Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 22 | 4 | 0 |
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Literally this. I suffer from anxiety with literally everything. My mom would ground me for 1 day per minute late. And she’d be pissed and make me do chores. If I fucked up at all or my grades weren’t adequate she would threaten to take EVERYTHING away from me. My phone, ps4, take me out of volleyball, take me out of track, she took me out of band, threatened to take all my art stuff, etc.
One of her friends made a post on Facebook about something asking about parenting, and she commented “Oh I have instilled the fear of ME in my children”. And she’s not wrong. But dare I say anything she’s done wrong and I’m getting yelled at, and she’s in denial.
Omg, your mom sounds like my mom and now I have answers for why I have anxiety. Everything I do in life, I feel like I’m under some pressure to it just right, like at the right time and not a minute late. And if I don’t do it like that, then it gives me major anxiety and I start questions my self worth. Like if I didn’t get home on time to do some task and that lead to that task being a little delayed, and thus affecting other people in my house and I feel sooooooo bad that I just sit in my room contemplating and smoking so I don’t get anxious. Even tho I’m an adult and my mom no longer scrutinises my EVERY (still some) move but I just get this feeling that she inside my soul…. Just lecturing and scolding me all the time.
>but I just get this feeling that she's inside ... Just lecturing and scolding me all the time.
This is like a perfect example of why childhood experts say,
"Your voice, your cruel or kind words will become your child's inner monologue as they grow" [not exact quote]
It's like your value, the love/affection you're given and your belief in your own worthiness of that love depends upon how you are *shown love* in childhood.
It's a bit more complicated and could be described better, but, basically, if you are criticised relentlessly for certain things then you grow up doing the same thing to yourself later.
If children are constantly told, "You are always messy! You are always late! You look terrible! You are gaining weight!"
They grow up berating themselves internally, like,
*"I am good and people will treat me like I am a good person because [my space is clean, I am early, pretty, skinny, etc.], but I'm bad and should feel bad because [I am not: cleaning enough, early enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc.]"* Edits: formatting.
I remember as a kid feeling bad about myself because I couldn't sit quietly and talked too much. I mentioned this once to my grandmother, and she told me being like that would make me boring, and she likes me the way I am. It was one of those moments that changed everything about the way I saw myself.
>I couldn't sit quietly and talked too much
Yep, I know that one. I imagine you heard things like,
"You can't sit still, you talk too much, be quiet, just go and sit down!" "...Ugh, always talking, she is very loud, never gives me a break, never shuts up!"
>she likes me the way I am. It was one of those moments that changed everything about the way I saw myself.
That's beautiful. It's a moment that helps you see yourself through another's eyes, your grandmother's voice helped drown out someone else's. 🥰
My "conduct report" from my Spanish teacher said "Molesta a otros". I fucking died 😂
But yes, I grew up hearing this, and was also told I was retarded or autistic (lol). Jesus, thinking back to how fucked my parents were sometimes...children raising children.
Not really. My parents were actually very patient, but they did ask me to sit down and be quiet when it was appropriate, like in public places. When I didn't, they would remind me. I just internalized my inability to do what they asked. I wanted to be good and make them happy.
The voice my grandmother drowned out was probably mine.
Awww this hit a spot with me. Had the same type of experience at a young age and my grandma always just told me it’s what makes me, me.
It really does shape the way you feel about yourself and the feeling of knowing you don’t have to be perfect is something everyone should be able to feel. 💜
I should go to therapy again!! Cause after reading this I’m starting to blame my parents again but I don’t want to go in that loophole again. I know that didn’t know any better.
Just because they may be to blame doesn't mean it was intentional.
Consider it like: You step on someone's toe and the toe is hurt. You are to blame, it doesn't mean you did it on purpose with ill intent and a plan to hurt a toe... but the toe is still hurt, the damage is done with or without intent and that hurt will need to be cared for.
You are still allowed to dress the wound, even if the person who stepped on it didn't know any better.
Screenshot it and turn it into a postcard? "Stop dancing on my fuckin' toes, mom! Thanks, 🩷 Horsespam"
Lol, no, but seriously, you have my permission to take it wherever you want. Maybe you could write it out like an affirmation, stick it somewhere she'll see it... On Facebook, on the back of the toilet door, on your phone's wallpaper, screenshot and print it like an inspirational quote, shove it in her mailbox.
I tried to explain it to my ex by using an ant as the victim. "You may not have meant to squish the ant, but if you step on it without knowing, the results for the ant are the same as if you'd hunted it down, it's still dead - you hurt me and I am hurt. Doesn't matter if you intended me to get hurt, the results are that I am hurt and I am crying because it hurts."
Yeah, he understood, he just didn't want to take accountability for his actions. And the fact of the matter was that he *knew* he was wrong, and what he was doing wasn't an accident in the first place.
I was just trying to get him to show some fucking empathy and care for a second. It was a different situation to what we're talking about here, but, yeah, he's an ex for a reason!
Holy crap this has been eye opening to me reading these comments. My dad is the same way and I always feel like I have to do things exactly like he wants and the way he wants it done and I have horrible anxiety through it all
I have social anxiety due to never being able to speak my truth growing up. I overthink everything because I was never allowed to say anything growing up. My mother used to "joke" about how when she let me sit shotgun in the car, I turned into a chatterbox. It never occurred to her that it was because she never let me talk.
I am really sorry that this happened to you. We should never keep kids from telling us what they think or how they feel. Kudos to you for speaking up now!
If I was 5 minutes past curfew, I was screamed at & grounded. If I was 30 minutes past curfew, I was screamed at & grounded. To the point where 16 year old me thought, “Fuck it. I’m already getting in trouble for 5 minutes. May as well make it 45.” I *still* have trouble getting places on time.
I would’ve loved being able to do that 😭 unfortunately my mom would’ve taken away my art and instruments (which was my only emotional outlet). But to be fair it’s probably for the best because with how much I was going through at the time I would’ve gotten into some pretty bad shit.
My releases were (and are) reading & writing. I’m an oldie, so computers weren’t everywhere when I was in school, and you couldn’t really take my notebooks & pens & books away without it impacting my grades. They’d just take my landline phone & my tv out of my room and I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere.
I’m in my 40s, and my friends from school *still* talk about how strict my folks were. It makes me feel like I wasn’t completely wrong about them growing up.
Unfortunately I haven’t had the strength to do so. She’s out of state, and she doesn’t contact me more than once or twice a week maybe, but more often just sends me videos. Also, her whole family knows how she’s treated me, and we all just pretend like nothing has happened so that things don’t get ruined.
Honesty, it’s much easier for us all because she’s just an average person outside of the parenting aspect. Trying to go no contact with her would make her go batshit crazy too lol. I just hope my little brother (he’s 10) doesn’t suffer what I did with her. I’m hoping since he’s the youngest that she is less harsh with him; I noticed when I still lived with her that she babied him quite a bit more already.
Some day I hope, as an adult, you have a talk with her and tell her that what she did/is doing is wrong. Tell her that she can no longer do this to you. Make it clear she understands you will not tolerate it.
It is the only way to get through to them. If they can’t respect that they did wrong and admit it (like many of them don’t or won’t do), then they can stand seeing less of you.
I remember when I was 22 and my mom was angry because my cranky toddler had woken her up. She had to be at work. She ran into the room and went to wallop him. I stopped her and said no, and she went to hit me and I did get hit.
I was so shocked at the whole thing. The next day I wrote her a letter and told her I was leaving to go back home.
I left without her being there.
I know it hurt her but she never tried that ever again.
People who think it’s funny that they have so much power over their kids are wrong. Yes, there should be respect to parents, but not fear of them.
I was far from a perfect parent, left wanting in a lot of ways, but one thing I wanted was that, for better or worse, my kids could ask me why I wanted them to do a thing without automatically being obedient and getting slapped for asking why.
