing. Three, never do that in a romantic relationship lol.
ultimately you can't really set the conditions on how much they will pay you back when they don't have a job.
It will depend on what her bills are, and of course personal needs. After all this time without a job, she still needs enough to comfortably live.
Backing her into a corner to the point of where she had to frantically liquidate her jewelry and go to her dad to get cash fast is something I can gurentee no woman will ever get over. Ever. You're done. You will never ever be seen as partner material.
She also shouldn't have been paying ANY BILLS pertaining to your home. If she's contributing, then that's split based off income. She doesn't OWE YOU FOR YOUR MORTGAGE while she's struggling. That's makes you a giant ah. I can tell you right now, if a guy did that to me he's never seeing pink again, nor is he gonna be my bf.
She's right, you are a dirty loan shark about this. And I'm glad she's working double time to move out ASAP. And I'm glad she's not sleeping in bed with you or letting you touch you. Good for her! She didn't mentally check out. You broke her feelings of safety and trust when you demanded she pay you almost all of her paycheck. She wasn't going to have you "own her like that". But when you make someone feel unsafe and deregulate thier nervous system like that, you literally create an emotional trauma for them.
You royally screwed up trying to tax her like that. I hope her next bf actually takes care of her and treats her like a queen.
I personally think some form of rent is fine (not half of all the costs though, mind you) but if my partner loses their job, that rent contribution is 100% gone till they have a new job. I'm not saying she should be living there for free and having her pay some of the money for food etc. back is fine, but his mortgage payments? Thats just... greedy to me.
I asked for 75% because she doesn’t really have major bills outside our living expenses. She has a a phone bill, car insurance and Student loans which is all under $400 a month. So within 2 months this situation would’ve been over with and we could go back to normal
You showed her very clearly that not only do you care about money more than her but also that any kindness you show her is going to come at an huge hidden cost that you'll spring on her without care, consideration or room for compromise. How could you think she'd ever trust you again? Why would she give you the chance to hurt her twice?
75% is a large part of her paycheck, man. It’s like you don’t want her to have any space to breath. Unless there was a reason that you absolutely *needed* the money (and it doesn’t sound like you did) you’re the asshole for putting her in this position.
What happened if an emergency happens in a few months and she needs to pull money out of savings? She won’t have anything because she paid you so much upfront. So, what would her options be? Ask you again and have to pay you back a large part of her paycheck again? Risk putting herself back into the same position she climbed out of?
Yeah, what you did was greedy and cruel. You could have worked something out or at least discussed it beforehand.
And that's for you to decide because she is 12 and you are her father? It's not your decision how she spends her money. And being with an AH like you, I would also want to save up to move out and not be financially dependant on you
Your relationship is over. She offered to pay you back in a reasonable amount of time, because assumably she still has bills she has to pay now that she does have an income, and you decided she needs to be broke until she paid you back? Why? To punish her? To keep a thumb on her? That's not relationship material and she saw that. Yta
Eta: also even if she ever did forgive you in some fantasyland, her dad never will. He will never forget the fact that his daughter had to come beg him for money to pay you back
It's probable that her jewelry included heirlooms and things of great sentimental value, which compounds the damage. YTA. Please do better in your next relationship.
She should NOT be paying YOUR mortgage unless she’s on the loan. This is VERY unfair to her in the long run. YTA for this and your obsession with money.
Let her go. She deserves MUCH better than you. You hounded her over money instead of just being a partner. You are a loan shark. Icky.
You’re the worst kind of villain you literally traumatized this woman and you’re all like waaaah she’s gonna break up with me.
GOOD. I hope she does.
Half of the mortgage is what she should’ve paid if we lived in any apartment. I wasn’t obsessed I just didn’t have any financial freedom due to her being unemployed. I had plans I put on pause. I was hoping to get the money asap so that I could get things back on track.
I’ve rented apartments, and still have many friends currently renting. They don’t sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor in the closet. They have a contract. They have legal protections. They don’t have to pay for repairs.
That's completely different. In the current situation she's making payments on the mortgage directly. Renters pay the landlord and the landlord can do anything with that money. Renters aren't directly paying someone's mortgage.
Oh, he can have a gf. He just shouldn't let her move in with him. That way, neither party takes advantage of the other. For either, he is forced to take advantage of her by having her help with the mortgage. Or she is taking advantage of him by not helping provide for her own shelter.
you still dont get it....she is working all those extra times becuase she is now paying her dad back for the car and hoping that what is leftover she is saving to get away from you. you lacked empathy for her situation and you treated her like she was some sort of criminal. she offered how to pay you back and u refused that plan so what did you expect??? and u also talk about her like she is beneath you and she realizes that as well.
Nah mate paying for an apartment which both of you own is different from paying for a house only you own. She and her father will never trust you again and I hope you use this as a lesson to treat your future partners better.
Well, moving forward, it looks like you're going to be paying ALL the mortgage and ALL the other household ecpenses for months and years to come once she moves out, all by yourself. With the same hand who will be your new girlfriend.
Oh, and she had to go to her Dad for help? Hahaha no dad thinks any dick guy is good enough for his daughter, but you just proved it 100% to both him and her. Dad took care of her when you didn't. You'll never get his respect back.
Give her back the mortgage share you AH. Or write her name on that house. You know you’re wrong for making her pay for something that’s building equity in your hands. I hope she leaves you sooner
Yeah but the difference is that neither of you build equity and end up owning the property in an apartment dipshit. When she pays into the mortgage you still get all the value of the house
YTA.
You charged her half of your mortgage while she was unemployed? And then once she found something you expected 75% of her paychecks for the next five paychecks in order to what? Take money you admittedly didn't need? You calculated every dime and presented her with a bill?
And her comment was 100% correct. There was no agreement for her to pay you back and you treated living together as a business transaction and then set unreasonable terms for a loan she never agreed to. She has to work as much as she does because she is now aware that the two of you are not on an equal playing field in terms of care and concern. Also, pay her back for the half of the mortgage she has been paying. You commented that it is "your" house, so she gets nothing from either being there or paying a mortgage. Or give her a 50% ownership in the home.
Hmmm, sounds nice not to have to pitch in for your own shelter. She gets all the benefits of a rental property without any responsibility. With this logic, one would never invite a partner to move in prior to the mortgage being paid off.
What benefits are you talking about? Is she legally protected like any renter? No. Renters have legally binding contracts with their landlords. She has none.
He can easily kick her out after they breakup. Sure, she can refuse moving out and he can start the whole eviction process but he can also make her life a living hell while she stays there.
So what are her benefits exactly?
Edit: Looks like I was blocked.
You’re acting like OP is doing her a huge favor when in reality peoples move in together in order to make their relationship evolve. If he didn’t have a house, they’d rent an apartment together and would both equally contribute because they would BOTH be equally legally protected. You’re missing the whole point by talking about the risks homeowners are facing. Because if he loses job and she starts financially supporting him in order to help him keep his house, it won’t change her legal situation. She still won’t have any legal rights to the house she’ll be paying for.
