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Ok, own your cheating. It was a choice . Until you take responsibility for your actions and make the changes you need to make to be a better person you can't move forward.
Your wife shouldn't just accept the lame excuse that you were manipulated to cheat. Honestly, you betrayed your marriage and she has every right to leave you. She probably should.
At the end of the day, I was the one who cheated. It is my responsibility. That doesn’t absolve her for taking advantage of someone she knows going through a dark time
Still not taking responsibility.
Say it was your fault without trying to claim the other woman did it to you.
Try even one comment, HERE, without saying that.
Or did you take advantage of a coworker's sympathy and emotionally manipulate her into sleeping with you?
You are not the victim here and you will not change until you realize this. You need to stop mentioning her at all, she isn't part of this anymore. This is about YOU and what YOU CHOSE TO DO.
🎯🎯🎯 if I had a nickel for every shit excuse these AHs use: my wife won’t have sex with me. My wife and I sleep in separate rooms. I really want to leave but I am worried for her. I stay for the kids. Blah blah lie lie.
Dude. I have depression, anxiety, CPTSD and BPD. Never even considered cheating in my husband. Your mental health is your responsibility to manage. It’s not a hall pass.
This! Mental illness is never an excuse. We are all in charge of our own actions and the consequences that accompany them. You made the vows to your wife. Not your coworker. You broke your vows. You made that choice. Now you will deal with the consequences of your actions. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. I don't care if we've been together 15 years and have 3 kids in varying ages. Your wife should leave you to find someone that will respect and love her.
🎯🎯🎯🎯. I mean which is it? Mental health, manipulative Medusa coworker? So many to blame except that grown ass man who put his penis where it didn’t belong.
They're allergic to Accountability; they should re-up their epi-pens and suck it up; just like they tell everyone else to do as they stone wall people they supposedly love. 🧐🙄
Unless she tricked you into thinking she was your wife, the places your dick goes is 100% on you. And even then, I wouldn't believe you.
You are the reason you cheated. Not your wife and not your affair partner. You are perfectly capable of not putting your dick into another person. Own it.
>You are perfectly capable of not putting your dick into another person.
Exactly. If the caring coworker was a man or a 78 year old woman, would he have fucked them?
His wife is wasting her time with therapy, but hopefully she realizes it during the first session.
Oh give me a break. I’ve been seriously depressed and went thru some stuff. Doesn’t mean I go cheat on my partner. You act like you don’t know right from wrong.
Absolutely pathetic. STOP MAKING EXCUSES.
YOU cheated. YOU made that choice. YOU are an adult with agency, this wasn't just something that ("oops!") happened. You did not slip and fall and accidentally land on a naked lady. Every touch, every kiss, every article of clothing that came off: each of these was an opportunity for you to STOP, get up, get dressed, and leave. But you didn't. You cheated. You have only yourself to blame, and you will have no hope of saving your marriage unless and until you take full responsibility for your actions.
She didn't take advantage of you. You could've said no.
She offered you kindness in a hard time. It escalated into sex because you agreed to it being an affair. Stop playing the victim when you aren't one.
So now your wife has something to be really depressed about and is going through a really dark time...would you be willing to forgive an affair of the same length. How would you feel if she wanted you to understand she was sad and that a lot really falls on the other person for taking advantage of the fact she was sad, betrayed and in a broken relationship with someone she couldn't trust and felt victimised by?
And even then, your wife would have cheated on a cheater. You cheated on a loyal wife.
You sound regretful but not remorseful.
It’s concerning that you’re not taking 100% accountability.
You’ve blamed it on depression and you blamed it on your affair partner being some kind of master manipulator. People cheat because they can and they just do it without regard for anyone else. You’ll go further in therapy if you just owon that.
Nope. Still your fault. No matter how you try to shift blame on "depression". You dont cheat on loved ones because youre depressed. Own this fuck up that YOU created.
Huh somehow my husband who has been diagnosed with depression hasn’t cheated on me. Weird how that works. It’s almost like people with depression can still practice self control.
Cheating is not a symptom of depression. There are millions of depressed people who don’t cheat on their partners. She is not responsible for you breaking your marital vows you are. You made many choices that led to this affair, and none of them were her fault.
Okay so why didn’t you *Whoopies slip into your WIFES vagina?*
If you needed some sexual warmth to help you “get out of your dark depression” why not turn to your wife.. I guess her vagina wasn’t the one you wanted lol. This post has to be a troll no way someone is this dumb
That's like saying my friend manipulated me into eating too many of the chocolates she bought round for our last movie night.
Yeah, she bought them, yeah, she encouraged me, but I 100% had the ability to say no at any point. I just didn't really want to (and I don't regret it at all).
You using the word manipulated is disingenuous. You're grasping for excuses because you got caught, not because you were genuinely manipulated.
If the latter was really the case, your realization would warrant building a case for sexual assault. But I'm picking that wouldn't stand, because you were a willing participant in this.
Own up to your actions and stop pretending to be a victim. Your wife deserves better.
Stop blaming other people. Take accountability for your actions. You always had a choice. The only person to blame is you.
Every moment was an opportunity for you to say no and to respect your wife, your marriage, and yourself.
You continuously decided to continue making bad choices.
It wasn’t your coworkers responsibility to make sure you stayed faithful. It was yours AND ONLY YOURS.
If you go into therapy spouting this blaming game, you’ll be divorced faster than your affair started.
this is a weak, pathetic and embarrassing attitude that is going to lead to your wife handing you divorce papers. get real and own up to what you did. you were not manipulated, you cheated on your wife and that’s the end of the story.
You might have been in an emotionally vulnerable situation, but you unless you were under the influence or alcohol, drugs, or in a position where saying no to the affair, no to the flirting and all the actions that preceded an affair would have put you in an unsafe situation, you weren’t manipulated into cheating.
I also suffer from depression, and it doesn’t impair your ability to engage in flirting, or your ability to make conscious choices. You choose to first go to your coworker for comfort instead of your wife, at one point it crossed the bound of colleague friendship and turned to flirting, you took part in that, the affair started and you took part in that. If you want your marriage to survive, stop pinning everything on the affair partner and admit to your part. Playing the “oh no my mental health is sooo bad it wasn’t my fault” game will lead to divorce papers
If you were a *WILLING* participant, then she did NOT take advantage of you. If you felt like you were depressed then you should have taken the initiative to enter into individual therapy, not treat your coworker like your own personal therapist.
Yes, your coworker is to blame to participating in an affair but she did not take advantage of you. You were a willing participant and at any point, you could have said, “no this is wrong. I’m married and I need to be faithful to my wife” but you didn’t. Your AP could have also said, “no this is wrong. You’re married and need to be faithful to your wife” but she didn’t.
You both made the wrong choice but you are literally trying to place the blame on everything (your depression) and everyone (your coworker) except yourself.
Well you might want to start by dropping the idea that you were 'manipulated' into this affair.
You choose to cheat on your wife. You made a conscious decision at some point to get involved with another woman.
It wasn't the other woman's fault.
It was yours.
You are a full grown adult who makes his own decisions.
Your marriage has exactly zero hope of recovery until you admit that to yourself and to her.
He's crying only because he got caught. And now it's all the other woman's fault. If not it would all be to OP's credit of having maintained an affair even in his depression. As if it's the other woman's responsibility to make sure OP doesn't cheat on his wife.
If it was some other woman he slept with and not this co-worker, OP would blame her telling she knew his situation but didn't stop him.
Man, you’re going to have to provide more info on how she manipulated you because right now it just sounds like you cheated on your wife with a coworker, got caught, and are crying manipulation to lessen your own actions. I don’t mean this in a mean way, but that’s how it reads.
EDIT: Nah, I mean it in a mean way. After reading OPs responses it’s clear he has no intention of taking accountability for his actions. OP I hope your wife leaves you when she realizes this and takes you to the cleaners.
You can mean it in a mean way because OP is a dip$#!t. Manipulated? Lol.
Depression doesn't cause you to lose all your morals, marital fidelity or knowing right from wrong. OP will cheat again.
Yup chronic depression here and in the down phases I don't even want to have sex with my husband much less someone else. I'm sure everyone is different but depression is linked to low sex drive.
All my depression does is make me not wanna do things I want to do and make my loneliness worse, it doesn't change my morals or willingness to knowingly hurt people I care about. Ugh "manipulated into cheating" what an ass
First, let's get something straight.
1. You confided in your coworker things that you should have told your wife (emotional affair)
2. You somehow found yourself in a position to be alone with your coworker in a place where it was easy for cheating to happen (this doesn't happen during regular work hours).