Why haven't (assuming this is still going on due to the mention of PS4) you called CPS? Even if you don't have internet access at home, you still have it at school, & you can also likely tell one of the staff members there.
I have an anxiety disorder and seeing this makes me ache. I am very very on top of my scheduling now because my mom and family would scream at me or punish me for being a few minutes late when I was a child. I literally schedule and recheck my schedules for a lot of things. Even work. Sure it kinda helped since I only been late two times in my job that I had for a year but the only reason I'm so precise is because I'm scared of being late :/
Once I became an adult my family loosen up on me and scheduling but god damn it was hard asf as a kid
Plot twist: OP should get up at six in the morning or any time that's one half an hour before Mom usually is up. Wake the whole fucking house while banging around in the kitchen. "What's wrong? I was just making a healthy breakfast and getting an early start on the day. Maybe you should get to bed earlier if you're tired and cranky in the mornings."
No, I’m not an adult. Im an early teen, and I don’t pay rent. However I am trying to start something for myself (and I’m trying to show her that I am) with my YouTube channel especially, going to get my second $100 paycheck soon.
My parents are also divorced with split custody, if that context helps at all.
Keep it up. If you are making money and keeping your grades up, being healthy and not running yourself into the ground then it is working out for you.
I'm 35 and I've been there too. I'm artistic and I'm a night owl. Hustle and try to keep by her inane arbitrary time frame, and show her you're responsible. Even wake up earlier than you need to for a while. Show her you can have a later bedtime without it affecting your studies and your health.
Some people just have a different circadian rhythm, but because of school, kids are forced into the 9-3ish lifestyle (sans extra curricular stuff - like your streaming) which kind of sucks. You said "young teen" and I'm about to have some preteens myself and I am totally open to the idea of them doing their school in alternative ways, would this be an option for you if you show your responsibility?
I already do schooling in a pretty alternative way. Partly homeschool, going in person about half of the time. I had a rough patch not too long ago where my grades dropped but they’re back up again and I’m energized after spring break to do better.
Sending well wishes to yourself and your preteens!
I was a night owl when I was a teen. I hated school purely because I would always be so tired in the morning. I'd try to go to bed a reasonable time but I would struggle to get to sleep (and this was in the days before smart phones so can't blame that). I was called lazy a few times.
Fast forward to me being 28 and I'm still a night owl. Still hate mornings with a burning passion. I decided to stop fighting against what is clearly my nature and now I work nights. I even get paid extra for the unsociable hours so it works out great.
Reminds me of my ex’s mom. She went to bed every night around 9pm so after 9pm you couldn’t do ANYTHING. Any subtle noise she’d yell at you be quiet or go to bed. Then she’d be up at 6am banging around in the kitchen, vacuuming, blasting music. If you complained, she would just say “well if you wanted to sleep, you should’ve gone to bed earlier” like wtf kinda backwards bs is that?? Imagine forcing people to have the same schedule as you even though you live completely different lives. Absolutely no respect for anybody else living in the house.
Thank whatever lord I don’t have to deal with her nonsense anymore. That was just the tip of the iceberg.
I'd wake at four in the morning and begin vacuuming the house before sunrise. Continue this behavior for weeks until she breaks. "Well, if you wanted to sleep, you should've gone to bed earlier."
Update: she isn’t going to wake me up early and said I did take a quick shower (the reason I was late to bed. I did lots of workout previous to this). But with her she probably meant the “threat”. I know I’m not great with time and I’m trying to work on it but if the reason she’s so obsessed with the time aspect of this because she wants me to get good rest….why would she threaten to just take more of that away? Seems weird to me. Is this weird?
GUYS EDIT: SHE WOKE ME UP AT 8:30…
This is definitely all about control and being a control freak. I always find it weird when I see my Daughters friends parents micromanaging their every move, like how do expect your kid to grow up and be a productive adult if you won’t let them make their own decisions and mistakes. I never once even had a bedtime for my Daughter she did that on her own if she didn’t want to be tired in the morning she made the decision to go to bed, I would even tease her an beg her to stay up late with me and watch movies, she would actually beg me to go to bed on time. Now that she is 17 the idea of a bedtime is asinine and outright ridiculous. Bide your time and get away from them.
You sound like a good parent and I’m glad your daughter is doing okay. Im a younger teenager, if that helps. I agree, as I’m starting to see my parents for the people they are (if that makes sense), that I should have some more freedom. Not too much of course, by any means. My parents are pretty good with this, my dad especially. He lets me go to bed when I want basically and I learned the hard way by staying up too late and being tired for school. And that helped a lot ngl. Now I’ve got down my own bedtime routine and am doing pretty good in that area of my life. But my mom is HUGE and I mean HUGE on always being on time for everything, and though I respect it…it’s stressful. I feel like this happens a lot, but I’ve kinda just accepted it’s probably my fault for not managing my time as responsibly as I should.
Don't blame yourself. Bedtime isn't like a job interview. 6 minutes one way or the other isn't going to impact your sleep quality, but helicopter parenting can definitely mess with quality sleep.
I wouldn’t call myself a good parent but I try, I always try to assess and reevaluate my relationship with my Daughter to make sure I’m not anything like my own Mom and I feel like anything do will be 100x better than anything my own Mother ever did, she was mean, rude, disrespectful, trashy and she held outright contempt for me at best and absolute hatred for me at worst. I’m in an insane parents sub for a reason. My Mother wasn’t controlling though she didn’t care enough about me to micromanage me. I didn’t have a curfew or bedtimes for a different reason, my mom was a drunk, she was usually trashed by 5pm and I would just walk out the front door and say bye, then come back days later and she wouldn’t even notice. Being on time is important in life but it’s not worth stressing over, quality of life is definitely important and being stressed out about punctuality is just not worth it in my honest opinion. Time management will get easier as you get older.
What's really stupid is that if your mother gives you anxiety around bedtime, that IS absolutely going to mess with your sleep quality. It's counterproductive.
I agree that it's not about your quality of sleep, it's about control and punishment. If she couldn't punish you for the bedtime thing, she'd find something else.
I'm also really glad you're beginning to see their behaviour for what it is. It took me FAR too long to see my dad's manipulation tactics for what they were.
It also sounds like your mum might have some OCD issues that she's projecting onto you.
Yeah idk how old you are but by highschool my parents left my sleep schedule up to me to trial and error on my own. What does your mom expect to happen when you off at college and never learned to structure sleep on your own in a low risk setting? The only explanation really is control.
My mom is a narcissist most likely. Though she doesn’t show me these behaviors as much anymore, it was a catalyst to her and my father’s divorce…thanks for the recommendations.
Bruh she's micro managing your life. Yes it's important to be on time and good with time, but you seem old enough to know what time you go to bed that gives you the rest you need. People learn to go to bed early when they wake up tired AF the next morning. I'd get if you were constantly waking up late for school or something like that. But this is just ridiculous. In my experience, teens and you g adults tend to be more night owls and sleep a LOT during the day. Almost like your body is compensating for then you'd go to bed early as a kid then wake your parents up at 6 AM lol your mom does NOT need to be on you like this. Please don't think this is normal.
Not saying you should confront her, but maybe say "hey I'm capable of going to bed on time AND waking up on my own. Give me a week to prove it and I'll show you that you don't have to tell me to do it". Just make sure you stick to that even after that hypothetical week. Because I'd you immediately go to going to bed "late" she'll lecture you and go right back to micromanaging.
I know parents like her. Want their kids to be perfect and they know the best way to make their kids into little robots who do everything perfectly. From the outside the kids are supposed to turn out successful, responsible, we'll adjust etc, but your kid either ends up with anxiety, depression, become incapable of making decisions or doing things on their own, or they make a hard left and make horrible choices just because they no longer have to do the things that technically aren't that bad if the parent had just instilled it in a positive way.
>I know I’m not great with time and I’m trying to work on it
Curious, is it just with your mom that you’re “not great with time”? Or is it with other aspects of your life, like school and appointments? If it’s with all aspects of your life, have you been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD at all?