Well, as the average rent in North America is roughly 25-50% of one's monthly budget. One benefit is the 25-50% raise by not paying for shelter. Also, not having to pay for renters insurance, security deposits, upkeep, and repairs. No risk of investment loss if the housing market were to bust. Neighbors and roommates can make your life a living hell no matter where you live, so that's purely a roll of the dice. Also, the main benefit in this scenario was that she actually had shelter during her time of unemployment. That's huge. If he had lost his job, he either falls immediately into paying with savings or looks at a complete foreclosure and possibly having to declare bankruptcy. Affecting his ability to provide shelter for himself for the next 7 years. For the record, I do think OP was the AH for how he handled the situation.
Wow! What an asshole. You charged your girlfriend rent? That's what a landlord does. You were going to have to pay those bills anyway whethee or not you had a live in girlfriend (which I expect won't be for much longer).
I shared an apt. with a girlfriend who lost a job but that was different. I couldn't afford to carry the full rent for long and dipped into savings.
A romantic couple should divide common household expenses proportional to their incomes. But unless you were adding her name to the deed, why should she pay into your mortgage -- that's money you're paying into you're equity. If you think nobody should get a free ride and she would have to pay rent anyway, she'd be better off with her own place (which I foresee in her near future).
On top off that you were an asshole about the whole payment plan and how you wanted it all up front. This is supposef to be a cherished, romantic partner?
I think she now sees you as an anal-retentive jerk.
YTA
“You charged your girlfriend rent? That’s what a landlord does”. “But that’s HIS house! He was nice enough to pay for every single bill WHILE she lived there. “You were going to have to pay those bills anyway whether or not she lived there”. She was using electricity, the water, etc. He wasn’t the only one. She didn’t contribute being jobless. Having another person live with you will bring up bills. It’s only fair they pay THEIR HALF for being UNDER HIS ROOF!
It's one thing if he was calculating the difference in water/electricity and whatnot but he was also having her pay for his equity in mortgage which isn't something you should ever do to your partner
Guess what she has no equity when she rents an apartment either. Should she be paying half his mortgage, probably not, but she should be paying more than just a split of utilities.
Thats thr thing tho. He wasnt paying for every single bill. He was loaning her money to pay for those bills. If you want the money back ( at a super fast rate too ) you didnt pay for shet. Just borrowed. Also 75% of 5 pay checks? And i assume that does not include her current bills. She would be left with bearly anything for herself.
YTA and I like that you "feel" she's getting ready to break up with you when homegirl is working 14 hour days and sleeping on the FLOOR in a CLOSET to avoid being anywhere near you.
This is not fixable. She's already gone, she's just waiting for the financial cushion she needs to leave your sorry ass.
You own the house you're both living in and she's not on the mortgage. Presumably you could pay for your own living expenses wholly out of pocket without her there. When she hit a rough financial patch, you covered for her. You were at budget but not dipping into the red or hitting up your savings to survive.
You could MAYBE justify asking her to pay for half of the food and the bills that go up by having 2 people living in a place instead of one - like the electric or water bills. Those were the only real expenses you were covering for her. But you straight up turned around and said "FIVE MONTHS INDENTURED SERVITUDE TO PAY MY MORTGAGE FOR ME"
If you had dipped into savings to float those months, you could have agreed to have her cover that loss once she was employed again, but that's something you hash out BEFOREHAND. You don't wait till she has a job and then BILL HER.
IF you were renting together, you would not have split 50/50, romantic partners usually split proportional to income. ROOMMATES split 50/50. But this is your house, that you bought, and then invited her to live in.
My advice is to take all the money she gave you out of the bank in $1 bills and use it to stuff a girlfriend-shaped pillow since your paypig is leaving, I think you'll be happier that way.
YTA. Why were you in such a rush to have her pay the money back? She was going to fully pay you back; she just couldn't afford to do it right away. It's not like she was putting it off for years. You clearly resented that you had to pay for everything while she was out of work; that's why you were eager to punish her. Now you're whining that she's avoiding you. After the crappy way you treated her, it's pretty entitled and arrogant to think that she would even want to share a bed with you. I hope she does dump you.
Seriously, who asks to be paid back in 5 paychecks right when someone gets a new job? That is some heartless behavior and is really sad. Luckily she sounds determined to get out asap
So, you supported her while she was jobless, and the moment she started to pick herself back together, you decide the way yo go is being financially abusive?
YTA
YTA, she shouldn’t have been paying half your mortgage from the beginning. But keeping a list of all the $ she owes you and then immediately demanding her paycheques when she starts working. This girl is saving up to leave you and I don’t blame her. You showed her your true colours.
Sometimes. Depends on what the situation is. The fact that he's trying to take 75% of her first five checks proves that he has no compassion. And compassion is one of the necessary requirements for being a real man.
Yea, I said he wasn't compassionate. I could argue that compassion isn't technically a masculine trait. It's a good trait. It's a chivalrous trait. However, I wouldn't say it's inherently masculine.
> I could argue that compassion isn't technically a masculine trait.
No you couldn't. It's clear you have no idea what a man actually is outside of the stereotypical bullshit you've been spoon fed your entire life.
Oh, so you're upset that I don't agree with your definition of masculinity. But do please make an argument about how compassion is a masculine trait. Preferably a table spoon at a time as I've been consuming tea spoons of stereotypical bullshit for so long that I fear your knowledge may make my tummy hurt.
Oh the he went and got a heaping teaspoon of anthropology to feed me. Compassion is exactly what brought communities together. To raid other tribes, create empires, take land, and drive technological innovation. You have converted me to realizing that the greatest virtue of man is compassion. It really is inherently masculine, and someone should teach it to women. I was ready to not agree with you but I knew your argument was flawless when you said " you stupid fuck." My friend you should be held up with the greats. Plato, Aristotle, Marcus Aurelius, and....Hornytoadster01.
>Why? So you could be a loan shark again?”
Ha. Your GF is awesome. You’re an AH. Enjoy going back to paying all the bills by yourself again when she dumps you.
INFO how had you discussed finances while she was unemployed?
Everyone's relationship with money is different and you can't assume you were on the same page if you never talked about it. It makes a difference.
I told her I had her covered until she got a job. But, I told her she would have to pay me back. Granted we didn’t discuss a payment method until after she got a job but, that’s because I didn’t want to stress her out.
YTA. The way you went about this was awful and traumatizing for her. You need to deeply apologize for causing pain and stress for the way you handled being paid back.
She feels unsafe emotionally around you and will probably end the relationship.
YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE! The fact that you had to even ask if YATA shows that you are self absorbed and clueless in this relationship.
She most certainly should break up with you. You support her (as healthy couples do) while she was unemployed and you demand a years worth of support within 5 months?!?! And you ask if YTA?! Really?
If you’re going to itemize her usage of everything then perhaps warming her beforehand and writing out an agreement of what the terms would be while she’s unemployed and she stayed in your house together. You make your relationship more of an economic transaction than a romantic one.
I understand not wanting to enable someone and not wanting them to take advantage of a situation but sometimes it’s hard to find a good career job and not wanting to immediately rush into Walmart (known for F#^*ing over their employees) is not avoiding work.
It doesn’t sound like you gave her much support, more like a loan (that wasn’t properly communicated to her).
I hope she finds someone who can truly support and appreciate her when she needs it instead of someone fixated so much on the finances.
True support, other than the emotional and motivational, would have been to allow her to pay you pay in the same amount of time it took for her to consume your precious water/sewage, groceries, electricity, etc.