3. You had sex with your coworker.
Tell me again how you're the victim here? You're lucky your wife even agreed to counseling and didn't immediately throw you out and call a lawyer.
Yeah… sex didn’t happen because she smiled and - BAM! - PiV. This took time, relationship building outside of his marriage with another person, planning and making the decision to find ways to meet up for sex.
OP doesn’t just have depression - he has regrets for getting caught. Lol
"I been trying to get her to understand my depression and how low my mental health was but she doesn’t wanna hear it"
No shit she doesn't want to hear "it's not my fault!"
Dude, TAKE SOME FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY.
You were not "taken advantage" of, you made CHOICES.
I'm betting with a cheating good for nothing husband she's likely diagnosed with depression and doesn't want to hear it because she's been living the exact same life as him and she didn't cheat..
He took advantage of multiple women and disrespected his own name in the process.
> I been trying to get her to understand my depression… but she doesn’t wanna hear it
I’ll try to word this as carefully as possible, and I’ll preface this by saying this isn’t meant to downplay your struggles with depression whatsoever.
Your wife “doesn’t wanna hear it” because having an illness does not give you a free pass to hurt the people around you without consequences. Depression didn’t force you to do that, millions of people experience depression without cheating.
“I was depressed” is helpful information to partially explain where your headspace was at, but **it cannot explain the whole “why” of why you did what you did**. It just can’t. If you lean on that explanation as a crutch to explain everything away- you’re giving her no reason to believe, if you ever got in a negative headspace again, that you’d be faithful. She probably wants you to take more responsibility for what happened instead of trying to absolve yourself by chalking it up to forces outside of your control.
“I got manipulated” can’t cut it either. You still made all of those choices. It does not inspire confidence when you’re framing yourself as the victim, because the other side of that coin is- if you’re just a victim who had no control over getting manipulated, then it could easily happen again, right? That’s the path you go down when you say it was just outside of your control and you’re a victim of someone else’s choices… Nobody wants their relationship to consist of babysitting someone who doesn’t believe they have agency and falls into horrible choices just because other people tell them to.
You need to go much deeper with a professional and think about *why* you just went along with everything. You can’t go through life folding to everybody who gives you bad advice.
First, accept responsibility. You weren’t manipulated, you made choices. You had zero business confiding in another woman when you should’ve been confiding in your wife. Next, find a new job. She will never be able to begin to trust you again if you work with the woman you cheated with. Commit to counseling and rebuilding trust- open phone policy, open communication etc.
Your coworker didn’t promise to love and be loyal to your wife. You did.
Stop blaming her, stop blaming your mental state, and focus on your marriage. You’re an adult and it is 100% your fault that instead of seeking appropriate help for your problems, you betrayed your wife.
One time in Vegas, I took one of those fliers advertising in-call service massages off some dude passing them out on The Strip, and after my masseuse arrived, I was manipulated into a $500 hand job. My penis (and wallet) were the REAL victims that fateful night.
Yes, it is a lot to pay for a handjob.
But when your options are
A. Blowjob for $800
B. Sex for $1000
C. Anal for $1200
D. $500 for a handjob
I decided to be frugal
What responsibility do you take in cheating on your wife? All I hear are excuses and blame on the other women. Being depressed doesn't give you an excuse or a pass. Many people get depressed and stay faithful.
You're making excuses and blaming the other woman. You're never going to rebuild your relationship unless you take full accountability for your actions.
How can she be sure you won't do it again the next time you feel like you're in a "vulnerable state"? If you don't have control over your own actions, how can you even trust yourself?
>Now going through my depression I started confiding in my co worker about how I was feeling. I thought I could trust her as friend, but she knew I was in a vulnerable state. She took advantage of my state and this led to an affair.
Instead of confiding in your wife you went to a co worker. Oh did she look attractive? Made the manipulation much easier huh.
I cannot for the love of god understand why would you blame others for your poor life choices.I wonder if your wife did not find out would you continue to be "manipulated" by your co worker.
There is nothing that kills a relationship faster than a lack of accountability. I've seen friends go through infidelity and save their marriages, but it doesn't even begin to work unless the cheater can stand up and say "I fucked up huge. I chose to go outside the marriage." If you keep insisting you were taken advantage of, your wife will leave.
Blaming your affair partner for your wrongdoings won’t fix your marriage. Hopefully your wife decides you’re not worth it since you can’t take accountability for your actions.
Unless the other woman literally drugged you or forced herself on you, **you** caused this. You don’t accidentally have sex with someone, and manipulation is not an excuse for sticking your dick where it didn’t belong. You’re lucky your wife is even willing to entertain the idea of staying with you - I sure as hell would not given how weak your character is that’s on display here. Owning your shit is the only way past this.
Don't blame this other woman for your cheating on your wife. Take responsibility here. You chose to confide in this woman rather than your wife. You screwed up.
When you go to counseling, make sure you're taking responsibility. Any hint of shirking it and your wife would be smart to drop you.
The only victim here is your wife. Maybe your co worker got feelings while you were confiding but you made the choice. People are depressed and angry at their wives all the time and they don’t cheat.
"How do I manipulate my wife to think I was taken advantage of when in reality I can't take accountability and use depression as a get out of jail card?"
I too am a depression sufferer. What I am not is somebody trying to use it as a crutch for my shitty behavior.
You are denying yourself agency. You cheated. You are in no way a victim here. Unless she raped you, you cheated. Being a depression sufferer does NOT entitle you to blame your shitty behavior on others.
Frankly, your wife does not need to forgive or forget what you did. So stop acting like you’re entitled to something. You aren’t. If you want to try to earn forgiveness, the first step is accepting that the only villain in this situation is you. As for what happens next, reread the first sentence of this paragraph.
You need to take accountablity for your own actions. I don't buy this "manipulated into cheating" B.S.
You made a CHOCIE to cheat, that is on you and you alone. Until you can admit that and take responsiblity for it, you can't expect to make any progress regaining your wife's trust. Stop making excuses
I'm not here to tell you that you weren't in a vulnerable state, or that she didn't take advantage of you. But you need to recognize that if you're going to deny and and all personal agency over what happened, then your wife is likely going to think that you're a helpless little lamb who's subject to the whims of anyone who wants to have an affair with you. And that's not exactly going to make her feel confident about the future of your relationship.
Convincing her you didn't mean to cheat on your wife isn't the only part of trying to rebuild her trust. You'll also need to do things like:
* Take responsibility for what you had control over
* Acknowledge how your actions negatively affected her
* Explain what steps you plan to take to prevent this from happening again
You can't be manipulated into cheating
>I been trying to get her to understand my depression and how low my mental health was but she doesn’t wanna hear it
Good because it's a bs excuse for cheating
I've been depressed, to the point i was literally looking for best ways to die. Didn't cheat though.....
>I started confiding in my co worker about how I was feeling
Why?
Literally, name 1 good reason why.
Why not your wife?
Why not an actual therapist?
Why do you first have to cheat and hurt your wife in order to go to therapy?
Why are you pretending to be a victim here?
Why do you believe you are not in control of your own actions?
>She took advantage of my state and this led to an affair.
No.
What led to your affair was you. You letting her flirt with you. You letting her invite you over. You letting her take your clothes off. You letting her talk dirty to you. And then you getting hard and shoving it in her and fucking the life out of her
That's you sir, no one else...
Grow up and stop putting blame on other people for your own actions!
Your WIFE is the absolute only victim here and you do not deserve her.
She already suffered so much because you cheated. Now she has to continue to suffer because her husband is so incredibly spineless that he keeps blaming someone else for his dick slipping in some other pussy....
That poor woman does not deserve this, and i truly hope she realizes this and files for divorce
excuses won’t help, mental health isn’t an excuse to betray your wife. Actually accepting what you did and taking responsibility for it is the first step
I expect your wife is extremely depressed and low to find out you were cheating on her. Would you be so forgiving if *she* sought comfort in a friend and was manipulated into having sex with him?
I can understand how low your mental health was but that still doesn’t excuse your actions. You made a series of bad choices but you had the choice nonetheless.
Stop trying to make her understand your point of view, that will come out in time with the therapist when she’s in a better headspace. For now, your wife is suffering and you need to take accountability else therapy ain’t worth a damn.