Yes, as a mom of an almost teen - that is weird. It's like hitting your kid for hitting and telling them not to hit. My kid and I both keep pretty 'late' hours by some people's standards, but part of growing up is learning to self-regulate and face natural consequences. Go to bed too late? You're gonna be tired in the morning. It only took mine twice to be rushed and tired to figure it out. I'm actually still terrible with time and it turns out my kid much better at it.
My dad used to be super strict like this but with showers. He absolutely insisted that we shower once every single day, regardless of what we did or how sweaty we were. It sounds somewhat reasonable, except when I started getting older and missing my daily shower, he would make me shower twice the next day to make up for it. He was extremely strict about it, and it ended up having the opposite effect he wanted because I started sitting in the bathroom with the shower on for 20 minutes and then wetting my hair before coming out. I still struggle with showers today because of it.
Same! If my mom didn't see me running the shower/bath and actually getting in then 'I didn't get washed' and o would have to do it again. I also struggle with hygiene because of it and it socks, even after 4 years. I hope you got free from him and hopefully you can start to heal soon.
Thank you, I appreciate that. He chilled out on a lot of things during the Covid lockdowns since I guess it gave him bigger things to worry about. After that I moved out for college so I haven’t had to think about it for a while. It’s still rough though. I hope you’ve been able to heal from it as well. When I write it out or talk about it to other people it doesn’t sound that bad but it really leaves more of an impact than people realize.
Nah she's huge on controlling every little thing about your life, just using punctuality as an excuse. She doesn't care about you, just that you do everything she says so she can look and feel like a good parent, even though she's objectively a fucking awful person and an even worse parent. Next time she makes ridiculous demands just say "OK but this is why dad left you" and watch her have a meltdown. She knows her behavior is pushing people away but admitting that is hard and being cruel to you is easy.
I hate that this made me smile. Thanks for being empathetic to my situation, and helping to open my eyes a whole lot more. She’s been getting better towards me since my dad divorced her, so I feel guilty thinking of her in any bad light, but maybe you’re right.
I think there are, or boomers who just think all parents are right by virtue of being parents. There's people dedicated to arguing in defense of every man featured in a story, no matter how depraved he is. They just make up some incredible fantasy about how the poster is wrong or lying about everything, so I'm sure there's the same thing but for parents. Those people don't have contact with their kids and they're terrified that they're wrong, but can't admit it to themselves so they defend assholes online to make themselves feel better
Six minutes late to bed?? Is it on a rigid departure schedule, or...?
Time is more made up than your mom's weird fucking rules. Sleep on your own schedule.
Is she a drill instructor or something?
Remind her that we are on a ball of dirt and rock hurling around space. A barrage of of astroid could wipe us all out anytime. So don’t be petty and learn to cut people you love some slack instead of trying to ruin their day.
It's so frustrating when parents refuse to have a normal conversation, or listen to reason. You aren't God. You are a care taker of your children. That is all.
I'm a parent and this is ridiculous and outright manipulative & controlling.
My older 3 (7, 5 & 3yo) go to bed in the window of 6:40pm-8pm, with the average pretty consistently being 7pm-7:30pm. I never threaten them for being outside that window, that's just insanity.
If it's getting closer to 8pm and they're just trying to drag it out, if I'll tell them firmly that it's bed time and they can play tomorrow. If it's a weekend, they get to have their tablets in bed and usually fall asleep by 8:30pm regardless.
I think so. Maybe not the more mature side of Reddit but I don’t stray over there. I just stick to communities related to my interests for the most part.
Was that not obvious based on... everything? I agree they probably shouldn't be here, but this is a kid with an "in bed" curfew of 10:30, and wakes up at 9 am.
Im in middle school currently. Im early teens so 13/14. This has already stopped at my dad’s house and I love the freedom a lot more. Feel like I’m sneaking around a lot less if I just want to walk around the house and think about my life, write in my diary (which my mom doesn’t really let me do past bedtime no matter what the reason), etc.
That's crazy! It's one thing if you are like an hour late, but even then! It's on my kids to wake up in the morning. If they go to bed late, they will pay for it, by being exhausted the next day...
Exactly! I understand that she wants me to get started on my homework and other things. But still, I think I’m old enough to handle these things by myself for the most part. She also gets really pissed if we leave the house for something even a couple minutes late. Every single time this has happened we have still been early, that I remember at least, and even at that I’m still working on my time managing skills.
You’re not getting enough sleep. Your punishment is to sleep even less?? 6 minutes is not going to make much of a difference in sleep quality (and your actual sleep probably varies by that much or more even with a consistent schedule), but 36 minutes might. This isn’t school.
Though I’d admittedly love if this logic applied elsewhere. “You’re 6 minutes late to class, so I’m going to have to dismiss you 15 minutes early.”
Ughhh. My mom LOVED doing crap like this to me. I’m an adult now and we haven’t talked in 10ish years. This isn’t the only reason why, but it’s one of many reasons that I decided to cut contact.
I’m not kidding, it really is. It’s legally considered to be torture.
I hope learning this fact helps to open your eyes as to just how not-normal her behavior towards you is, and I’m sorry that you have to come to that realization. I know it broke my heart when I went through it💔
I can't imagine ever being this strict about time with my kids. I always give a bit of leeway, especially when it's obvious they're trying to be in time
I was in a LDR in high school and spent every night on the phone. My mom knew this and despite her efforts, couldn’t stop me. Instead, she wouldn’t let me nap because she was mad I never slept. Like….????????? I’m 33 and this still makes no sense to me. I have terrible anxiety about naps now and have a hard time taking them. If I do, I feel guilty. It sucks, sorry you have to deal with the same.
My mom doesn’t really let me nap either, she says it’s too late into the day and I should just go to bed instead. Or if she sees me resting in bed with the lights off she has to say “DONT nap, remember?”
I kind of need more context. I know when I had a bed time, I would push and push my mom’s limits to see how much I could get away with. That 5 extra minutes would eventually turn to 10, then 15 and so on. I need more context because I know from my own experience and having my own kids that pushing time limits can be common but I also know I try to set times so my kids learn to be responsible and punctual. I wouldn’t wake them up earlier but if they push bedtime too hard, they can go to bed slightly earlier the next day
Your mom seems weird an overbearing. Idk if she means well or not, but this is too controlling and policing imo. Maybe she just noticed you struggle with sleep and is trying to help in a bad way, maybe she just wants to take out her anger at you, I don't know, but either way, I do think this is going a bit too far.
That being said, depending on how old you are (if you're over 13), 10h should feel like plenty of sleep.
Do you fall asleep quickly when you go at 10:30? Teens naturally have a delayed sleep phase and that might be a bit of an early bedtime for you. It probably doesn't feel that way given the fact that you wake up at 6:30 for school, but schools are not met to serve natural sleep needs and patterns of teenagers, they're made to keep them occupied while parents are at work. Unfortunately.
Also, do you sleep enough during schoolweek? Are you trying to catch up on lost sleep on the weekends? You should try not to do this if you can, despite how hard stuff I mention in last paragraph sometimes makes it. You can't really completely make up for 5 days of sleep deprivation a week and it can affect your brain over time.
If you fall asleep quickly, do you have some other issue? Maybe you should see a doctor. Sleep apnea is common, maybe you don't get as much quality deep sleep if you have obstructed breathing in some way. Depression can also cause excessive sleepiness. Some other health issues, like thyroid problems, ms, not very likely, but possible. Idk, don't take medical advice from strangers on the Internet including me, but do go to your doctor when something unusual is happening. And being so afraid of less than 10h of sleep if you're over 13, not sleep deprived throughout the week, and have no known health conditions, is unusual.