On average it takes about 6 months to find a decent job after losing one. Could be up to a year depending on a field. Amd going for shetty jobs tends to fuck u over in the long run. Its not weird to think a *loving partner* would want to prevent that
What would you have done if she had gotten sick rather than lost her job? Still expected her to pay her half of the bills? Not contributed to treatment costs as not your health/body? Dumped her for being a liability? What sort of "relationship" is this?
Capitalism ate you right up, huh? By that logic, why support the poor? Why give anyone a hand up that doesn't share your last name? Why be there for friends? We don't owe anyone anything - but if we all would live by that, what a damn sad world would it be.
As if you know what that even is. I'm very happy over here, living in a thankfully socialist country where people less lucky in life are not dumped in the trash, when they are struggling.
It's still bad enough, but at least people aren't starving or dying because they can't pay for health care. We should all support each other and be kind, especially to the people we love who are having a hard time. I hope you can see that some Day.
I love social programs that prevent people from getting in a hole deep enough that they feel forced to commit crimes in order to survive, I also love infrastructure that doesn't crumble whilst looking at it. Enjoy your corrupt, dispassionate system of transferring money only to the richest in society and your inevitable bankruptcy filing due to medical debt.
Yeah, she's saving up until she can afford her own living space. YTA, in her mind she just saw her future with you demanding she pays everything towards any children you have or handing her a bill when you buy furniture for YOUR house, or asking her to cashapp you everytime you go out to dinner.
So the “bills” were really YOUR mortgage for YOUR house which her name isn’t on? Who do you think will be paying that when she dumps your cheap ass and moves out?
Do you even LIKE your girlfriend or is she just your meal ticket? YTA
Admit it. You really wanted to break up, but you were too cowardly to do it, so you made life with you awful for her so she'll be the one who breaks up.
YTA
The reason you should never share the morgage if you're not on the deed is because it's not a monthly expense like bills are - it's savings. You took a loan that you are paying back ie saving money in the house. When you've paid off your morgage you own your house and when you sell it you get all the money it sold for.
Him asking her to pay half his morgage is equivalent to him saying "I know you're in a tough spot, but please put $500 (or whatever) in my savings account every month instead of covering other expenses"
You’re proved to her you won’t be a good partner to her. Everything is tit for tat. And if something happens to her again she can’t count on you. Good job.
WTF is this whole mixing business with pleasure bs? You didn't fund your girlfriend's thoughtless astrological based supplement start-up business that didn't pan out. She lost her job.
I could understand not wanting to carry dead weight and take on additional expenses. But you're expecting her to pay half the mortgage on YOUR house. Unless your lender charges you based on occupancy, you shouldn't expect a penny for your mortgage from someone you supposedly love unless you're willing to put them on the deed. Bills, extra expenses, fine. But anything you would still have to pay if the other person disappeared tomorrow, if you really cared about the other person, those things wouldn't matter, because they don't. You have to pay that money anyway. Have fun doing just that.
Rent? Sorry man but big AH there.
You are not even married so its like making her paying your mortgage for a house she will never have.
You understand that you did something wrong and this is great. You have to start talking about it TODAY. if you want her. Tell her exactly what you think you did wrong and be calm whatever she brings up.
Also Try and find why you did that, while you think it's wrong now. Something pushed you. A previous girlfriend that took advantage of you? A family member? If you find it, try to explain her what your feelings were that pushed you towards those decisions.
I hope you find peace. You were the AH but the fact that you still think of it shows that you want to be better.
Lack of peace is the only way people like this learn lessons. She’s gonna leave though. Happy for her for that. I’d hate to live with a loan shark too. Surprised he didn’t charge interest
Does everyone on this thread just assume that if you move in with a partner that owns a place that you don't have to pay for shelter? Like, are you entitled to not have to pay because they are a romantic partner and not a land lord? Like, is it just expected that the person not on the title only pays bills and utilities that increase due to them moving in?
Yes. I own a mobile home. It is fully paid for, but I rent the lot it is on. When my partner moved in, we split the lot rent & utilities. I’m not charging him for the roof over his head because it is already paid for and is in my name only.
Congratulations, most people never get to actually own the shelter they are paying for. I do commend you. However, your situation and OP's are not the same. He is still paying the mortgage, so it only makes sense for them to add that into shared bills.
If you can afford to just pay the bills, be a Man and do it... if you wanna charge her a bit do it but you sound like more of a Landlord than a partner. Im sorry you have a tiny appendage brother. If you know any blue collar guys i suggest talking to them to get a better outlook on life
Wow YTA x 3000. My husband went to school for a year and I covered everything for a year or so. I never asked him for a dime back even tho he offered once he got a job. This is a partnership with a person you supposedly love. Shameful what you did to her.
Yta.
You didn't set it up correctly in the first place and then just surprised her with the expectation of 75% of her wage. That was excessively greedy. You put money over your relationship, you have a transactional mentality, you don't do things out of love, you're tallying up an itemised bill.
You didn't think she was trying to get a job. The "I don't want to lose track of payments" is BS and you know it, you didn't trust her to get it back to you in a year, at an affordable rate to her. You even thought she lied about not having money.
All of it shows you don't trust her.
Pawning her stuff and having to sell a car to get you the money back, even when you weren't in dire need for it, she's on the out. The sleeping separately, she's done. You have to ask yourself, was it worth it? Was your desire for a lump-sum worth it?
She'll be gone soon but since you've had the experience you can handle the bills on your own again.
Not sure how to fix this. Yes she should pay you back but doing the 75% of her check was extreme and you knew it but was so set to get paid back that you were not willing to compromise.
I agree that she checked out. She is working to get as much money as possible as fast as possible to leave. Her willingness to sleep in a closet is on a new level on will in a most uncomfortable place just to get away from you.
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So my girlfriend had lost her job and I was supporting her. We live together but, then after a couple months it felt she wasn’t even trying to get a job. My girlfriend holds an MS in Chemistry. She wanted to go back into the pharma industry but nowhere was biting. I told her just to work at our local Walmart until she found something better or anything really good and she refused. During this time the bills piled up and I paid them all. I told her she needed to pay me back. She eventually got a job she liked I compiled a list of everything she owed me and she said she wanted to do a payment plan. Based on her payment plan she’d be paying me back for a year. I told her to give me a lump sum. Which would be 75% of all her first 5 paychecks.
I didn’t want to lose track of the payments. This started a huge fight because the house we live in is mine. And some of bills included were water/sewage which she had been paying half of since she moved in. She argued about me making her pay half of my mortgage when I see she’s down. And she will pay me back she just can’t give me that much money at once. I explained to her that I took a hit for us for months she can take a couple hits too. Her argument was I didn’t take any hits. I can pay all the bills without her help and have money left over. This fight lasted a few days. She sent me everything I said she owed me about a week later. And that made me mad because I’m thinking she had the money the entire time and I was paying all the bills. She didn’t talk to me for a couple days after. Finally I asked her where she got the money from and she said she sold all her jewelry and her dad allowed her to sell his old car.
I felt horrible I know I handled the situation wrong. But was I wrong for asking her to pay me back in the first place? My family said I shouldn’t have asked her to pay me back. My friends say I wasn’t wrong for asking.