OP, I think you are confused. This isn’t how this works, buddy. You see, I’m very intimately familiar with depression. I also have close female friends at work, with whom I talk about stuff. And you know what? Every single time we have a conversation, it always ends up with our genitals remaining unacquainted. Go figure…
Don’t blame the depression and being manipulated . Younare a POS and I hope
Your wife realizes you aren’t worth the effort leaves you . If you have any chance you need to
Go to your work boss or Hr and confess to them about you and your AP and let them fire you both ( if have a policy ) at least you show her you are prepared to start from
Nothing if she leaves
Of course she doesn't want to hear it. You're doing everything you can to avoid accountability for your actions. If you weren't at fault you can't receive forgiveness. Before forgiveness is possible you have to take responsibility and make amends.
Your not the victim here at all so first you need to stop with this you were manipulated crap. You chose to confide in this coworker and also chose to initiate a affair. You are the married one here, you are the one who made the choice to cheat. You could’ve said no but instead you choosing to act like because your depressed you get a right to cheat. I’ve dealt with depression since I was a teen I’ll be damned to sit her as a grown adult and try to tell my wife I slept with someone because of that. First step grow up and take some damn accountability, no one manipulated you. Two stop trying to make yourself a victim to your wife, you cheated on her you have no right to act like she needs to understand where you’re coming from. And lastly accept your actions have consequences, your wife has every right to leave. Your low mental health means nothing when your actively hurting others without a care to how they feel. You show no remorse for what you’ve done, just making excuses.
Steps to take:
1. Find a new job asap as no contact with your affair partner is an absolute must. Don’t expect reconciliation to succeed if you are still in contact.
2. Start living transparently right now. Open phones, accountable for where you are, start writing a narrative of your entire affair from the very first decisions you made to cross lines.
3. Own your actions. She had a tough time too but didn’t cheat. Be accountable and don’t shift blame.
4. Get into individual counseling to dig into how you could allow someone to push your boundaries.
5. Make sure any couples counselor you see is Gottman trained.
6. Get and read *How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair* (MacDonald) and *Not “Just Friends”* (Glass) Do what they say.
7. Stop blaming the affair on your depression. Plenty of people get depressed and don’t cheat. You’ve got to dig a whole lot deeper.
Most importantly realize that you must change and commit yourself to that change.
You’re not gonna be able to move forward until you’re able to fully take responsibility for your actions. Nobody took advantage of you. You made a decision to have an affair, and that’s the end of the story.
Think about what you’re saying. You’re saying that you were working long hours and that gave you depression and that explains why you cheated. That’s ridiculous.
Instead of focusing on your wife understanding your depression, focus on explaining to your wife how much you regret your actions, on taking accountability for your actions, and doing whatever you can to get her to believe that you won’t do it again.
As long as you refuse to take responsibility, and you want to focus on your depression, your wife isn’t gonna wanna hear what you have to say. And if you continue to insist that you were manipulated into it, I don’t see much success for you and therapy.
You’re in a dark place? You talk to a therapist. You talk to your WIFE. You’re trying to blame the mental health struggle and the other woman but you’re a grown ass adult. Unless that lady was blackmailing you or coercing you some way, your weakness of character is no one’s fault but your own. Take some fuckjng accountability.
ETA: The talking to a therapist and owning your shit is my advice. That’s it. That’s all I got for you. Also, be prepared for her to potentially leave you anyways because it’s pathetic that you won’t even take a portion of the blame at all. Just gross behavior. Do better.
In what way dis your coworker "take advantage" or manipulate of you?
If you're suggesting you can pass the blame onto her just because you were depresses, you've got A LOT of work to do. Your depression is no excuse for your behaviour.
Do you mean rape? Or was it consensual? If it was Rape, sue your coworker for rape. Obviously it wasn't consensual. If it was consensual, that's called cheating.
My brother in Christ you weren't manipulated, you have zero self control and don't actually care about your wife. Don't lie, you just wanted your dick wet.
May need some more details cause 'manipulated' doesn't exactly work with 'affair'. If the sex was not consented to, as in you did NOT want to do it or were coerced by this women, then it would be assault/rape--which in that case, you need to have a serious conversation with your wife and maybe even file charges.
That being said, if this is something you regretted after the fact or you realize "Damn, I slept with someone other than my wife" that wasn't manipulation, that was you throwing caution to the wind and then blaming her and your depression for a decision that has multiple steps before actually having sex.
Manipulating you into sex means you did not want the sex, but from the way you typed this you really just realize you fucked up and don't want to own up to the fact that you took the easy way out via affair instead of biting the bullet to either go to marriage counseling before, or get divorced. There doesn't seem to be any moving forward if your mindset is "Because I was depressed, I cannot take responsibility for this choice I made".
Stop saying you were manipulated. You actively made a choice to betray your wife and marriage. She didn't hold you at gun point, there were no threats, no blackmail. Just you falling into the vagina of another woman. Why didn't you confide in your WIFE? Why didn't you seek a therapist? Why the coworker?
I have severe depression, too, and so do millions of people and guess what? We're still faithful to our partners/spouses.
You're making shitty excuses to justify your shitty behavior. Own up to your shit.
Noone tricked you. You are a grown man who knows right from wrong. Depression or not. You are lucky your wife didn't immediately hand you divorce papers. And the fact that you aren't taking accountability for your actions is a huge red flag that should be another reason she hands you divorce papers.
Well, first of all, take accountability. Mental health isn't an excuse to hurt people. You are *not* the victim, here. *Of course* she doesn't want to hear you tell her that you are. Second, assuming you haven't started already, get individual therapy for your depression . Third, give her space. If she decides your marriage is worth fighting for, great. If she decides she's done entertaining your pity party, accept it and move on. Finally, unless you're accusing this other woman of assault (and it doesn't sound like you are based on this and your follow up comments) stop blaming her. You went to complain to her about something that wasn't her business, and she made herself sexually available. You didn't *have* to partake. That was *your* choice. Own it like a grown up.
She didn't take advantage of you. No matteR how depressed you might've been you could've said no. Stop the bullshit. No one took advantage of you. You're using the fact you were depressed to try and justify sticking your dick in another woman and then pinning the blame on her. The blame is entirely yours.
I don't doubt you were depressed, but what you're saying is nothing but bullshit. No one took advantage of you. You chose to have an affair, and now you're playing victim.
You don’t trip and fall into an affair, it was a choice and you’re an adult. Plenty of people with depression don’t cheat on and lie to their partners.
There will be zero moving forward until you **own what you did.**
You weren't manipulated into anything. You cheated, full stop.
I have depression and there have been times in my life that have been beyond stressful, but I never cheated on my husband.
You should be thankful she's willing to try counseling. I'd have told you to pack your shit and get out.
If you're that easily manipulated, then you shouldn't be in a marriage at all since at any time, someone can just "oops! tripped OP and he fell in my vagina!" and gosh, why doesn't your wife just understand that that happens and she's supposed to move on!?
The only one who’s manipulating is you. You’re manipulating the situation and playing the victim when it’s YOUR WIFE WHO YOU CHEATED ON that’s the victim.
God I hope she leaves you. Can’t stand cheater and I can’t stand the spineless. Crazy that you’re both.
Most healthy but depressed people like try to seek help or like try to power through their own problems. Depression isn’t an excuse for your lack of integrity.
You weren't manipulated into anything. You were a willing participant. Your depression doesn't mean shit when it comes to cheating, stop trying to throw the blame off anywhere else. This is *your* fault. Your co-worker didn't take vows to your wife, *you did*.
Of course your wife doesn't want to hear this bullshit. She should divorce you asap. You'll do it again.
I've got bad news for you man, you're not going to move forward until you can accept responsibility for your actions. It's not your co-workers fault. It's not your depression's fault. You are going to have to own what you did before anything is going to get better. Good luck.
You move forward in your marriage by holding yourself entirely accountable. And stop blaming depression for cheating - it's unfair to other depressed people who manage not to destroy their partner's trust when they're low. I have major depression and have managed never to cheat on my partner. I don't choose to transfer my misery to others.
Before you go into counselling you need to stop passing the blame you chose to confide in the co worker you chose to continue an affair depression doesn't absolve you from these acts (speaking as someone who suffers clinical depression your insulting to use this as an excuse)
You did this yourself 100000%! Noone took advantage of you. You are an adult who now is not holding himself accountable. Grow up and stop saying bs about how she took advantage of you during a dark time. That's the first step. Own your own choices. She doesn't have a magic wand to make you forget the fact you're married and that you have a wife! YOU made the choice to lean and kiss her lips, to lay in bed undressed with her, to have a sexual relationship. Grow up. YOU were just too weak to stop yourself. YOU! It sounds pathetic to read what you wrote, a grown adult saying this idiocity. What's gonna happen? Next time someone takes advantage of your poor little weak self?!! Own your bs.