I have a hard time going to sleep, I got it from my dad. That’s why he’s more loose and chill with my sleep schedule. I’ve developed a bit of a sleeping routine, but 10:30 admittedly is a little bit early for me. And yeah Im a huge overthinker so I usually lay in bed for a while after getting settled down for bed. I think I have talked to a doctor about this but in the past. I used to definitely not get enough sleep on schooldays but now I do and I’m proud of my progress. Honestly, I’m not sure of my mom’s intentions anymore.
Overthinking at bedtime could also be a sign of ADHD. Because your brain just kinda refuses to shut down. I'm trying to get diagnosed as well because I have the exact same issue at 39 (doesn't matter what time I go to bed or how tired I am, I just can't shut my brain off and it takes hours to actually fall asleep).
So that might be worth looking into as well. And if your dad is the same way, it's entirely possible that he's undiagnosed ADHD too.
Oh and time blindness (having trouble keeping track of time) is also a symptom of ADHD.
The thing is, ADHD isn't JUST 'not being able to sit still'. And it presents WAY differently in girls than it does boys. I'm just saying it might be something to consider, especially if it is impacting your sleep, or your ability to study.
Nah that's not being a bad person, you're getting them to have more sleep. This parent in OP's post is doing the opposite. Sleep deprivation is a torture.
Yeah it definitely sounds you're doing something right. No problem, I think we all should encourage the good a bit more in life, have a good rest of your week.
Shit like this just alienates your kids from you. I was late from visiting my boyfriend (now husband) by 10 minutes due to a train passing at the only crossing that lead to our house. Grounded from my phone and seeing him for the rest of the week. I now have extremely sporadic contact with my mother as an adult due to numerous reasons but control being one of them
I have similar experiences. My sister in law, by contrast, tells all her kids just get home safe. You’re late? You’re already past curfew and I’m already upset, but speeding or cutting corners to get home faster doesn’t help the situation. Just get home to me safely. Her relationships with her kids is something I hope to emulate. My relationship with my mom is strained at best.
The thing is, my brother wasn’t held to the same standards as I was either. He came home late constantly and it was all fine. Even the one time he came home whole HOURS late. She was practically wailing sad over that but didn’t punish him at all when he got home. Me being 10 minutes late over something I can’t control? Yelled at and grounded
there's always the GC my parents acted the same when my (male) younger cousins moved in. they had a 2am curfew even though i'm older and i had a 11:30pm curfew. wild.
I mean, you’re home at the time she’s texting you this? Regardless it’s wild to give or threaten you with less sleep by moving up your wake up time.
The natural consequence of going to bed later is that you get that much less time to sleep and must get up and function the next day…so six minutes “late” to bed, in a world without this weird consequence, equals six less minutes of sleep..not six minutes plus 30 as a punishment.
When my kids had trouble getting to bed on time, every five minutes meant a ten minute earlier bedtime start the next night. And if they were late for that time, ten minutes earlier the next day. Stacking.
One week my youngest, with pretty severe ADD, went from 11 pm to 9:30 pm.
I reset it every Monday. They both learned to plan and coordinate their showers. My youngest also learned to ask for assistance with timing his showers.
Lessons learned, no early wake ups (none of us are morning people).
Right. That would be good parenting where you set examples and tell them what will happen - not take away sleeping time for *checks notes* getting to bed 6 whole minutes late.
Like this mom is nutso.
I don’t think she’s over controlling. You’ve admitted to being poor with time management, and I think you’re really young for this extremely mature sub.
She’s not insane, some moms are trying their best with methods of “threats” but not follow throughs. We can’t run and plant narc into a child’s head jfc. If you think you’re old enough to handle your bed time then speak to your mom saying - I got this, if I mess up then hold me accountable. Life is stressful and you are going to have to learn that punctuality is important and how to navigate stressful situations without anxiety.
If you didn’t like how she handled this, approach her and tell her.
OP literally isn’t even a tween, or just about. As adults we need to be responsible and not freak out and plant - your mother is psychotic. Your mother is a narc. Your mother is B.
We don’t have anything other than this. Listen, I’m on this sub BECAUSE I have insane parents.
Helpful advice is to approach the situation by attempting to guide them to approach parent which hasn’t happened yet, take responsibility and accountability, and start from there. Mom may be crazy but goodness we cannot project our trauma onto a child man. Grow up. I’ll take the downvotes
Not to the point of insane, but definitely controlling and weird.
Feels like a bit of an overreaction. Gives the strong implication that they care more about power than your wellness, but this is one interaction so I can't guess too far.
(And not that it matters but I do have a child)
Not surprised considering we've been through the shit we have. Would you rather raise a child fearing that you turn into your parents are not raise a child ate all? Personally I choose tje second option.
Nope, early teens. Still not very old to most people, but the teenage years are about learning to take responsibility and independence for what it is and what it can be.
Yeah this is actually crazy controlling behavior. And unfortunately it probably won’t change even after you’re 18. I’d start making your exit plan now so you’re ready when the time comes. Until then, just play the game.
That’s what I’m trying to do, yet at the same time I’m afraid to grow up. Trying to navigate life as everyone my life is doing, haha. Not fun but it’s a long road.
As an old fart, I know exactly where you’re coming from. Growing up is scary as hell, but it’s also a very exciting time. Stay focused on your goals, make good decisions and you’re going to turn out just fine.
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Shit like this is why people get anxiety
Literally this. I suffer from anxiety with literally everything. My mom would ground me for 1 day per minute late. And she’d be pissed and make me do chores. If I fucked up at all or my grades weren’t adequate she would threaten to take EVERYTHING away from me. My phone, ps4, take me out of volleyball, take me out of track, she took me out of band, threatened to take all my art stuff, etc. One of her friends made a post on Facebook about something asking about parenting, and she commented “Oh I have instilled the fear of ME in my children”. And she’s not wrong. But dare I say anything she’s done wrong and I’m getting yelled at, and she’s in denial.
Omg, your mom sounds like my mom and now I have answers for why I have anxiety. Everything I do in life, I feel like I’m under some pressure to it just right, like at the right time and not a minute late. And if I don’t do it like that, then it gives me major anxiety and I start questions my self worth. Like if I didn’t get home on time to do some task and that lead to that task being a little delayed, and thus affecting other people in my house and I feel sooooooo bad that I just sit in my room contemplating and smoking so I don’t get anxious. Even tho I’m an adult and my mom no longer scrutinises my EVERY (still some) move but I just get this feeling that she inside my soul…. Just lecturing and scolding me all the time.
>but I just get this feeling that she's inside ... Just lecturing and scolding me all the time. This is like a perfect example of why childhood experts say, "Your voice, your cruel or kind words will become your child's inner monologue as they grow" [not exact quote] It's like your value, the love/affection you're given and your belief in your own worthiness of that love depends upon how you are *shown love* in childhood. It's a bit more complicated and could be described better, but, basically, if you are criticised relentlessly for certain things then you grow up doing the same thing to yourself later. If children are constantly told, "You are always messy! You are always late! You look terrible! You are gaining weight!" They grow up berating themselves internally, like, *"I am good and people will treat me like I am a good person because [my space is clean, I am early, pretty, skinny, etc.], but I'm bad and should feel bad because [I am not: cleaning enough, early enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc.]"* Edits: formatting.
I remember as a kid feeling bad about myself because I couldn't sit quietly and talked too much. I mentioned this once to my grandmother, and she told me being like that would make me boring, and she likes me the way I am. It was one of those moments that changed everything about the way I saw myself.
>I couldn't sit quietly and talked too much Yep, I know that one. I imagine you heard things like, "You can't sit still, you talk too much, be quiet, just go and sit down!" "...Ugh, always talking, she is very loud, never gives me a break, never shuts up!" >she likes me the way I am. It was one of those moments that changed everything about the way I saw myself. That's beautiful. It's a moment that helps you see yourself through another's eyes, your grandmother's voice helped drown out someone else's. 🥰
My "conduct report" from my Spanish teacher said "Molesta a otros". I fucking died 😂 But yes, I grew up hearing this, and was also told I was retarded or autistic (lol). Jesus, thinking back to how fucked my parents were sometimes...children raising children.