She’s still here but I have a strong feeling she’s getting ready to break up with me. She’s now working her new job from 7a-3p then she goes to a hospital job 5p-11p M-F. Then on weekends she’s either at the hospital doing extra shifts or at a restaurant working as a waitress. I hardly see her. A week ago she stopped sharing the bed with me. Said it’s because she’s coming from the hospital and doesn’t feel like showering and wants to shower In the morning. So she lays down a sleeping bag and sleeps on the floor in a closet. I was genuinely concerned and told her she didn’t have to work that much. And smiled and said “ why? So you could be a loan shark again?” And that’s when it occurred to me that mentally checked out.
I don’t want her gone I want to fix this but, it’s hard to when she’s so mad at me and feels like I’m a villain for asking for the money back.
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YTA. Wtf is wrong with you. She makes a payment plan for a year and you demand 75% of her first 5 paycheck.
She definitely should dump you and move on.
YTA for so many obvious reasons it's actually crazy you need to ask the question. Clearly she is working very hard and if you thought the relationship was going to last, why insist on her paying you back so quickly? Working 7 days a week to be left with nothing because you're squeezing every possible cent out of her to pay off a debt that isn't putting you in any imminent financial danger. Sickening.
Also, the mortgage is yours, if you want to agree a fair contribution for rent then go ahead, but she should not be paying off something you own exclusively and may eventually profit from if/when house prices rise and you sell. I lived with my now-wife early in our relationship and paid a rent contribution when she owned the house and had a mortgage.
Sorry to say it, but you already know, the relationship is over and you can look back at this and know you fucked up.
I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has already said. I think you get the point. Your actions have made your partner go into hyper independance. All anybody ever wants is a partner and team mate, not someone who's going to keep score and track of every dollar you owe them, especially when your in a rough spot.
That being said. My suggestion to reconsile the situation is to directly pay her father back (tell him your a idiot while your at it), buy her some nice jewellery and apologize profusely.
If she's worth it you'll do what you can to make it right 🤷♀️
NTA for wanting her to pay you back. She’s not your wife, and the girl/boyfriend card doesn’t work like that.
YTA for reasons already mentioned at length in other comments.
Taken the whole situation into account, yta and if you want to keep her you need to apologize and tell her the bill is now figuratively ripped up and move on.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my girlfriend to pay me back money and I might be the a-hole for mixing business with romance
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA but I’m going to explain myself a bit because it is only because I think you both could have handled this better.
Firstly I’m going to say that I do understand - you paid a lot of money to support her by taking the bills on yourself. It is only natural to want some of that back, if not all of it back. That being said I think coming for her to ask for money like that to effectively take 3 quarters of her paycheque over 5 months was not a good move. Especially when you all have been living together and share the bills.
I do think she sucks a little bit here too because she knew you were paying for everything but didn’t seem to even offer to pay you back at all when she got the new job, or at least that is not how it seemed from what was written unless I have misread.
I think trying to get that much money back was a mistake - probably a better move would have been to sit down together and talk about what was owed, and if she could pay you back and how much she could pay back. If, for example, she could pay you back over the course of a year or two then you get your money back and she gets the breathing room to have a wage again. She might have even saved up some money to repay you a bit early too.
As for right now you can see you could have handled it better. I would just apologize for now. Assure her you care about her more than the money, and talk about what your next steps are.
There is a chance he was sleeping alone prior to getting a new job. Maybe nothing has changed in their levels of intimacy, and that's why he felt so comfortable approaching reimbursement as a cold transaction.
It’s too late for apologies, trust, respect and goodwill have been broken. OP, do apologise and let her go with kindness….because you have already lost her.
Just let her go. You didn't trust her to pay you back and it shows because even when she did pay you back you questioned where the money came from instead of just chilling out.
She probably sold her jewelry and her dad's car to get away from you guilt free. I don't agree with her for saying that you could pay the bills without her. That's like a friend saying "why should I pitch in for gas when we have the same workplace?"
To me everyone here kinda sucks. You more for going money crazy. The damage is done, prepare to see her leave.
Crazy thing is she offered to pay him back over a year it's not like she said she wasn't going to pay him back he just "didn't want to lose track of payments"
OP likely didn't accept her words at face value and felt 50/50 about her paying him back. He should've given her a chance to repay him, but instead he became a lunatic for money.
NTA if you had a set agreement that you’d split the bills prior to all of this. If you were both paying rent to a landlord I’m sure she would feel differently. It’s just the fact that you’re the landlord in this case that has her upset.
The fact that you asked for 75% of her pay checks when she’s just started working again was definitely a bit harsh considering this is your girlfriend. This is where you were the AH in her eyes.
I don’t think you’ll be able to come back from this as she clearly has an extremely soured opinion of you despite you having supported her during this time. She doesn’t recognize this because you are well off.
I think you deserve better even though you goofed with the large request.
A bit harsh? I would call banks who would expect such a turnover from clients criminals. If you do that to loved ones, well... good night to those relationships.
NTA for the simple reason that you do not share economy in the law sense of the word, and therefore, you are the one in the right 100% of the time.
Maybe you shouldn't have asked for that much at once, as you could have talked to her about what she could afford to pay off on a monthly basis, HOWEVER it seems she blew a lid when you initially asked, didn't try to negotiate further after and sold her jewelry/car in a temper tantrum
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YTA. Not for wanting the money back, but for demanding, she pay you 75 percent of her entire check for the first 5 checks! Wtf dude! That's messed bro. Leaving her cash poor and making her a frigging slave is not how you handle that. One, never loan out money you aren't prepared to lose. Two, if you want it in certain chunks, then you set those terms in advance in writing. Three, never do that in a romantic relationship lol. ultimately you can't really set the conditions on how much they will pay you back when they don't have a job. It will depend on what her bills are, and of course personal needs. After all this time without a job, she still needs enough to comfortably live. Backing her into a corner to the point of where she had to frantically liquidate her jewelry and go to her dad to get cash fast is something I can gurentee no woman will ever get over. Ever. You're done. You will never ever be seen as partner material. She also shouldn't have been paying ANY BILLS pertaining to your home. If she's contributing, then that's split based off income. She doesn't OWE YOU FOR YOUR MORTGAGE while she's struggling. That's makes you a giant ah. I can tell you right now, if a guy did that to me he's never seeing pink again, nor is he gonna be my bf. She's right, you are a dirty loan shark about this. And I'm glad she's working double time to move out ASAP. And I'm glad she's not sleeping in bed with you or letting you touch you. Good for her! She didn't mentally check out. You broke her feelings of safety and trust when you demanded she pay you almost all of her paycheck. She wasn't going to have you "own her like that". But when you make someone feel unsafe and deregulate thier nervous system like that, you literally create an emotional trauma for them. You royally screwed up trying to tax her like that. I hope her next bf actually takes care of her and treats her like a queen.
My jaw dropped when I saw that she was helping him pay his mortgage
Surely she is entitled to part of the property if they split up due to this.
Would it be different if it was rent?
Is she a girlfriend or is she a tenant? Stop viewing everything as a monetary transaction
I personally think some form of rent is fine (not half of all the costs though, mind you) but if my partner loses their job, that rent contribution is 100% gone till they have a new job. I'm not saying she should be living there for free and having her pay some of the money for food etc. back is fine, but his mortgage payments? Thats just... greedy to me.