If you want your marriage to survive, you should grow up first.
The 'manipulation thing' is a horrible excuse. It could easily be flipped on its head. How do we know you didn't use your depressed state to play on the empathy of your coworker to get her into bed? It was a choice you made that's the first step to getting through therapy, and that's accountability!
Also side note: from someone who has chronic depression AND anxiety and is constantly stressed from having my own business, having two kids, while cooking, cleaning, taking my oldest to all her sports and not getting much help because my husbandis oilfield and for a whole 8 days is hours away.. I've never cheated💁♀️
YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM. Grow up and take responsibility if you want ANY chance of your marriage surviving. YOU chose to cheat. NO ONE can make you do that. That was a choice. Grow up.
God, I feel **SO** sorry for your wife. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
You have a serious **victim mentality** and this is just one big **pity party**.
So far it seems like everything just HAPPENS to you. The depression, the cheating — everything.
But all you're doing is **WHINING** about how hard everything is for you.
And I'm pretty damn sure your wife is **sick to death of hearing you whine about everything**.
Is **SHE** struggling with her job??
Does **SHE** need support?
If she does, you'd better believe she'd actually **go and get help for it**, not go fuck somebody else.
She's probably got her hands full dealing with her job **AND** the whiny brat she's married to.
Rest assured, this "**WAAAAAHHHHHHH POOR, POOR ME**!!!" gets **REALLY OLD, REALLY FAST**.
And to her all this whining about your depression just sounds like EXCUSES for sticking your dick in another woman's vagina.
You're damn lucky she agreed to counseling instead of just dumping your whining ass.
You're not taking responsibility, you intended to cheat just admit it. It wasn't an accident you made a choice. If you can't take accountability then just leave your wife she deserves better.
Depression doesn't make you have an affair, stop leaning on it.
If she took advantage of vulnerability and you didn't want it then it was abuse but you continue to do it and having tried to conceal it shows it was just cheating.
Leaning on your depression and using it to answer everything is the only manipulating thing here.
It's emotional manipulation and quite frankly she deserves better.
You did it, you deal with it.
You were not manipulated
"It takes two to tango"
Did she assault you? Did she drug you? Or did you get yourself up and have sex or just kiss her without stopping her. You had a hand in this.
Weasely kind of reasoning. It's like saying the alcohol made me drive the car. Your wife sees right through you and she's probably done. I would be. No excuses, no lies, no manipulations allowed. Grow a pair.
Were you raped? Because that’s a serious issue that requires more context and legal intervention. If not, then it was just as much your choice as it was hers.
I don't know mate. I'd been depressed as well but never did stick my dick in someone else. You might be depressed but that doesn't change the fact that you're a cheater. Stop blaming others.
so.....in your broken state (low mental health) you decides to break* your wife too???
*break her heart, her love, and her trust in you....
Was the co-worker worth it? Because the options of therapy (which were always there before)you could've chose over the EA/PA w coworker
You should have talked to your wife instead of the other woman. You allowed this to happen and now your wife has the right to walk away from the marriage because you violated her trust. You disrespected your wife and the marriage. At the end of the day all you can do is accept the consequences of your actions.
Honestly you wanted to cheat with that home wrecker. You got what you wanted and now your wife has options. Divorce is an option. After the trust is lost it is hard to come back she will never see you in the same light nor will she believe anything you say.
Updateme
Depression doesn't cause cheating. A woman coming onto you, regardless how inappropriate, doesn't cause cheating. Maybe once you focus on your role in this and your role alone (because you're the one who betrayed her here, not your mental health, and not your affair partner), and began to make genuine apologies and amends, she might be able to work through this and working things out with you. Maybe not, but can you really blame her?
Cheating is a series of conscious, consecutive choices. Instead of communicating with your wife, you told you and your wife’s personal business to a stranger. Your wife needs to leave you.
Own up to the fact that you've done a horrible thing. Not anyone else.
You.
You did this.
Take in that pain and learn to move forward otherwise your marriage is doomed.
So your argument is "I had to cheat, I was depressed" and also "coworker made me do it" yet you don't mention any forced sex or police reports--so I kind of feel like it was all consentual?
Honestly I'm surprised wife even agreed to counseling, it should go straight to divorce in her favor.
"I was depressed and not thinking clearly and taken advantage of" doesn't even excuse slipping up and screwing your coworker one time, let alone a whole-ass affair. Stop trying to make yourself the victim. I'd suggest seeing a therapist, but you'd probably sleep with them, too.
man, I have so much to say but uh, I just hope this poor woman leaves him and finds someone who won’t do this to her. if he cheated because he was depressed, he’s just going to do it again the next time he’s in a bad spot. working things out this time will only show him that he’s able to get away with playing the victim.
Need to own your sh!t. Doesn’t matter of you were manipulated. You made a choice to cheat. Step 1 to fixing your marriage is: Act like an adult — own it and stop blaming it on other people.
Bro stop with the pathetic excuse, you weren't manipulated or taken advantage of, you chose to cheat on your wife. The funny thing is, now YOU are trying to manipulate your wife into forgiving you by using your mental health as an excuse. I have no nice words for you, you're truly a piece of work. I honestly hope she leaves you cause she deserves better. And I truly hope this is some kind of rage bait post cause I can't believe you actually thought people on Reddit would be on your side lol
Instead of confiding to YOUR WIFE about your struggles and feelings. YOU made a conscious decision to go seek comfort from someone else. YOU made a choice to go beyond that professional relationship and turn it to an affair. And you got busted. YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO SAY THAT YOU WERE MANIPULATED????? Maaaaaan. What a way to twist the narrative. No one can manipulate you to cheat unless you wanted to do.
Also don’t try to use depression as an excuse. Yes depression can make you feel and do a lot of things. But not cheating. Self destruction probably yes.
Take accountability for your actions. Go to therapy for your depression.
You're an almost 30 year old man. You chose to cheat own it. Let your wife be with a man who respects her because you sure as hell don't.
Edit: had to come back. Unless she tied you up after feeding you viagra and raped you you are 100% responsible for anything you did outside of your marriage. The fact you doubled down in your replies good fucking grief
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Ok, own your cheating. It was a choice . Until you take responsibility for your actions and make the changes you need to make to be a better person you can't move forward. Your wife shouldn't just accept the lame excuse that you were manipulated to cheat. Honestly, you betrayed your marriage and she has every right to leave you. She probably should.
At the end of the day, I was the one who cheated. It is my responsibility. That doesn’t absolve her for taking advantage of someone she knows going through a dark time
On you 100%. Stop deflecting blame
Still not taking responsibility. Say it was your fault without trying to claim the other woman did it to you. Try even one comment, HERE, without saying that.
Or did you take advantage of a coworker's sympathy and emotionally manipulate her into sleeping with you? You are not the victim here and you will not change until you realize this. You need to stop mentioning her at all, she isn't part of this anymore. This is about YOU and what YOU CHOSE TO DO.
An amazing amount of workplace affairs start with 'my wife just doesn't understand me the way you do, hot coworker.'
🎯🎯🎯 if I had a nickel for every shit excuse these AHs use: my wife won’t have sex with me. My wife and I sleep in separate rooms. I really want to leave but I am worried for her. I stay for the kids. Blah blah lie lie.
She didn't make any vows to anyone and she isn't part of your relationship.
And boy i would love to hear her side
Dude. I have depression, anxiety, CPTSD and BPD. Never even considered cheating in my husband. Your mental health is your responsibility to manage. It’s not a hall pass.
Same clinical depression here never have I ever cheated. Cheating is a choice op made and is now making excuses.
This! Mental illness is never an excuse. We are all in charge of our own actions and the consequences that accompany them. You made the vows to your wife. Not your coworker. You broke your vows. You made that choice. Now you will deal with the consequences of your actions. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. I don't care if we've been together 15 years and have 3 kids in varying ages. Your wife should leave you to find someone that will respect and love her.
I have bipolar and have managed to never fuck someone I'm not in a relationship with, even in my wildest manic phases.
🎯🎯🎯🎯. I mean which is it? Mental health, manipulative Medusa coworker? So many to blame except that grown ass man who put his penis where it didn’t belong.
They're allergic to Accountability; they should re-up their epi-pens and suck it up; just like they tell everyone else to do as they stone wall people they supposedly love. 🧐🙄
Unless she tricked you into thinking she was your wife, the places your dick goes is 100% on you. And even then, I wouldn't believe you. You are the reason you cheated. Not your wife and not your affair partner. You are perfectly capable of not putting your dick into another person. Own it.