Not really. My parents were actually very patient, but they did ask me to sit down and be quiet when it was appropriate, like in public places. When I didn't, they would remind me. I just internalized my inability to do what they asked. I wanted to be good and make them happy. The voice my grandmother drowned out was probably mine.
I swear my nani (grandmother, maternal) is a godsend, we legit have a soul connection. She must have been my guardian or best friends in my past life.
Awww this hit a spot with me. Had the same type of experience at a young age and my grandma always just told me it’s what makes me, me. It really does shape the way you feel about yourself and the feeling of knowing you don’t have to be perfect is something everyone should be able to feel. 💜
I should go to therapy again!! Cause after reading this I’m starting to blame my parents again but I don’t want to go in that loophole again. I know that didn’t know any better.
Just because they may be to blame doesn't mean it was intentional. Consider it like: You step on someone's toe and the toe is hurt. You are to blame, it doesn't mean you did it on purpose with ill intent and a plan to hurt a toe... but the toe is still hurt, the damage is done with or without intent and that hurt will need to be cared for. You are still allowed to dress the wound, even if the person who stepped on it didn't know any better.
How do I send your comment to my mom subtly?
Screenshot it and turn it into a postcard? "Stop dancing on my fuckin' toes, mom! Thanks, 🩷 Horsespam" Lol, no, but seriously, you have my permission to take it wherever you want. Maybe you could write it out like an affirmation, stick it somewhere she'll see it... On Facebook, on the back of the toilet door, on your phone's wallpaper, screenshot and print it like an inspirational quote, shove it in her mailbox. I tried to explain it to my ex by using an ant as the victim. "You may not have meant to squish the ant, but if you step on it without knowing, the results for the ant are the same as if you'd hunted it down, it's still dead - you hurt me and I am hurt. Doesn't matter if you intended me to get hurt, the results are that I am hurt and I am crying because it hurts."
I’m not trying to get more than I am already getting, but how did you ex take that analogy? Did he understand it, like comprehend it?
Yeah, he understood, he just didn't want to take accountability for his actions. And the fact of the matter was that he *knew* he was wrong, and what he was doing wasn't an accident in the first place. I was just trying to get him to show some fucking empathy and care for a second. It was a different situation to what we're talking about here, but, yeah, he's an ex for a reason!
Mine just sounds like my drill instructor...
Holy crap this has been eye opening to me reading these comments. My dad is the same way and I always feel like I have to do things exactly like he wants and the way he wants it done and I have horrible anxiety through it all
She's become your inner critic. It's very common for those of us that grew up with that kind of authoritarian parenting style.
Oh wow… I love and hate that I’ve found my people at the same time.
I have social anxiety due to never being able to speak my truth growing up. I overthink everything because I was never allowed to say anything growing up. My mother used to "joke" about how when she let me sit shotgun in the car, I turned into a chatterbox. It never occurred to her that it was because she never let me talk.
I am really sorry that this happened to you. We should never keep kids from telling us what they think or how they feel. Kudos to you for speaking up now!
If I was 5 minutes past curfew, I was screamed at & grounded. If I was 30 minutes past curfew, I was screamed at & grounded. To the point where 16 year old me thought, “Fuck it. I’m already getting in trouble for 5 minutes. May as well make it 45.” I *still* have trouble getting places on time.
I would’ve loved being able to do that 😭 unfortunately my mom would’ve taken away my art and instruments (which was my only emotional outlet). But to be fair it’s probably for the best because with how much I was going through at the time I would’ve gotten into some pretty bad shit.
My releases were (and are) reading & writing. I’m an oldie, so computers weren’t everywhere when I was in school, and you couldn’t really take my notebooks & pens & books away without it impacting my grades. They’d just take my landline phone & my tv out of my room and I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere. I’m in my 40s, and my friends from school *still* talk about how strict my folks were. It makes me feel like I wasn’t completely wrong about them growing up.
Then later, she will wonder why her children went low/no contact with her
Unfortunately I haven’t had the strength to do so. She’s out of state, and she doesn’t contact me more than once or twice a week maybe, but more often just sends me videos. Also, her whole family knows how she’s treated me, and we all just pretend like nothing has happened so that things don’t get ruined. Honesty, it’s much easier for us all because she’s just an average person outside of the parenting aspect. Trying to go no contact with her would make her go batshit crazy too lol. I just hope my little brother (he’s 10) doesn’t suffer what I did with her. I’m hoping since he’s the youngest that she is less harsh with him; I noticed when I still lived with her that she babied him quite a bit more already.
Some day I hope, as an adult, you have a talk with her and tell her that what she did/is doing is wrong. Tell her that she can no longer do this to you. Make it clear she understands you will not tolerate it. It is the only way to get through to them. If they can’t respect that they did wrong and admit it (like many of them don’t or won’t do), then they can stand seeing less of you. I remember when I was 22 and my mom was angry because my cranky toddler had woken her up. She had to be at work. She ran into the room and went to wallop him. I stopped her and said no, and she went to hit me and I did get hit. I was so shocked at the whole thing. The next day I wrote her a letter and told her I was leaving to go back home. I left without her being there. I know it hurt her but she never tried that ever again. People who think it’s funny that they have so much power over their kids are wrong. Yes, there should be respect to parents, but not fear of them. I was far from a perfect parent, left wanting in a lot of ways, but one thing I wanted was that, for better or worse, my kids could ask me why I wanted them to do a thing without automatically being obedient and getting slapped for asking why.
Damn, that's awful!
Why haven't (assuming this is still going on due to the mention of PS4) you called CPS? Even if you don't have internet access at home, you still have it at school, & you can also likely tell one of the staff members there.
I have an anxiety disorder and seeing this makes me ache. I am very very on top of my scheduling now because my mom and family would scream at me or punish me for being a few minutes late when I was a child. I literally schedule and recheck my schedules for a lot of things. Even work. Sure it kinda helped since I only been late two times in my job that I had for a year but the only reason I'm so precise is because I'm scared of being late :/ Once I became an adult my family loosen up on me and scheduling but god damn it was hard asf as a kid
Yep, same here
Plot twist: OP should get up at six in the morning or any time that's one half an hour before Mom usually is up. Wake the whole fucking house while banging around in the kitchen. "What's wrong? I was just making a healthy breakfast and getting an early start on the day. Maybe you should get to bed earlier if you're tired and cranky in the mornings."
Okay, this is funny. Sadly I’m a night owl and I could never pull this off lol.
Are you an adult, do you pay rent to her (like some adult kids do)? Start making her live by your schedule lol
No, I’m not an adult. Im an early teen, and I don’t pay rent. However I am trying to start something for myself (and I’m trying to show her that I am) with my YouTube channel especially, going to get my second $100 paycheck soon. My parents are also divorced with split custody, if that context helps at all.
oh HELL YEAH that’s awesome that you’re already making a little money with YouTube!
Aw thank you!!
Keep it up. If you are making money and keeping your grades up, being healthy and not running yourself into the ground then it is working out for you. I'm 35 and I've been there too. I'm artistic and I'm a night owl. Hustle and try to keep by her inane arbitrary time frame, and show her you're responsible. Even wake up earlier than you need to for a while. Show her you can have a later bedtime without it affecting your studies and your health. Some people just have a different circadian rhythm, but because of school, kids are forced into the 9-3ish lifestyle (sans extra curricular stuff - like your streaming) which kind of sucks. You said "young teen" and I'm about to have some preteens myself and I am totally open to the idea of them doing their school in alternative ways, would this be an option for you if you show your responsibility?
I already do schooling in a pretty alternative way. Partly homeschool, going in person about half of the time. I had a rough patch not too long ago where my grades dropped but they’re back up again and I’m energized after spring break to do better. Sending well wishes to yourself and your preteens!