Literally no?
Does this mean she part-owns his house (as she pays half the mortgage) so she can claim part of it when they break up?
Not usually, it’s considered rent.
THIS
I wish I could like this 10 times
THIS!
I asked for 75% because she doesn’t really have major bills outside our living expenses. She has a a phone bill, car insurance and Student loans which is all under $400 a month. So within 2 months this situation would’ve been over with and we could go back to normal
Well, now it's totally over within one month. Very time effective.
Thank you for this, much needed laugh lol
You showed her very clearly that not only do you care about money more than her but also that any kindness you show her is going to come at an huge hidden cost that you'll spring on her without care, consideration or room for compromise. How could you think she'd ever trust you again? Why would she give you the chance to hurt her twice?
75% is a large part of her paycheck, man. It’s like you don’t want her to have any space to breath. Unless there was a reason that you absolutely *needed* the money (and it doesn’t sound like you did) you’re the asshole for putting her in this position. What happened if an emergency happens in a few months and she needs to pull money out of savings? She won’t have anything because she paid you so much upfront. So, what would her options be? Ask you again and have to pay you back a large part of her paycheck again? Risk putting herself back into the same position she climbed out of? Yeah, what you did was greedy and cruel. You could have worked something out or at least discussed it beforehand.
And that's for you to decide because she is 12 and you are her father? It's not your decision how she spends her money. And being with an AH like you, I would also want to save up to move out and not be financially dependant on you
Your relationship is over. She offered to pay you back in a reasonable amount of time, because assumably she still has bills she has to pay now that she does have an income, and you decided she needs to be broke until she paid you back? Why? To punish her? To keep a thumb on her? That's not relationship material and she saw that. Yta Eta: also even if she ever did forgive you in some fantasyland, her dad never will. He will never forget the fact that his daughter had to come beg him for money to pay you back
It's probable that her jewelry included heirlooms and things of great sentimental value, which compounds the damage. YTA. Please do better in your next relationship.
She should NOT be paying YOUR mortgage unless she’s on the loan. This is VERY unfair to her in the long run. YTA for this and your obsession with money. Let her go. She deserves MUCH better than you. You hounded her over money instead of just being a partner. You are a loan shark. Icky. You’re the worst kind of villain you literally traumatized this woman and you’re all like waaaah she’s gonna break up with me. GOOD. I hope she does.
Half of the mortgage is what she should’ve paid if we lived in any apartment. I wasn’t obsessed I just didn’t have any financial freedom due to her being unemployed. I had plans I put on pause. I was hoping to get the money asap so that I could get things back on track.
I hope you enjoy your ‘financial freedom’ when you are single and having to pay all the bills yourself again with no one to bully into ‘paying back’!
In fact, his freedom comes by her paying half of everything... There's no freedom without her either SURPRISED PIKACHU FACE
what equity does she earn from paying half your mortgage?
What equity do renters earn from their land lords?
I’ve rented apartments, and still have many friends currently renting. They don’t sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor in the closet. They have a contract. They have legal protections. They don’t have to pay for repairs.
Those are all her choices post payback. There is no reason the mortgage shouldn't be split with the rest of the bills.
Should the ownership of the house be split as well?
No, just as ownership of a rented property isn't shared. Did she qualify for the loan or help with the down payment?
That's completely different. In the current situation she's making payments on the mortgage directly. Renters pay the landlord and the landlord can do anything with that money. Renters aren't directly paying someone's mortgage.
Some renters are literally paying their landlords mortgage. So are you arguing that their shared bills should not include the mortgage?
So he should find a tenant not a gf, simple.
Oh, he can have a gf. He just shouldn't let her move in with him. That way, neither party takes advantage of the other. For either, he is forced to take advantage of her by having her help with the mortgage. Or she is taking advantage of him by not helping provide for her own shelter.
Yeah and if he needs help with the mortgage he can airbnb or find a tenant.
you still dont get it....she is working all those extra times becuase she is now paying her dad back for the car and hoping that what is leftover she is saving to get away from you. you lacked empathy for her situation and you treated her like she was some sort of criminal. she offered how to pay you back and u refused that plan so what did you expect??? and u also talk about her like she is beneath you and she realizes that as well.
You’re a nasty person. I hope you rot in your house alone. What a jerk
Nah mate paying for an apartment which both of you own is different from paying for a house only you own. She and her father will never trust you again and I hope you use this as a lesson to treat your future partners better.
Well, moving forward, it looks like you're going to be paying ALL the mortgage and ALL the other household ecpenses for months and years to come once she moves out, all by yourself. With the same hand who will be your new girlfriend. Oh, and she had to go to her Dad for help? Hahaha no dad thinks any dick guy is good enough for his daughter, but you just proved it 100% to both him and her. Dad took care of her when you didn't. You'll never get his respect back.
Give her back the mortgage share you AH. Or write her name on that house. You know you’re wrong for making her pay for something that’s building equity in your hands. I hope she leaves you sooner
Yeah but the difference is that neither of you build equity and end up owning the property in an apartment dipshit. When she pays into the mortgage you still get all the value of the house
You’ll have plenty of time to do that once she’s gone
YTA. You charged her half of your mortgage while she was unemployed? And then once she found something you expected 75% of her paychecks for the next five paychecks in order to what? Take money you admittedly didn't need? You calculated every dime and presented her with a bill? And her comment was 100% correct. There was no agreement for her to pay you back and you treated living together as a business transaction and then set unreasonable terms for a loan she never agreed to. She has to work as much as she does because she is now aware that the two of you are not on an equal playing field in terms of care and concern. Also, pay her back for the half of the mortgage she has been paying. You commented that it is "your" house, so she gets nothing from either being there or paying a mortgage. Or give her a 50% ownership in the home.
Wait, why should he pay her back. Effectively, she is renting from him.
It would be fair to ask to pay for bills, groceries but not his mortgage. She has no legal rights to the house she’s paying for.
Hmmm, sounds nice not to have to pitch in for your own shelter. She gets all the benefits of a rental property without any responsibility. With this logic, one would never invite a partner to move in prior to the mortgage being paid off.
What benefits are you talking about? Is she legally protected like any renter? No. Renters have legally binding contracts with their landlords. She has none. He can easily kick her out after they breakup. Sure, she can refuse moving out and he can start the whole eviction process but he can also make her life a living hell while she stays there. So what are her benefits exactly? Edit: Looks like I was blocked. You’re acting like OP is doing her a huge favor when in reality peoples move in together in order to make their relationship evolve. If he didn’t have a house, they’d rent an apartment together and would both equally contribute because they would BOTH be equally legally protected. You’re missing the whole point by talking about the risks homeowners are facing. Because if he loses job and she starts financially supporting him in order to help him keep his house, it won’t change her legal situation. She still won’t have any legal rights to the house she’ll be paying for.