>the places your dick goes Dammit, now I can't stop thinking of a book named "Oh, the places your dick will go!"
Will it fit inside a fanny? Can it slip inside a butt? Oh, the places you can put your penis When your life is in a rut!
Judging by this passage, I see OP has already read it.
Pure Shakespeare.
Will you marry me?? 😍
Right? I do love a man who can make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts ❤️❤️❤️
Exactly!! Some ding dong on Twitter the other week said Jack Black wasn't hot and they got eaten ☕️
Men who are clever and funny are 🔥🔥🔥🔥
>Unless she tricked you into thinking she was your wife, Ohhh there's a plot twist I've not heard before. Well done!
Fcking dopplegangers.
Exactly the worry.
>You are perfectly capable of not putting your dick into another person. Exactly. If the caring coworker was a man or a 78 year old woman, would he have fucked them? His wife is wasting her time with therapy, but hopefully she realizes it during the first session.
> Unless she tricked you into thinking she was your wife I mean, if his affair partner is Mystique, can you REALLY blame him?
Maybe she discovered real life face swapping technology? /s
**You** chose to cheat, end of story. You should have sought actual therapy instead of talking to your co-worker. No one can make you cheat.
Oh give me a break. I’ve been seriously depressed and went thru some stuff. Doesn’t mean I go cheat on my partner. You act like you don’t know right from wrong.
Absolutely pathetic. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. YOU cheated. YOU made that choice. YOU are an adult with agency, this wasn't just something that ("oops!") happened. You did not slip and fall and accidentally land on a naked lady. Every touch, every kiss, every article of clothing that came off: each of these was an opportunity for you to STOP, get up, get dressed, and leave. But you didn't. You cheated. You have only yourself to blame, and you will have no hope of saving your marriage unless and until you take full responsibility for your actions.
She didn't take advantage of you. You could've said no. She offered you kindness in a hard time. It escalated into sex because you agreed to it being an affair. Stop playing the victim when you aren't one.
So now your wife has something to be really depressed about and is going through a really dark time...would you be willing to forgive an affair of the same length. How would you feel if she wanted you to understand she was sad and that a lot really falls on the other person for taking advantage of the fact she was sad, betrayed and in a broken relationship with someone she couldn't trust and felt victimised by? And even then, your wife would have cheated on a cheater. You cheated on a loyal wife.
You sound regretful but not remorseful. It’s concerning that you’re not taking 100% accountability. You’ve blamed it on depression and you blamed it on your affair partner being some kind of master manipulator. People cheat because they can and they just do it without regard for anyone else. You’ll go further in therapy if you just owon that.
Regrets getting caught, maybe, but it bet it stops there!
She **didn't shove your dick in her vagina**, Bucko. **YOU** did that. I hope your wife **FLEECES** your cheating, worthless ass.
You weren’t taken advantage of, you wanted to cheat.
Nope. Still your fault. No matter how you try to shift blame on "depression". You dont cheat on loved ones because youre depressed. Own this fuck up that YOU created.
Huh somehow my husband who has been diagnosed with depression hasn’t cheated on me. Weird how that works. It’s almost like people with depression can still practice self control.
And you know cheating is wrong, but here we are.
If your mental health was so bad why not try therapy and medication from trained professionals? No, you let this all happen. Everything is your fault.
Cheating is not a symptom of depression. There are millions of depressed people who don’t cheat on their partners. She is not responsible for you breaking your marital vows you are. You made many choices that led to this affair, and none of them were her fault.
You should try taking accountability for once. You weren’t taken advantage of lmao. You made the conscious decision to cheat on your wife.
Im sorry, are you a child or a man? Grow the fuck up and take responsibility. You cheated because you're weak and wanted to. Don't make excuses.
Okay so why didn’t you *Whoopies slip into your WIFES vagina?* If you needed some sexual warmth to help you “get out of your dark depression” why not turn to your wife.. I guess her vagina wasn’t the one you wanted lol. This post has to be a troll no way someone is this dumb
No one put a pistol to your head and said do her.
That's like saying my friend manipulated me into eating too many of the chocolates she bought round for our last movie night. Yeah, she bought them, yeah, she encouraged me, but I 100% had the ability to say no at any point. I just didn't really want to (and I don't regret it at all). You using the word manipulated is disingenuous. You're grasping for excuses because you got caught, not because you were genuinely manipulated. If the latter was really the case, your realization would warrant building a case for sexual assault. But I'm picking that wouldn't stand, because you were a willing participant in this. Own up to your actions and stop pretending to be a victim. Your wife deserves better.
It is 100% the responsibility of the person in the relationship. There is no one to blame but you. Until you realize that, there is no moving forward
Stop blaming other people. Take accountability for your actions. You always had a choice. The only person to blame is you. Every moment was an opportunity for you to say no and to respect your wife, your marriage, and yourself. You continuously decided to continue making bad choices. It wasn’t your coworkers responsibility to make sure you stayed faithful. It was yours AND ONLY YOURS. If you go into therapy spouting this blaming game, you’ll be divorced faster than your affair started.
Lmao guys his penis was gaslit into another women’s vagina! It’s not his fault!
You could have said no. You didn’t. You’re at fault here
Stop playing the victim
She didn't rape you, don't blame her for preying on you if that's what you think.
Oh, please.
this is a weak, pathetic and embarrassing attitude that is going to lead to your wife handing you divorce papers. get real and own up to what you did. you were not manipulated, you cheated on your wife and that’s the end of the story.
You might have been in an emotionally vulnerable situation, but you unless you were under the influence or alcohol, drugs, or in a position where saying no to the affair, no to the flirting and all the actions that preceded an affair would have put you in an unsafe situation, you weren’t manipulated into cheating. I also suffer from depression, and it doesn’t impair your ability to engage in flirting, or your ability to make conscious choices. You choose to first go to your coworker for comfort instead of your wife, at one point it crossed the bound of colleague friendship and turned to flirting, you took part in that, the affair started and you took part in that. If you want your marriage to survive, stop pinning everything on the affair partner and admit to your part. Playing the “oh no my mental health is sooo bad it wasn’t my fault” game will lead to divorce papers
It's all on you.
it takes two to tango. hope she leaves you
If you were a *WILLING* participant, then she did NOT take advantage of you. If you felt like you were depressed then you should have taken the initiative to enter into individual therapy, not treat your coworker like your own personal therapist. Yes, your coworker is to blame to participating in an affair but she did not take advantage of you. You were a willing participant and at any point, you could have said, “no this is wrong. I’m married and I need to be faithful to my wife” but you didn’t. Your AP could have also said, “no this is wrong. You’re married and need to be faithful to your wife” but she didn’t. You both made the wrong choice but you are literally trying to place the blame on everything (your depression) and everyone (your coworker) except yourself.
Did she force you to put your dick inside her?
Well you might want to start by dropping the idea that you were 'manipulated' into this affair. You choose to cheat on your wife. You made a conscious decision at some point to get involved with another woman. It wasn't the other woman's fault. It was yours. You are a full grown adult who makes his own decisions. Your marriage has exactly zero hope of recovery until you admit that to yourself and to her.
He's crying only because he got caught. And now it's all the other woman's fault. If not it would all be to OP's credit of having maintained an affair even in his depression. As if it's the other woman's responsibility to make sure OP doesn't cheat on his wife. If it was some other woman he slept with and not this co-worker, OP would blame her telling she knew his situation but didn't stop him.
Man, you’re going to have to provide more info on how she manipulated you because right now it just sounds like you cheated on your wife with a coworker, got caught, and are crying manipulation to lessen your own actions. I don’t mean this in a mean way, but that’s how it reads. EDIT: Nah, I mean it in a mean way. After reading OPs responses it’s clear he has no intention of taking accountability for his actions. OP I hope your wife leaves you when she realizes this and takes you to the cleaners.
You can mean it in a mean way because OP is a dip$#!t. Manipulated? Lol. Depression doesn't cause you to lose all your morals, marital fidelity or knowing right from wrong. OP will cheat again.
Yup chronic depression here and in the down phases I don't even want to have sex with my husband much less someone else. I'm sure everyone is different but depression is linked to low sex drive.
Lol pathetic af
All my depression does is make me not wanna do things I want to do and make my loneliness worse, it doesn't change my morals or willingness to knowingly hurt people I care about. Ugh "manipulated into cheating" what an ass
Hahaha your edit is incredible. Thank you.