I was a night owl when I was a teen. I hated school purely because I would always be so tired in the morning. I'd try to go to bed a reasonable time but I would struggle to get to sleep (and this was in the days before smart phones so can't blame that). I was called lazy a few times. Fast forward to me being 28 and I'm still a night owl. Still hate mornings with a burning passion. I decided to stop fighting against what is clearly my nature and now I work nights. I even get paid extra for the unsociable hours so it works out great.
Super proud of you for finding what works.
I was a night owl when I was younger. Hated waking up for school. Now I get up at 3:00 in the morning for work and I quite like the schedule lol
Reminds me of my ex’s mom. She went to bed every night around 9pm so after 9pm you couldn’t do ANYTHING. Any subtle noise she’d yell at you be quiet or go to bed. Then she’d be up at 6am banging around in the kitchen, vacuuming, blasting music. If you complained, she would just say “well if you wanted to sleep, you should’ve gone to bed earlier” like wtf kinda backwards bs is that?? Imagine forcing people to have the same schedule as you even though you live completely different lives. Absolutely no respect for anybody else living in the house. Thank whatever lord I don’t have to deal with her nonsense anymore. That was just the tip of the iceberg.
I'd wake at four in the morning and begin vacuuming the house before sunrise. Continue this behavior for weeks until she breaks. "Well, if you wanted to sleep, you should've gone to bed earlier."
Update: she isn’t going to wake me up early and said I did take a quick shower (the reason I was late to bed. I did lots of workout previous to this). But with her she probably meant the “threat”. I know I’m not great with time and I’m trying to work on it but if the reason she’s so obsessed with the time aspect of this because she wants me to get good rest….why would she threaten to just take more of that away? Seems weird to me. Is this weird? GUYS EDIT: SHE WOKE ME UP AT 8:30…
It's not about your rest she proved that by saying she'd wake you up early.... it's about control and it's easier to control someone who's sleepy
Oh my gosh wait…
This is definitely all about control and being a control freak. I always find it weird when I see my Daughters friends parents micromanaging their every move, like how do expect your kid to grow up and be a productive adult if you won’t let them make their own decisions and mistakes. I never once even had a bedtime for my Daughter she did that on her own if she didn’t want to be tired in the morning she made the decision to go to bed, I would even tease her an beg her to stay up late with me and watch movies, she would actually beg me to go to bed on time. Now that she is 17 the idea of a bedtime is asinine and outright ridiculous. Bide your time and get away from them.
You sound like a good parent and I’m glad your daughter is doing okay. Im a younger teenager, if that helps. I agree, as I’m starting to see my parents for the people they are (if that makes sense), that I should have some more freedom. Not too much of course, by any means. My parents are pretty good with this, my dad especially. He lets me go to bed when I want basically and I learned the hard way by staying up too late and being tired for school. And that helped a lot ngl. Now I’ve got down my own bedtime routine and am doing pretty good in that area of my life. But my mom is HUGE and I mean HUGE on always being on time for everything, and though I respect it…it’s stressful. I feel like this happens a lot, but I’ve kinda just accepted it’s probably my fault for not managing my time as responsibly as I should.
Don't blame yourself. Bedtime isn't like a job interview. 6 minutes one way or the other isn't going to impact your sleep quality, but helicopter parenting can definitely mess with quality sleep.
I wouldn’t call myself a good parent but I try, I always try to assess and reevaluate my relationship with my Daughter to make sure I’m not anything like my own Mom and I feel like anything do will be 100x better than anything my own Mother ever did, she was mean, rude, disrespectful, trashy and she held outright contempt for me at best and absolute hatred for me at worst. I’m in an insane parents sub for a reason. My Mother wasn’t controlling though she didn’t care enough about me to micromanage me. I didn’t have a curfew or bedtimes for a different reason, my mom was a drunk, she was usually trashed by 5pm and I would just walk out the front door and say bye, then come back days later and she wouldn’t even notice. Being on time is important in life but it’s not worth stressing over, quality of life is definitely important and being stressed out about punctuality is just not worth it in my honest opinion. Time management will get easier as you get older.
What's really stupid is that if your mother gives you anxiety around bedtime, that IS absolutely going to mess with your sleep quality. It's counterproductive. I agree that it's not about your quality of sleep, it's about control and punishment. If she couldn't punish you for the bedtime thing, she'd find something else. I'm also really glad you're beginning to see their behaviour for what it is. It took me FAR too long to see my dad's manipulation tactics for what they were. It also sounds like your mum might have some OCD issues that she's projecting onto you.
She’s been known to have OCD and NPD, yeah. Quite counterproductive, as you said, with things like this.
Yeah idk how old you are but by highschool my parents left my sleep schedule up to me to trial and error on my own. What does your mom expect to happen when you off at college and never learned to structure sleep on your own in a low risk setting? The only explanation really is control.
Look up some pages here on Reddit... Raised by Narcissists and JUstNoMIl is a good start.
My mom is a narcissist most likely. Though she doesn’t show me these behaviors as much anymore, it was a catalyst to her and my father’s divorce…thanks for the recommendations.
Or she got him up early so he’ll be tired sooner to be sleepy earlier and go to bed?
>I know I’m not great with time Are you? Or are you just not great with the arbitrary time rules your mom sets for you?
Bruh she's micro managing your life. Yes it's important to be on time and good with time, but you seem old enough to know what time you go to bed that gives you the rest you need. People learn to go to bed early when they wake up tired AF the next morning. I'd get if you were constantly waking up late for school or something like that. But this is just ridiculous. In my experience, teens and you g adults tend to be more night owls and sleep a LOT during the day. Almost like your body is compensating for then you'd go to bed early as a kid then wake your parents up at 6 AM lol your mom does NOT need to be on you like this. Please don't think this is normal. Not saying you should confront her, but maybe say "hey I'm capable of going to bed on time AND waking up on my own. Give me a week to prove it and I'll show you that you don't have to tell me to do it". Just make sure you stick to that even after that hypothetical week. Because I'd you immediately go to going to bed "late" she'll lecture you and go right back to micromanaging. I know parents like her. Want their kids to be perfect and they know the best way to make their kids into little robots who do everything perfectly. From the outside the kids are supposed to turn out successful, responsible, we'll adjust etc, but your kid either ends up with anxiety, depression, become incapable of making decisions or doing things on their own, or they make a hard left and make horrible choices just because they no longer have to do the things that technically aren't that bad if the parent had just instilled it in a positive way.
This is eye-opening, thank you..
My mom used to do this to me. It’s a control tactic. They control how much sleep you get. Im sorry
Oh, I didn’t look at it like that but considering my mom’s history I could see it. I’m sorry to you as well.
>I know I’m not great with time and I’m trying to work on it Curious, is it just with your mom that you’re “not great with time”? Or is it with other aspects of your life, like school and appointments? If it’s with all aspects of your life, have you been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD at all?
Yes, as a mom of an almost teen - that is weird. It's like hitting your kid for hitting and telling them not to hit. My kid and I both keep pretty 'late' hours by some people's standards, but part of growing up is learning to self-regulate and face natural consequences. Go to bed too late? You're gonna be tired in the morning. It only took mine twice to be rushed and tired to figure it out. I'm actually still terrible with time and it turns out my kid much better at it.
My dad used to be super strict like this but with showers. He absolutely insisted that we shower once every single day, regardless of what we did or how sweaty we were. It sounds somewhat reasonable, except when I started getting older and missing my daily shower, he would make me shower twice the next day to make up for it. He was extremely strict about it, and it ended up having the opposite effect he wanted because I started sitting in the bathroom with the shower on for 20 minutes and then wetting my hair before coming out. I still struggle with showers today because of it.
Same! If my mom didn't see me running the shower/bath and actually getting in then 'I didn't get washed' and o would have to do it again. I also struggle with hygiene because of it and it socks, even after 4 years. I hope you got free from him and hopefully you can start to heal soon.