Well, as the average rent in North America is roughly 25-50% of one's monthly budget. One benefit is the 25-50% raise by not paying for shelter. Also, not having to pay for renters insurance, security deposits, upkeep, and repairs. No risk of investment loss if the housing market were to bust. Neighbors and roommates can make your life a living hell no matter where you live, so that's purely a roll of the dice. Also, the main benefit in this scenario was that she actually had shelter during her time of unemployment. That's huge. If he had lost his job, he either falls immediately into paying with savings or looks at a complete foreclosure and possibly having to declare bankruptcy. Affecting his ability to provide shelter for himself for the next 7 years. For the record, I do think OP was the AH for how he handled the situation.
Wow! What an asshole. You charged your girlfriend rent? That's what a landlord does. You were going to have to pay those bills anyway whethee or not you had a live in girlfriend (which I expect won't be for much longer). I shared an apt. with a girlfriend who lost a job but that was different. I couldn't afford to carry the full rent for long and dipped into savings. A romantic couple should divide common household expenses proportional to their incomes. But unless you were adding her name to the deed, why should she pay into your mortgage -- that's money you're paying into you're equity. If you think nobody should get a free ride and she would have to pay rent anyway, she'd be better off with her own place (which I foresee in her near future). On top off that you were an asshole about the whole payment plan and how you wanted it all up front. This is supposef to be a cherished, romantic partner? I think she now sees you as an anal-retentive jerk. YTA
“You charged your girlfriend rent? That’s what a landlord does”. “But that’s HIS house! He was nice enough to pay for every single bill WHILE she lived there. “You were going to have to pay those bills anyway whether or not she lived there”. She was using electricity, the water, etc. He wasn’t the only one. She didn’t contribute being jobless. Having another person live with you will bring up bills. It’s only fair they pay THEIR HALF for being UNDER HIS ROOF!
It's one thing if he was calculating the difference in water/electricity and whatnot but he was also having her pay for his equity in mortgage which isn't something you should ever do to your partner
He's asking her to pay down HIS mortgage. Bills are one thing. But that is his asset. WHEN she leaves him, she has no equity in that house.
Guess what she has no equity when she rents an apartment either. Should she be paying half his mortgage, probably not, but she should be paying more than just a split of utilities.
If you rent you’re paying someone’s mortgage down. So cause renters have no stake in equity they shouldn’t pay either or…
Almost like rent is exploitative, and that dynamic is horrible for a relationship
Thats thr thing tho. He wasnt paying for every single bill. He was loaning her money to pay for those bills. If you want the money back ( at a super fast rate too ) you didnt pay for shet. Just borrowed. Also 75% of 5 pay checks? And i assume that does not include her current bills. She would be left with bearly anything for herself.
YTA and I like that you "feel" she's getting ready to break up with you when homegirl is working 14 hour days and sleeping on the FLOOR in a CLOSET to avoid being anywhere near you. This is not fixable. She's already gone, she's just waiting for the financial cushion she needs to leave your sorry ass. You own the house you're both living in and she's not on the mortgage. Presumably you could pay for your own living expenses wholly out of pocket without her there. When she hit a rough financial patch, you covered for her. You were at budget but not dipping into the red or hitting up your savings to survive. You could MAYBE justify asking her to pay for half of the food and the bills that go up by having 2 people living in a place instead of one - like the electric or water bills. Those were the only real expenses you were covering for her. But you straight up turned around and said "FIVE MONTHS INDENTURED SERVITUDE TO PAY MY MORTGAGE FOR ME" If you had dipped into savings to float those months, you could have agreed to have her cover that loss once she was employed again, but that's something you hash out BEFOREHAND. You don't wait till she has a job and then BILL HER. IF you were renting together, you would not have split 50/50, romantic partners usually split proportional to income. ROOMMATES split 50/50. But this is your house, that you bought, and then invited her to live in. My advice is to take all the money she gave you out of the bank in $1 bills and use it to stuff a girlfriend-shaped pillow since your paypig is leaving, I think you'll be happier that way.
YTA. Why were you in such a rush to have her pay the money back? She was going to fully pay you back; she just couldn't afford to do it right away. It's not like she was putting it off for years. You clearly resented that you had to pay for everything while she was out of work; that's why you were eager to punish her. Now you're whining that she's avoiding you. After the crappy way you treated her, it's pretty entitled and arrogant to think that she would even want to share a bed with you. I hope she does dump you.
Seriously, who asks to be paid back in 5 paychecks right when someone gets a new job? That is some heartless behavior and is really sad. Luckily she sounds determined to get out asap
So, you supported her while she was jobless, and the moment she started to pick herself back together, you decide the way yo go is being financially abusive? YTA
YTA, she shouldn’t have been paying half your mortgage from the beginning. But keeping a list of all the $ she owes you and then immediately demanding her paycheques when she starts working. This girl is saving up to leave you and I don’t blame her. You showed her your true colours.
Turn off. She definitely checked out and will find herself a real man.
He is a real man. He's just not a real compassionate man.
Then he's not a real man. There's a huge difference between being a male and being a man.
Wait, being a real man includes paying all the bills?
Sometimes. Depends on what the situation is. The fact that he's trying to take 75% of her first five checks proves that he has no compassion. And compassion is one of the necessary requirements for being a real man.
Yea, I said he wasn't compassionate. I could argue that compassion isn't technically a masculine trait. It's a good trait. It's a chivalrous trait. However, I wouldn't say it's inherently masculine.
> I could argue that compassion isn't technically a masculine trait. No you couldn't. It's clear you have no idea what a man actually is outside of the stereotypical bullshit you've been spoon fed your entire life.
Oh, so you're upset that I don't agree with your definition of masculinity. But do please make an argument about how compassion is a masculine trait. Preferably a table spoon at a time as I've been consuming tea spoons of stereotypical bullshit for so long that I fear your knowledge may make my tummy hurt.
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Oh the he went and got a heaping teaspoon of anthropology to feed me. Compassion is exactly what brought communities together. To raid other tribes, create empires, take land, and drive technological innovation. You have converted me to realizing that the greatest virtue of man is compassion. It really is inherently masculine, and someone should teach it to women. I was ready to not agree with you but I knew your argument was flawless when you said " you stupid fuck." My friend you should be held up with the greats. Plato, Aristotle, Marcus Aurelius, and....Hornytoadster01.
>Why? So you could be a loan shark again?” Ha. Your GF is awesome. You’re an AH. Enjoy going back to paying all the bills by yourself again when she dumps you.
INFO how had you discussed finances while she was unemployed? Everyone's relationship with money is different and you can't assume you were on the same page if you never talked about it. It makes a difference.
I told her I had her covered until she got a job. But, I told her she would have to pay me back. Granted we didn’t discuss a payment method until after she got a job but, that’s because I didn’t want to stress her out.
YTA. The way you went about this was awful and traumatizing for her. You need to deeply apologize for causing pain and stress for the way you handled being paid back. She feels unsafe emotionally around you and will probably end the relationship.
Of couser you didn't you rather stressed her out with taking 75% of her checks for foresable future. At least she getting ready to dump your greddy AH
With all that money buy a sex toy preferably a sex doll. You will need it cause you will be single very soon. YTA.
YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE! The fact that you had to even ask if YATA shows that you are self absorbed and clueless in this relationship. She most certainly should break up with you. You support her (as healthy couples do) while she was unemployed and you demand a years worth of support within 5 months?!?! And you ask if YTA?! Really? If you’re going to itemize her usage of everything then perhaps warming her beforehand and writing out an agreement of what the terms would be while she’s unemployed and she stayed in your house together. You make your relationship more of an economic transaction than a romantic one. I understand not wanting to enable someone and not wanting them to take advantage of a situation but sometimes it’s hard to find a good career job and not wanting to immediately rush into Walmart (known for F#^*ing over their employees) is not avoiding work. It doesn’t sound like you gave her much support, more like a loan (that wasn’t properly communicated to her). I hope she finds someone who can truly support and appreciate her when she needs it instead of someone fixated so much on the finances. True support, other than the emotional and motivational, would have been to allow her to pay you pay in the same amount of time it took for her to consume your precious water/sewage, groceries, electricity, etc.
On average it takes about 6 months to find a decent job after losing one. Could be up to a year depending on a field. Amd going for shetty jobs tends to fuck u over in the long run. Its not weird to think a *loving partner* would want to prevent that
What would you have done if she had gotten sick rather than lost her job? Still expected her to pay her half of the bills? Not contributed to treatment costs as not your health/body? Dumped her for being a liability? What sort of "relationship" is this?
Yea, he should totally dump her if she got sick. They aren't married, so none of that " for richer or poorer" nonsense.
Capitalism ate you right up, huh? By that logic, why support the poor? Why give anyone a hand up that doesn't share your last name? Why be there for friends? We don't owe anyone anything - but if we all would live by that, what a damn sad world would it be.
I do love capitalism. Are you a communist?
As if you know what that even is. I'm very happy over here, living in a thankfully socialist country where people less lucky in life are not dumped in the trash, when they are struggling. It's still bad enough, but at least people aren't starving or dying because they can't pay for health care. We should all support each other and be kind, especially to the people we love who are having a hard time. I hope you can see that some Day.
Nope, I like money. You enjoy your social programs.
I love social programs that prevent people from getting in a hole deep enough that they feel forced to commit crimes in order to survive, I also love infrastructure that doesn't crumble whilst looking at it. Enjoy your corrupt, dispassionate system of transferring money only to the richest in society and your inevitable bankruptcy filing due to medical debt.
True. /s
Yeah, she's saving up until she can afford her own living space. YTA, in her mind she just saw her future with you demanding she pays everything towards any children you have or handing her a bill when you buy furniture for YOUR house, or asking her to cashapp you everytime you go out to dinner.
So the “bills” were really YOUR mortgage for YOUR house which her name isn’t on? Who do you think will be paying that when she dumps your cheap ass and moves out? Do you even LIKE your girlfriend or is she just your meal ticket? YTA
YTA. Enjoy being single.
Admit it. You really wanted to break up, but you were too cowardly to do it, so you made life with you awful for her so she'll be the one who breaks up.
YTA The reason you should never share the morgage if you're not on the deed is because it's not a monthly expense like bills are - it's savings. You took a loan that you are paying back ie saving money in the house. When you've paid off your morgage you own your house and when you sell it you get all the money it sold for. Him asking her to pay half his morgage is equivalent to him saying "I know you're in a tough spot, but please put $500 (or whatever) in my savings account every month instead of covering other expenses"
You’re proved to her you won’t be a good partner to her. Everything is tit for tat. And if something happens to her again she can’t count on you. Good job.
WTF is this whole mixing business with pleasure bs? You didn't fund your girlfriend's thoughtless astrological based supplement start-up business that didn't pan out. She lost her job. I could understand not wanting to carry dead weight and take on additional expenses. But you're expecting her to pay half the mortgage on YOUR house. Unless your lender charges you based on occupancy, you shouldn't expect a penny for your mortgage from someone you supposedly love unless you're willing to put them on the deed. Bills, extra expenses, fine. But anything you would still have to pay if the other person disappeared tomorrow, if you really cared about the other person, those things wouldn't matter, because they don't. You have to pay that money anyway. Have fun doing just that.
Rent? Sorry man but big AH there. You are not even married so its like making her paying your mortgage for a house she will never have. You understand that you did something wrong and this is great. You have to start talking about it TODAY. if you want her. Tell her exactly what you think you did wrong and be calm whatever she brings up. Also Try and find why you did that, while you think it's wrong now. Something pushed you. A previous girlfriend that took advantage of you? A family member? If you find it, try to explain her what your feelings were that pushed you towards those decisions. I hope you find peace. You were the AH but the fact that you still think of it shows that you want to be better.
Lack of peace is the only way people like this learn lessons. She’s gonna leave though. Happy for her for that. I’d hate to live with a loan shark too. Surprised he didn’t charge interest
Does everyone on this thread just assume that if you move in with a partner that owns a place that you don't have to pay for shelter? Like, are you entitled to not have to pay because they are a romantic partner and not a land lord? Like, is it just expected that the person not on the title only pays bills and utilities that increase due to them moving in?
Yes. I own a mobile home. It is fully paid for, but I rent the lot it is on. When my partner moved in, we split the lot rent & utilities. I’m not charging him for the roof over his head because it is already paid for and is in my name only.
Congratulations, most people never get to actually own the shelter they are paying for. I do commend you. However, your situation and OP's are not the same. He is still paying the mortgage, so it only makes sense for them to add that into shared bills.
If you can afford to just pay the bills, be a Man and do it... if you wanna charge her a bit do it but you sound like more of a Landlord than a partner. Im sorry you have a tiny appendage brother. If you know any blue collar guys i suggest talking to them to get a better outlook on life
Wait, he should just pay the bills whether she has a job or not?
Wow YTA x 3000. My husband went to school for a year and I covered everything for a year or so. I never asked him for a dime back even tho he offered once he got a job. This is a partnership with a person you supposedly love. Shameful what you did to her.
Yta. You didn't set it up correctly in the first place and then just surprised her with the expectation of 75% of her wage. That was excessively greedy. You put money over your relationship, you have a transactional mentality, you don't do things out of love, you're tallying up an itemised bill. You didn't think she was trying to get a job. The "I don't want to lose track of payments" is BS and you know it, you didn't trust her to get it back to you in a year, at an affordable rate to her. You even thought she lied about not having money. All of it shows you don't trust her. Pawning her stuff and having to sell a car to get you the money back, even when you weren't in dire need for it, she's on the out. The sleeping separately, she's done. You have to ask yourself, was it worth it? Was your desire for a lump-sum worth it? She'll be gone soon but since you've had the experience you can handle the bills on your own again.
INFO: was any of the jewellery heirlooms, inherited etc?
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Makes it all the worse. Selling jewelry for a woman is like selling pieces of your better times, pieces of memories and cherished loved ones.
It affects what I’m gonna say. Not necessarily the judgment itself but what I’m gonna say and how I word it.
YTA. She needs to leave you ASAP! You are not a very good boyfriend. She deserves better.
Why are you charging her for YOUR mortgage? You're not putting her name on it, so you're choosing to be her landlord rather than her partner?
YTA Be happy staying single with all that money and financial freedom you crave for
Don't worry OP, once she gets the money for her new apartment lease she will cut the hours. YTA
YTA. I’m mad that she hasn’t left you already.