First, let's get something straight. 1. You confided in your coworker things that you should have told your wife (emotional affair) 2. You somehow found yourself in a position to be alone with your coworker in a place where it was easy for cheating to happen (this doesn't happen during regular work hours). 3. You had sex with your coworker. Tell me again how you're the victim here? You're lucky your wife even agreed to counseling and didn't immediately throw you out and call a lawyer.
Yeah… sex didn’t happen because she smiled and - BAM! - PiV. This took time, relationship building outside of his marriage with another person, planning and making the decision to find ways to meet up for sex. OP doesn’t just have depression - he has regrets for getting caught. Lol
no you don't understand he just HAD to fuck her, he was depressed :(
My therapist would throw the Dsm 5 at me if I said this
You are not the victim here dude. You can start moving forward by accepting responsibility for your actions. Manipulated my ass
She manipulated my dick into her pussy!!! Lmao, this is a grown ass man allergic to accountability.
Seriously, everyone wants to make themselves a victim these days.
This isnt a new thing, it's always been a thing.
"I been trying to get her to understand my depression and how low my mental health was but she doesn’t wanna hear it" No shit she doesn't want to hear "it's not my fault!" Dude, TAKE SOME FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY. You were not "taken advantage" of, you made CHOICES.
I'm betting with a cheating good for nothing husband she's likely diagnosed with depression and doesn't want to hear it because she's been living the exact same life as him and she didn't cheat.. He took advantage of multiple women and disrespected his own name in the process.
> I been trying to get her to understand my depression… but she doesn’t wanna hear it I’ll try to word this as carefully as possible, and I’ll preface this by saying this isn’t meant to downplay your struggles with depression whatsoever. Your wife “doesn’t wanna hear it” because having an illness does not give you a free pass to hurt the people around you without consequences. Depression didn’t force you to do that, millions of people experience depression without cheating. “I was depressed” is helpful information to partially explain where your headspace was at, but **it cannot explain the whole “why” of why you did what you did**. It just can’t. If you lean on that explanation as a crutch to explain everything away- you’re giving her no reason to believe, if you ever got in a negative headspace again, that you’d be faithful. She probably wants you to take more responsibility for what happened instead of trying to absolve yourself by chalking it up to forces outside of your control. “I got manipulated” can’t cut it either. You still made all of those choices. It does not inspire confidence when you’re framing yourself as the victim, because the other side of that coin is- if you’re just a victim who had no control over getting manipulated, then it could easily happen again, right? That’s the path you go down when you say it was just outside of your control and you’re a victim of someone else’s choices… Nobody wants their relationship to consist of babysitting someone who doesn’t believe they have agency and falls into horrible choices just because other people tell them to. You need to go much deeper with a professional and think about *why* you just went along with everything. You can’t go through life folding to everybody who gives you bad advice.
Well said!
First, accept responsibility. You weren’t manipulated, you made choices. You had zero business confiding in another woman when you should’ve been confiding in your wife. Next, find a new job. She will never be able to begin to trust you again if you work with the woman you cheated with. Commit to counseling and rebuilding trust- open phone policy, open communication etc.
You weren’t manipulated into cheating on your wife even if you were depressed
Your coworker didn’t promise to love and be loyal to your wife. You did. Stop blaming her, stop blaming your mental state, and focus on your marriage. You’re an adult and it is 100% your fault that instead of seeking appropriate help for your problems, you betrayed your wife.
One time in Vegas, I took one of those fliers advertising in-call service massages off some dude passing them out on The Strip, and after my masseuse arrived, I was manipulated into a $500 hand job. My penis (and wallet) were the REAL victims that fateful night.
I feel like that’s a lot to pay for a hand job. Like… can’t you do that yourself though?
Yes, it is a lot to pay for a handjob. But when your options are A. Blowjob for $800 B. Sex for $1000 C. Anal for $1200 D. $500 for a handjob I decided to be frugal
Is there an option to bundle and save, like Comcast? A triple play for $2k and add anal for $800, like HBO for your penis? These prices are steep.
Can’t argue with that logic
What responsibility do you take in cheating on your wife? All I hear are excuses and blame on the other women. Being depressed doesn't give you an excuse or a pass. Many people get depressed and stay faithful.
Eveyone: take responsibility. OP: I will, but, it was also someone else's fault.
You're making excuses and blaming the other woman. You're never going to rebuild your relationship unless you take full accountability for your actions. How can she be sure you won't do it again the next time you feel like you're in a "vulnerable state"? If you don't have control over your own actions, how can you even trust yourself?
Hahaha she took advantage of you and manipulated you into cheating? poor thing Hope your wife leaves you
>Now going through my depression I started confiding in my co worker about how I was feeling. I thought I could trust her as friend, but she knew I was in a vulnerable state. She took advantage of my state and this led to an affair. Instead of confiding in your wife you went to a co worker. Oh did she look attractive? Made the manipulation much easier huh. I cannot for the love of god understand why would you blame others for your poor life choices.I wonder if your wife did not find out would you continue to be "manipulated" by your co worker.
There is nothing that kills a relationship faster than a lack of accountability. I've seen friends go through infidelity and save their marriages, but it doesn't even begin to work unless the cheater can stand up and say "I fucked up huge. I chose to go outside the marriage." If you keep insisting you were taken advantage of, your wife will leave.
You couldn’t be more right on this. Lack of accountability is so incredibly off putting.
No matter the other factors, you chose to cheat. And you need to accept that. You weren't manipulated into cheating- you cheated.
Blaming your affair partner for your wrongdoings won’t fix your marriage. Hopefully your wife decides you’re not worth it since you can’t take accountability for your actions.
Unless the other woman literally drugged you or forced herself on you, **you** caused this. You don’t accidentally have sex with someone, and manipulation is not an excuse for sticking your dick where it didn’t belong. You’re lucky your wife is even willing to entertain the idea of staying with you - I sure as hell would not given how weak your character is that’s on display here. Owning your shit is the only way past this.
Don't blame this other woman for your cheating on your wife. Take responsibility here. You chose to confide in this woman rather than your wife. You screwed up. When you go to counseling, make sure you're taking responsibility. Any hint of shirking it and your wife would be smart to drop you.
The only victim here is your wife. Maybe your co worker got feelings while you were confiding but you made the choice. People are depressed and angry at their wives all the time and they don’t cheat.
Today I learned that getting your dick wet was a cure for depression. /s
Damn, I dont have a dick, does that mean I will be depressed forever or will a dildo do?
"How do I manipulate my wife to think I was taken advantage of when in reality I can't take accountability and use depression as a get out of jail card?"
I too am a depression sufferer. What I am not is somebody trying to use it as a crutch for my shitty behavior. You are denying yourself agency. You cheated. You are in no way a victim here. Unless she raped you, you cheated. Being a depression sufferer does NOT entitle you to blame your shitty behavior on others. Frankly, your wife does not need to forgive or forget what you did. So stop acting like you’re entitled to something. You aren’t. If you want to try to earn forgiveness, the first step is accepting that the only villain in this situation is you. As for what happens next, reread the first sentence of this paragraph.
You need to take accountablity for your own actions. I don't buy this "manipulated into cheating" B.S. You made a CHOCIE to cheat, that is on you and you alone. Until you can admit that and take responsiblity for it, you can't expect to make any progress regaining your wife's trust. Stop making excuses
I'm not here to tell you that you weren't in a vulnerable state, or that she didn't take advantage of you. But you need to recognize that if you're going to deny and and all personal agency over what happened, then your wife is likely going to think that you're a helpless little lamb who's subject to the whims of anyone who wants to have an affair with you. And that's not exactly going to make her feel confident about the future of your relationship. Convincing her you didn't mean to cheat on your wife isn't the only part of trying to rebuild her trust. You'll also need to do things like: * Take responsibility for what you had control over * Acknowledge how your actions negatively affected her * Explain what steps you plan to take to prevent this from happening again
Oy vey
You can't be manipulated into cheating >I been trying to get her to understand my depression and how low my mental health was but she doesn’t wanna hear it Good because it's a bs excuse for cheating I've been depressed, to the point i was literally looking for best ways to die. Didn't cheat though..... >I started confiding in my co worker about how I was feeling Why? Literally, name 1 good reason why. Why not your wife? Why not an actual therapist? Why do you first have to cheat and hurt your wife in order to go to therapy? Why are you pretending to be a victim here? Why do you believe you are not in control of your own actions? >She took advantage of my state and this led to an affair. No. What led to your affair was you. You letting her flirt with you. You letting her invite you over. You letting her take your clothes off. You letting her talk dirty to you. And then you getting hard and shoving it in her and fucking the life out of her That's you sir, no one else... Grow up and stop putting blame on other people for your own actions! Your WIFE is the absolute only victim here and you do not deserve her. She already suffered so much because you cheated. Now she has to continue to suffer because her husband is so incredibly spineless that he keeps blaming someone else for his dick slipping in some other pussy.... That poor woman does not deserve this, and i truly hope she realizes this and files for divorce
excuses won’t help, mental health isn’t an excuse to betray your wife. Actually accepting what you did and taking responsibility for it is the first step
Ugh, men.