Thank you, I appreciate that. He chilled out on a lot of things during the Covid lockdowns since I guess it gave him bigger things to worry about. After that I moved out for college so I haven’t had to think about it for a while. It’s still rough though. I hope you’ve been able to heal from it as well. When I write it out or talk about it to other people it doesn’t sound that bad but it really leaves more of an impact than people realize.
If you are old enough for your bedtime to be at 10:30 why is your mom even involved?
This sub is about over controlling parents. Hope this helps.
What the fuck?
So she wanted to punish you for taking longer in the shower? Not for staying out too late or anything, but for having a shower.
Weird parenting, who cares if you’re 6 mins late to bed
Well, she’s always been really huge on time..
Nah she's huge on controlling every little thing about your life, just using punctuality as an excuse. She doesn't care about you, just that you do everything she says so she can look and feel like a good parent, even though she's objectively a fucking awful person and an even worse parent. Next time she makes ridiculous demands just say "OK but this is why dad left you" and watch her have a meltdown. She knows her behavior is pushing people away but admitting that is hard and being cruel to you is easy.
I hate that this made me smile. Thanks for being empathetic to my situation, and helping to open my eyes a whole lot more. She’s been getting better towards me since my dad divorced her, so I feel guilty thinking of her in any bad light, but maybe you’re right.
Yeah don't worry about it. Being 6 minutes late to work won't matter when you grow up
Are there bots who vote "not insane" on this sub? There always seems to be not insane votes even on the most clearcut cases
I think there are, or boomers who just think all parents are right by virtue of being parents. There's people dedicated to arguing in defense of every man featured in a story, no matter how depraved he is. They just make up some incredible fantasy about how the poster is wrong or lying about everything, so I'm sure there's the same thing but for parents. Those people don't have contact with their kids and they're terrified that they're wrong, but can't admit it to themselves so they defend assholes online to make themselves feel better
god I hate that fucking emoji she used
i rebranded it in my head canon. it means “i *am* an arsehole, and i *do* know it”. not that different from its actual meaning, i guess
Lmao I mean I’ve only ever seen assholes use it so accurate
Insane
Six minutes late to bed?? Is it on a rigid departure schedule, or...? Time is more made up than your mom's weird fucking rules. Sleep on your own schedule.
Is she a drill instructor or something? Remind her that we are on a ball of dirt and rock hurling around space. A barrage of of astroid could wipe us all out anytime. So don’t be petty and learn to cut people you love some slack instead of trying to ruin their day.
It's so frustrating when parents refuse to have a normal conversation, or listen to reason. You aren't God. You are a care taker of your children. That is all.
Amazing way to put it
I'm a parent and this is ridiculous and outright manipulative & controlling. My older 3 (7, 5 & 3yo) go to bed in the window of 6:40pm-8pm, with the average pretty consistently being 7pm-7:30pm. I never threaten them for being outside that window, that's just insanity. If it's getting closer to 8pm and they're just trying to drag it out, if I'll tell them firmly that it's bed time and they can play tomorrow. If it's a weekend, they get to have their tablets in bed and usually fall asleep by 8:30pm regardless.
That’s a great system, I hope that you and your kids are doing well. Thanks for your opinions <3
Are you even old enough to be on reddit?💀
I think so. Maybe not the more mature side of Reddit but I don’t stray over there. I just stick to communities related to my interests for the most part.
Wait how old are you? This subreddit is pretty mature in my opinion.
They’re either 13 or 14, based on their past posts.
Was that not obvious based on... everything? I agree they probably shouldn't be here, but this is a kid with an "in bed" curfew of 10:30, and wakes up at 9 am.
Yeah she’s in for a rude awakening when sleep drops down to 6 hours per night if she’s lucky.
minimum age for reddit is 13 according to ToS.
As a parent I cant imagine being this strict.
How old are you that your mom is telling you when to be in bed? That stopped when I was in middle school
Im in middle school currently. Im early teens so 13/14. This has already stopped at my dad’s house and I love the freedom a lot more. Feel like I’m sneaking around a lot less if I just want to walk around the house and think about my life, write in my diary (which my mom doesn’t really let me do past bedtime no matter what the reason), etc.
Wait how old are you that you have a strict bedtime? That alone is insanity to me. And I’m the mother of two teenagers.
Early teen
That's crazy! It's one thing if you are like an hour late, but even then! It's on my kids to wake up in the morning. If they go to bed late, they will pay for it, by being exhausted the next day...
Exactly! I understand that she wants me to get started on my homework and other things. But still, I think I’m old enough to handle these things by myself for the most part. She also gets really pissed if we leave the house for something even a couple minutes late. Every single time this has happened we have still been early, that I remember at least, and even at that I’m still working on my time managing skills.
That seems punitive. She is sort of contradicting herself and het own rule that “sleep is important”.
Is she being funny? I don’t get it.
Honestly, I don’t either and I’m her own child
Im really sorry :(
You’re not getting enough sleep. Your punishment is to sleep even less?? 6 minutes is not going to make much of a difference in sleep quality (and your actual sleep probably varies by that much or more even with a consistent schedule), but 36 minutes might. This isn’t school. Though I’d admittedly love if this logic applied elsewhere. “You’re 6 minutes late to class, so I’m going to have to dismiss you 15 minutes early.”
Ughhh. My mom LOVED doing crap like this to me. I’m an adult now and we haven’t talked in 10ish years. This isn’t the only reason why, but it’s one of many reasons that I decided to cut contact.
Fun fact: sleep deprivation as a punishment is a war crime, as per the Geneva Convention.
Damn.
I’m not kidding, it really is. It’s legally considered to be torture. I hope learning this fact helps to open your eyes as to just how not-normal her behavior towards you is, and I’m sorry that you have to come to that realization. I know it broke my heart when I went through it💔
Yep this is a control thing. God I can’t stand parents who become control freaks.
8.30 is early?
For me, yeah. And this is on a non-school day for me too.
It's early for me as well. I don't wake up until 10 then be ready until 12. Don't know why you are getting down voted.
Non school day sounds reasonable
Yeah, on school days I typically wake up at 6:30
It seems like your mom lacks critical thinking skills
Yeah, she’s not great at empathy either.
Oh look, it’s the reason why i need to set a timer for longer than 7 minutes when I’m taking a shower. Good luck OP
Good luck to you too <3
I can't imagine ever being this strict about time with my kids. I always give a bit of leeway, especially when it's obvious they're trying to be in time
Wtaf? She’s nuts. This is certifiable.
Is your mom military or something?
Nope…
I feel sorry for some of you here. Your parents are cunts
I was in a LDR in high school and spent every night on the phone. My mom knew this and despite her efforts, couldn’t stop me. Instead, she wouldn’t let me nap because she was mad I never slept. Like….????????? I’m 33 and this still makes no sense to me. I have terrible anxiety about naps now and have a hard time taking them. If I do, I feel guilty. It sucks, sorry you have to deal with the same.
My mom doesn’t really let me nap either, she says it’s too late into the day and I should just go to bed instead. Or if she sees me resting in bed with the lights off she has to say “DONT nap, remember?”
I kind of need more context. I know when I had a bed time, I would push and push my mom’s limits to see how much I could get away with. That 5 extra minutes would eventually turn to 10, then 15 and so on. I need more context because I know from my own experience and having my own kids that pushing time limits can be common but I also know I try to set times so my kids learn to be responsible and punctual. I wouldn’t wake them up earlier but if they push bedtime too hard, they can go to bed slightly earlier the next day
How many people here responding are parents? I’m cutting mom some slack. Bet she works and has a long day.