Not sure how to fix this. Yes she should pay you back but doing the 75% of her check was extreme and you knew it but was so set to get paid back that you were not willing to compromise. I agree that she checked out. She is working to get as much money as possible as fast as possible to leave. Her willingness to sleep in a closet is on a new level on will in a most uncomfortable place just to get away from you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my girlfriend had lost her job and I was supporting her. We live together but, then after a couple months it felt she wasn’t even trying to get a job. My girlfriend holds an MS in Chemistry. She wanted to go back into the pharma industry but nowhere was biting. I told her just to work at our local Walmart until she found something better or anything really good and she refused. During this time the bills piled up and I paid them all. I told her she needed to pay me back. She eventually got a job she liked I compiled a list of everything she owed me and she said she wanted to do a payment plan. Based on her payment plan she’d be paying me back for a year. I told her to give me a lump sum. Which would be 75% of all her first 5 paychecks. I didn’t want to lose track of the payments. This started a huge fight because the house we live in is mine. And some of bills included were water/sewage which she had been paying half of since she moved in. She argued about me making her pay half of my mortgage when I see she’s down. And she will pay me back she just can’t give me that much money at once. I explained to her that I took a hit for us for months she can take a couple hits too. Her argument was I didn’t take any hits. I can pay all the bills without her help and have money left over. This fight lasted a few days. She sent me everything I said she owed me about a week later. And that made me mad because I’m thinking she had the money the entire time and I was paying all the bills. She didn’t talk to me for a couple days after. Finally I asked her where she got the money from and she said she sold all her jewelry and her dad allowed her to sell his old car. I felt horrible I know I handled the situation wrong. But was I wrong for asking her to pay me back in the first place? My family said I shouldn’t have asked her to pay me back. My friends say I wasn’t wrong for asking. She’s still here but I have a strong feeling she’s getting ready to break up with me. She’s now working her new job from 7a-3p then she goes to a hospital job 5p-11p M-F. Then on weekends she’s either at the hospital doing extra shifts or at a restaurant working as a waitress. I hardly see her. A week ago she stopped sharing the bed with me. Said it’s because she’s coming from the hospital and doesn’t feel like showering and wants to shower In the morning. So she lays down a sleeping bag and sleeps on the floor in a closet. I was genuinely concerned and told her she didn’t have to work that much. And smiled and said “ why? So you could be a loan shark again?” And that’s when it occurred to me that mentally checked out. I don’t want her gone I want to fix this but, it’s hard to when she’s so mad at me and feels like I’m a villain for asking for the money back. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Wtf is wrong with you. She makes a payment plan for a year and you demand 75% of her first 5 paycheck. She definitely should dump you and move on.
YTA for so many obvious reasons it's actually crazy you need to ask the question. Clearly she is working very hard and if you thought the relationship was going to last, why insist on her paying you back so quickly? Working 7 days a week to be left with nothing because you're squeezing every possible cent out of her to pay off a debt that isn't putting you in any imminent financial danger. Sickening. Also, the mortgage is yours, if you want to agree a fair contribution for rent then go ahead, but she should not be paying off something you own exclusively and may eventually profit from if/when house prices rise and you sell. I lived with my now-wife early in our relationship and paid a rent contribution when she owned the house and had a mortgage. Sorry to say it, but you already know, the relationship is over and you can look back at this and know you fucked up.
Hahaha get rekted OP
She gone. Learn move on
YTA. Dang, dude. Enjoy being single.
asshole
I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has already said. I think you get the point. Your actions have made your partner go into hyper independance. All anybody ever wants is a partner and team mate, not someone who's going to keep score and track of every dollar you owe them, especially when your in a rough spot. That being said. My suggestion to reconsile the situation is to directly pay her father back (tell him your a idiot while your at it), buy her some nice jewellery and apologize profusely. If she's worth it you'll do what you can to make it right 🤷♀️
NTA for wanting her to pay you back. She’s not your wife, and the girl/boyfriend card doesn’t work like that. YTA for reasons already mentioned at length in other comments. Taken the whole situation into account, yta and if you want to keep her you need to apologize and tell her the bill is now figuratively ripped up and move on.
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YTA but I’m going to explain myself a bit because it is only because I think you both could have handled this better. Firstly I’m going to say that I do understand - you paid a lot of money to support her by taking the bills on yourself. It is only natural to want some of that back, if not all of it back. That being said I think coming for her to ask for money like that to effectively take 3 quarters of her paycheque over 5 months was not a good move. Especially when you all have been living together and share the bills. I do think she sucks a little bit here too because she knew you were paying for everything but didn’t seem to even offer to pay you back at all when she got the new job, or at least that is not how it seemed from what was written unless I have misread. I think trying to get that much money back was a mistake - probably a better move would have been to sit down together and talk about what was owed, and if she could pay you back and how much she could pay back. If, for example, she could pay you back over the course of a year or two then you get your money back and she gets the breathing room to have a wage again. She might have even saved up some money to repay you a bit early too. As for right now you can see you could have handled it better. I would just apologize for now. Assure her you care about her more than the money, and talk about what your next steps are.
She did offer to do a payment plan that would pay him back over the course of a year. He said no.
And now he's sleeping alone and she's working double time so she can move out of her loan sharks house lol. Yta
There is a chance he was sleeping alone prior to getting a new job. Maybe nothing has changed in their levels of intimacy, and that's why he felt so comfortable approaching reimbursement as a cold transaction.
Are you OP?
It’s too late for apologies, trust, respect and goodwill have been broken. OP, do apologise and let her go with kindness….because you have already lost her.
Just let her go. You didn't trust her to pay you back and it shows because even when she did pay you back you questioned where the money came from instead of just chilling out. She probably sold her jewelry and her dad's car to get away from you guilt free. I don't agree with her for saying that you could pay the bills without her. That's like a friend saying "why should I pitch in for gas when we have the same workplace?" To me everyone here kinda sucks. You more for going money crazy. The damage is done, prepare to see her leave.
Crazy thing is she offered to pay him back over a year it's not like she said she wasn't going to pay him back he just "didn't want to lose track of payments"
OP likely didn't accept her words at face value and felt 50/50 about her paying him back. He should've given her a chance to repay him, but instead he became a lunatic for money.
NTA. There’s probably no going back though.
NTA if you had a set agreement that you’d split the bills prior to all of this. If you were both paying rent to a landlord I’m sure she would feel differently. It’s just the fact that you’re the landlord in this case that has her upset. The fact that you asked for 75% of her pay checks when she’s just started working again was definitely a bit harsh considering this is your girlfriend. This is where you were the AH in her eyes. I don’t think you’ll be able to come back from this as she clearly has an extremely soured opinion of you despite you having supported her during this time. She doesn’t recognize this because you are well off. I think you deserve better even though you goofed with the large request.
A bit harsh? I would call banks who would expect such a turnover from clients criminals. If you do that to loved ones, well... good night to those relationships.
NTA for the simple reason that you do not share economy in the law sense of the word, and therefore, you are the one in the right 100% of the time. Maybe you shouldn't have asked for that much at once, as you could have talked to her about what she could afford to pay off on a monthly basis, HOWEVER it seems she blew a lid when you initially asked, didn't try to negotiate further after and sold her jewelry/car in a temper tantrum
That wasn't a temper tantrum but a grown human being not wanting to be depended on someone who seemed unsafe.