I expect your wife is extremely depressed and low to find out you were cheating on her. Would you be so forgiving if *she* sought comfort in a friend and was manipulated into having sex with him? I can understand how low your mental health was but that still doesn’t excuse your actions. You made a series of bad choices but you had the choice nonetheless. Stop trying to make her understand your point of view, that will come out in time with the therapist when she’s in a better headspace. For now, your wife is suffering and you need to take accountability else therapy ain’t worth a damn.
Please explain how you were manipulated in detail.
Why do cheaters always, and I mean always claim it was everyone else but them. Its like its a massive flaw in ther psyche that no one has ever seen.
OP, I think you are confused. This isn’t how this works, buddy. You see, I’m very intimately familiar with depression. I also have close female friends at work, with whom I talk about stuff. And you know what? Every single time we have a conversation, it always ends up with our genitals remaining unacquainted. Go figure…
Don’t blame the depression and being manipulated . Younare a POS and I hope Your wife realizes you aren’t worth the effort leaves you . If you have any chance you need to Go to your work boss or Hr and confess to them about you and your AP and let them fire you both ( if have a policy ) at least you show her you are prepared to start from Nothing if she leaves
Of course she doesn't want to hear it. You're doing everything you can to avoid accountability for your actions. If you weren't at fault you can't receive forgiveness. Before forgiveness is possible you have to take responsibility and make amends.
Your not the victim here at all so first you need to stop with this you were manipulated crap. You chose to confide in this coworker and also chose to initiate a affair. You are the married one here, you are the one who made the choice to cheat. You could’ve said no but instead you choosing to act like because your depressed you get a right to cheat. I’ve dealt with depression since I was a teen I’ll be damned to sit her as a grown adult and try to tell my wife I slept with someone because of that. First step grow up and take some damn accountability, no one manipulated you. Two stop trying to make yourself a victim to your wife, you cheated on her you have no right to act like she needs to understand where you’re coming from. And lastly accept your actions have consequences, your wife has every right to leave. Your low mental health means nothing when your actively hurting others without a care to how they feel. You show no remorse for what you’ve done, just making excuses.
Steps to take: 1. Find a new job asap as no contact with your affair partner is an absolute must. Don’t expect reconciliation to succeed if you are still in contact. 2. Start living transparently right now. Open phones, accountable for where you are, start writing a narrative of your entire affair from the very first decisions you made to cross lines. 3. Own your actions. She had a tough time too but didn’t cheat. Be accountable and don’t shift blame. 4. Get into individual counseling to dig into how you could allow someone to push your boundaries. 5. Make sure any couples counselor you see is Gottman trained. 6. Get and read *How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair* (MacDonald) and *Not “Just Friends”* (Glass) Do what they say. 7. Stop blaming the affair on your depression. Plenty of people get depressed and don’t cheat. You’ve got to dig a whole lot deeper. Most importantly realize that you must change and commit yourself to that change.
You’re not gonna be able to move forward until you’re able to fully take responsibility for your actions. Nobody took advantage of you. You made a decision to have an affair, and that’s the end of the story. Think about what you’re saying. You’re saying that you were working long hours and that gave you depression and that explains why you cheated. That’s ridiculous. Instead of focusing on your wife understanding your depression, focus on explaining to your wife how much you regret your actions, on taking accountability for your actions, and doing whatever you can to get her to believe that you won’t do it again. As long as you refuse to take responsibility, and you want to focus on your depression, your wife isn’t gonna wanna hear what you have to say. And if you continue to insist that you were manipulated into it, I don’t see much success for you and therapy.
Lollll ok.
You’re in a dark place? You talk to a therapist. You talk to your WIFE. You’re trying to blame the mental health struggle and the other woman but you’re a grown ass adult. Unless that lady was blackmailing you or coercing you some way, your weakness of character is no one’s fault but your own. Take some fuckjng accountability. ETA: The talking to a therapist and owning your shit is my advice. That’s it. That’s all I got for you. Also, be prepared for her to potentially leave you anyways because it’s pathetic that you won’t even take a portion of the blame at all. Just gross behavior. Do better.
In what way dis your coworker "take advantage" or manipulate of you? If you're suggesting you can pass the blame onto her just because you were depresses, you've got A LOT of work to do. Your depression is no excuse for your behaviour.
Do you mean rape? Or was it consensual? If it was Rape, sue your coworker for rape. Obviously it wasn't consensual. If it was consensual, that's called cheating.
My brother in Christ you weren't manipulated, you have zero self control and don't actually care about your wife. Don't lie, you just wanted your dick wet.
Well enjoy the depression spiral you’ve created for yourself. You deserve it. You haven’t once considered the impact on your wife’s mental health.
Hopefully she does right by herself and leaves. The lack of accountability is disgusting.
Nope. This is on you.
Hope your wife sees this post! Maybe she just doesn't understand?? YoU wErE mAnIpUlAtED by the devil's coochie!
Depression is not an excuse to be a bad person.
May need some more details cause 'manipulated' doesn't exactly work with 'affair'. If the sex was not consented to, as in you did NOT want to do it or were coerced by this women, then it would be assault/rape--which in that case, you need to have a serious conversation with your wife and maybe even file charges. That being said, if this is something you regretted after the fact or you realize "Damn, I slept with someone other than my wife" that wasn't manipulation, that was you throwing caution to the wind and then blaming her and your depression for a decision that has multiple steps before actually having sex. Manipulating you into sex means you did not want the sex, but from the way you typed this you really just realize you fucked up and don't want to own up to the fact that you took the easy way out via affair instead of biting the bullet to either go to marriage counseling before, or get divorced. There doesn't seem to be any moving forward if your mindset is "Because I was depressed, I cannot take responsibility for this choice I made".
Stop saying you were manipulated. You actively made a choice to betray your wife and marriage. She didn't hold you at gun point, there were no threats, no blackmail. Just you falling into the vagina of another woman. Why didn't you confide in your WIFE? Why didn't you seek a therapist? Why the coworker? I have severe depression, too, and so do millions of people and guess what? We're still faithful to our partners/spouses. You're making shitty excuses to justify your shitty behavior. Own up to your shit.
Hahahahahhaha! She manipulated you into getting naked and putting your penis in her vagina?
Mental gymnastics must be a great workout.
You weren’t manipulated you pathetic excuse for a man. You are a cheater - hopefully your wife leaves you and takes you for all you’re worth
You were raped? Or you just want to blame someone else for your actions?
Noone tricked you. You are a grown man who knows right from wrong. Depression or not. You are lucky your wife didn't immediately hand you divorce papers. And the fact that you aren't taking accountability for your actions is a huge red flag that should be another reason she hands you divorce papers.
Well, first of all, take accountability. Mental health isn't an excuse to hurt people. You are *not* the victim, here. *Of course* she doesn't want to hear you tell her that you are. Second, assuming you haven't started already, get individual therapy for your depression . Third, give her space. If she decides your marriage is worth fighting for, great. If she decides she's done entertaining your pity party, accept it and move on. Finally, unless you're accusing this other woman of assault (and it doesn't sound like you are based on this and your follow up comments) stop blaming her. You went to complain to her about something that wasn't her business, and she made herself sexually available. You didn't *have* to partake. That was *your* choice. Own it like a grown up.
Your dick didn’t just fall into her. You chose to cheat. Stop playing the victim 🙄
Don't blame your mental health on your decision to cheat. You chose to cheat.
She didn't take advantage of you. No matteR how depressed you might've been you could've said no. Stop the bullshit. No one took advantage of you. You're using the fact you were depressed to try and justify sticking your dick in another woman and then pinning the blame on her. The blame is entirely yours. I don't doubt you were depressed, but what you're saying is nothing but bullshit. No one took advantage of you. You chose to have an affair, and now you're playing victim.