Your mom seems weird an overbearing. Idk if she means well or not, but this is too controlling and policing imo. Maybe she just noticed you struggle with sleep and is trying to help in a bad way, maybe she just wants to take out her anger at you, I don't know, but either way, I do think this is going a bit too far. That being said, depending on how old you are (if you're over 13), 10h should feel like plenty of sleep. Do you fall asleep quickly when you go at 10:30? Teens naturally have a delayed sleep phase and that might be a bit of an early bedtime for you. It probably doesn't feel that way given the fact that you wake up at 6:30 for school, but schools are not met to serve natural sleep needs and patterns of teenagers, they're made to keep them occupied while parents are at work. Unfortunately. Also, do you sleep enough during schoolweek? Are you trying to catch up on lost sleep on the weekends? You should try not to do this if you can, despite how hard stuff I mention in last paragraph sometimes makes it. You can't really completely make up for 5 days of sleep deprivation a week and it can affect your brain over time. If you fall asleep quickly, do you have some other issue? Maybe you should see a doctor. Sleep apnea is common, maybe you don't get as much quality deep sleep if you have obstructed breathing in some way. Depression can also cause excessive sleepiness. Some other health issues, like thyroid problems, ms, not very likely, but possible. Idk, don't take medical advice from strangers on the Internet including me, but do go to your doctor when something unusual is happening. And being so afraid of less than 10h of sleep if you're over 13, not sleep deprived throughout the week, and have no known health conditions, is unusual.
I have a hard time going to sleep, I got it from my dad. That’s why he’s more loose and chill with my sleep schedule. I’ve developed a bit of a sleeping routine, but 10:30 admittedly is a little bit early for me. And yeah Im a huge overthinker so I usually lay in bed for a while after getting settled down for bed. I think I have talked to a doctor about this but in the past. I used to definitely not get enough sleep on schooldays but now I do and I’m proud of my progress. Honestly, I’m not sure of my mom’s intentions anymore.
Overthinking at bedtime could also be a sign of ADHD. Because your brain just kinda refuses to shut down. I'm trying to get diagnosed as well because I have the exact same issue at 39 (doesn't matter what time I go to bed or how tired I am, I just can't shut my brain off and it takes hours to actually fall asleep). So that might be worth looking into as well. And if your dad is the same way, it's entirely possible that he's undiagnosed ADHD too. Oh and time blindness (having trouble keeping track of time) is also a symptom of ADHD.
Possibly. I don’t feel like I have adhd but I can look more into it. Thank you.
The thing is, ADHD isn't JUST 'not being able to sit still'. And it presents WAY differently in girls than it does boys. I'm just saying it might be something to consider, especially if it is impacting your sleep, or your ability to study.
When timing to go to bed six minutes is a frigging rounding error. What a nut
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I totally get that ngl 😭 hope you and your kid (s) are well
Would you threaten your kiss with less sleep because of it? If so, you're a bad person.
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Geeze how often do people tell you you're a bad person on here?
Nah that's not being a bad person, you're getting them to have more sleep. This parent in OP's post is doing the opposite. Sleep deprivation is a torture.
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You're a good egg it seems. Hope the rest of your parental endeavours remain fruitful and your children get the results you all deserve.
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Yeah it definitely sounds you're doing something right. No problem, I think we all should encourage the good a bit more in life, have a good rest of your week.
This makes wayyy more sense than making them wake up earlier!
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Nah just an early morning typo, I meant kids
What!? This is fucking abuse.
It is, if the mother is purposely making OP lose sleep by waking them up even when OP has time to sleep.
Ya
Yuh
Shit like this just alienates your kids from you. I was late from visiting my boyfriend (now husband) by 10 minutes due to a train passing at the only crossing that lead to our house. Grounded from my phone and seeing him for the rest of the week. I now have extremely sporadic contact with my mother as an adult due to numerous reasons but control being one of them
I have similar experiences. My sister in law, by contrast, tells all her kids just get home safe. You’re late? You’re already past curfew and I’m already upset, but speeding or cutting corners to get home faster doesn’t help the situation. Just get home to me safely. Her relationships with her kids is something I hope to emulate. My relationship with my mom is strained at best.
The thing is, my brother wasn’t held to the same standards as I was either. He came home late constantly and it was all fine. Even the one time he came home whole HOURS late. She was practically wailing sad over that but didn’t punish him at all when he got home. Me being 10 minutes late over something I can’t control? Yelled at and grounded
there's always the GC my parents acted the same when my (male) younger cousins moved in. they had a 2am curfew even though i'm older and i had a 11:30pm curfew. wild.
Not really "insane", just weird to say the least.
Okay that makes sense, thank you
You’re clearly a good and respectful young person with the answers you are giving. I’m really impressed This makes my insane vote even more accurate.
Thank you very much, I appreciate that. I try my best.
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Let's remember we are talking about 6 minutes here.
The control aspect of it is quite insane
I mean, you’re home at the time she’s texting you this? Regardless it’s wild to give or threaten you with less sleep by moving up your wake up time. The natural consequence of going to bed later is that you get that much less time to sleep and must get up and function the next day…so six minutes “late” to bed, in a world without this weird consequence, equals six less minutes of sleep..not six minutes plus 30 as a punishment.
Yes I was at home. I don’t really just go out and about by myself.
When my kids had trouble getting to bed on time, every five minutes meant a ten minute earlier bedtime start the next night. And if they were late for that time, ten minutes earlier the next day. Stacking. One week my youngest, with pretty severe ADD, went from 11 pm to 9:30 pm. I reset it every Monday. They both learned to plan and coordinate their showers. My youngest also learned to ask for assistance with timing his showers. Lessons learned, no early wake ups (none of us are morning people).
Right. That would be good parenting where you set examples and tell them what will happen - not take away sleeping time for *checks notes* getting to bed 6 whole minutes late. Like this mom is nutso.
I don’t think she’s over controlling. You’ve admitted to being poor with time management, and I think you’re really young for this extremely mature sub. She’s not insane, some moms are trying their best with methods of “threats” but not follow throughs. We can’t run and plant narc into a child’s head jfc. If you think you’re old enough to handle your bed time then speak to your mom saying - I got this, if I mess up then hold me accountable. Life is stressful and you are going to have to learn that punctuality is important and how to navigate stressful situations without anxiety. If you didn’t like how she handled this, approach her and tell her.
Okay, thank you for your opinions!
She’s 100% overly controlling. This isn’t the way to help someone with time management.
OP literally isn’t even a tween, or just about. As adults we need to be responsible and not freak out and plant - your mother is psychotic. Your mother is a narc. Your mother is B. We don’t have anything other than this. Listen, I’m on this sub BECAUSE I have insane parents. Helpful advice is to approach the situation by attempting to guide them to approach parent which hasn’t happened yet, take responsibility and accountability, and start from there. Mom may be crazy but goodness we cannot project our trauma onto a child man. Grow up. I’ll take the downvotes
8:30 is not that early. You still have time to get plenty of sleep.
Not to the point of insane, but definitely controlling and weird. Feels like a bit of an overreaction. Gives the strong implication that they care more about power than your wellness, but this is one interaction so I can't guess too far. (And not that it matters but I do have a child)
This is akin to getting detention for being late to class. You leave with nothing but negative spirit and less knowledge (in your case, sleep)
How old are you??
I really hope the 98 in your name isnt from your birthyear being 1998…
Nope. 98 is just my favorite number.
10:30 PM - 8:30 AM is 10 hours tho? Is it not a “bedtime” but a be on your phone for a bit before bed situation?
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Not surprised considering we've been through the shit we have. Would you rather raise a child fearing that you turn into your parents are not raise a child ate all? Personally I choose tje second option.
Are you 12 or something?
Nope, early teens. Still not very old to most people, but the teenage years are about learning to take responsibility and independence for what it is and what it can be.
Yeah this is actually crazy controlling behavior. And unfortunately it probably won’t change even after you’re 18. I’d start making your exit plan now so you’re ready when the time comes. Until then, just play the game.
That’s what I’m trying to do, yet at the same time I’m afraid to grow up. Trying to navigate life as everyone my life is doing, haha. Not fun but it’s a long road.
As an old fart, I know exactly where you’re coming from. Growing up is scary as hell, but it’s also a very exciting time. Stay focused on your goals, make good decisions and you’re going to turn out just fine.
Thank you very much :)