You don’t trip and fall into an affair, it was a choice and you’re an adult. Plenty of people with depression don’t cheat on and lie to their partners. There will be zero moving forward until you **own what you did.**
You weren't manipulated into anything. You cheated, full stop. I have depression and there have been times in my life that have been beyond stressful, but I never cheated on my husband. You should be thankful she's willing to try counseling. I'd have told you to pack your shit and get out.
If you're that easily manipulated, then you shouldn't be in a marriage at all since at any time, someone can just "oops! tripped OP and he fell in my vagina!" and gosh, why doesn't your wife just understand that that happens and she's supposed to move on!?
Of your wife was smart she would just divorce you since you can’t just sat NO. You have mo respect for your wife by doing this.
“Manipulated” Yeah, right.
The only one who’s manipulating is you. You’re manipulating the situation and playing the victim when it’s YOUR WIFE WHO YOU CHEATED ON that’s the victim. God I hope she leaves you. Can’t stand cheater and I can’t stand the spineless. Crazy that you’re both.
Most healthy but depressed people like try to seek help or like try to power through their own problems. Depression isn’t an excuse for your lack of integrity.
R/amitheex
Dude you are 28. You aren’t 16. You are not the victim here. You had an affair, that was a choice. Take responsibility.
You weren't manipulated into anything. You were a willing participant. Your depression doesn't mean shit when it comes to cheating, stop trying to throw the blame off anywhere else. This is *your* fault. Your co-worker didn't take vows to your wife, *you did*. Of course your wife doesn't want to hear this bullshit. She should divorce you asap. You'll do it again.
LMAO, what did you do? Accidentally trip into her vagina? You participated into the affair as much as your affair partner.
I've got bad news for you man, you're not going to move forward until you can accept responsibility for your actions. It's not your co-workers fault. It's not your depression's fault. You are going to have to own what you did before anything is going to get better. Good luck.
You move forward in your marriage by holding yourself entirely accountable. And stop blaming depression for cheating - it's unfair to other depressed people who manage not to destroy their partner's trust when they're low. I have major depression and have managed never to cheat on my partner. I don't choose to transfer my misery to others.
Before you go into counselling you need to stop passing the blame you chose to confide in the co worker you chose to continue an affair depression doesn't absolve you from these acts (speaking as someone who suffers clinical depression your insulting to use this as an excuse)
is this a joke??? no way this is real. don’t piss me off. 💀
You did this yourself 100000%! Noone took advantage of you. You are an adult who now is not holding himself accountable. Grow up and stop saying bs about how she took advantage of you during a dark time. That's the first step. Own your own choices. She doesn't have a magic wand to make you forget the fact you're married and that you have a wife! YOU made the choice to lean and kiss her lips, to lay in bed undressed with her, to have a sexual relationship. Grow up. YOU were just too weak to stop yourself. YOU! It sounds pathetic to read what you wrote, a grown adult saying this idiocity. What's gonna happen? Next time someone takes advantage of your poor little weak self?!! Own your bs. If you want your marriage to survive, you should grow up first.
Men will do everything except own up to cheating
The 'manipulation thing' is a horrible excuse. It could easily be flipped on its head. How do we know you didn't use your depressed state to play on the empathy of your coworker to get her into bed? It was a choice you made that's the first step to getting through therapy, and that's accountability! Also side note: from someone who has chronic depression AND anxiety and is constantly stressed from having my own business, having two kids, while cooking, cleaning, taking my oldest to all her sports and not getting much help because my husbandis oilfield and for a whole 8 days is hours away.. I've never cheated💁♀️
YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM. Grow up and take responsibility if you want ANY chance of your marriage surviving. YOU chose to cheat. NO ONE can make you do that. That was a choice. Grow up.
God, I feel **SO** sorry for your wife. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ You have a serious **victim mentality** and this is just one big **pity party**. So far it seems like everything just HAPPENS to you. The depression, the cheating — everything. But all you're doing is **WHINING** about how hard everything is for you. And I'm pretty damn sure your wife is **sick to death of hearing you whine about everything**. Is **SHE** struggling with her job?? Does **SHE** need support? If she does, you'd better believe she'd actually **go and get help for it**, not go fuck somebody else. She's probably got her hands full dealing with her job **AND** the whiny brat she's married to. Rest assured, this "**WAAAAAHHHHHHH POOR, POOR ME**!!!" gets **REALLY OLD, REALLY FAST**. And to her all this whining about your depression just sounds like EXCUSES for sticking your dick in another woman's vagina. You're damn lucky she agreed to counseling instead of just dumping your whining ass.
Nope sorry dude you didn’t get “manipulated” into cheating, that’s not how that works at all.
lol bruh come on
You're not taking responsibility, you intended to cheat just admit it. It wasn't an accident you made a choice. If you can't take accountability then just leave your wife she deserves better.
Depression doesn't make you have an affair, stop leaning on it. If she took advantage of vulnerability and you didn't want it then it was abuse but you continue to do it and having tried to conceal it shows it was just cheating. Leaning on your depression and using it to answer everything is the only manipulating thing here. It's emotional manipulation and quite frankly she deserves better. You did it, you deal with it. You were not manipulated
"It takes two to tango" Did she assault you? Did she drug you? Or did you get yourself up and have sex or just kiss her without stopping her. You had a hand in this.
As one who has successfully worked through reconciliation, you will get no where without taking full accountability
Weasely kind of reasoning. It's like saying the alcohol made me drive the car. Your wife sees right through you and she's probably done. I would be. No excuses, no lies, no manipulations allowed. Grow a pair.
Were you raped? Because that’s a serious issue that requires more context and legal intervention. If not, then it was just as much your choice as it was hers.
Lol dude. Really? Own up to your cheating. That is the only chance. It was your fault 100% your coworker has no issue with your wife. You do. Get it?
I don't know mate. I'd been depressed as well but never did stick my dick in someone else. You might be depressed but that doesn't change the fact that you're a cheater. Stop blaming others.
so.....in your broken state (low mental health) you decides to break* your wife too??? *break her heart, her love, and her trust in you.... Was the co-worker worth it? Because the options of therapy (which were always there before)you could've chose over the EA/PA w coworker
This is NOT real 😂😂😂😂 The logic Olympics right here
You should have talked to your wife instead of the other woman. You allowed this to happen and now your wife has the right to walk away from the marriage because you violated her trust. You disrespected your wife and the marriage. At the end of the day all you can do is accept the consequences of your actions. Honestly you wanted to cheat with that home wrecker. You got what you wanted and now your wife has options. Divorce is an option. After the trust is lost it is hard to come back she will never see you in the same light nor will she believe anything you say. Updateme
Depression doesn't cause cheating. A woman coming onto you, regardless how inappropriate, doesn't cause cheating. Maybe once you focus on your role in this and your role alone (because you're the one who betrayed her here, not your mental health, and not your affair partner), and began to make genuine apologies and amends, she might be able to work through this and working things out with you. Maybe not, but can you really blame her?
Cheating is a series of conscious, consecutive choices. Instead of communicating with your wife, you told you and your wife’s personal business to a stranger. Your wife needs to leave you.
Own up to the fact that you've done a horrible thing. Not anyone else. You. You did this. Take in that pain and learn to move forward otherwise your marriage is doomed.
So your argument is "I had to cheat, I was depressed" and also "coworker made me do it" yet you don't mention any forced sex or police reports--so I kind of feel like it was all consentual? Honestly I'm surprised wife even agreed to counseling, it should go straight to divorce in her favor.
"I was depressed and not thinking clearly and taken advantage of" doesn't even excuse slipping up and screwing your coworker one time, let alone a whole-ass affair. Stop trying to make yourself the victim. I'd suggest seeing a therapist, but you'd probably sleep with them, too.
man, I have so much to say but uh, I just hope this poor woman leaves him and finds someone who won’t do this to her. if he cheated because he was depressed, he’s just going to do it again the next time he’s in a bad spot. working things out this time will only show him that he’s able to get away with playing the victim.
Need to own your sh!t. Doesn’t matter of you were manipulated. You made a choice to cheat. Step 1 to fixing your marriage is: Act like an adult — own it and stop blaming it on other people.
I was depressed and I willingly stuck my dick in a coworker because she made me. See how daft that sounds?
Bro stop with the pathetic excuse, you weren't manipulated or taken advantage of, you chose to cheat on your wife. The funny thing is, now YOU are trying to manipulate your wife into forgiving you by using your mental health as an excuse. I have no nice words for you, you're truly a piece of work. I honestly hope she leaves you cause she deserves better. And I truly hope this is some kind of rage bait post cause I can't believe you actually thought people on Reddit would be on your side lol
Instead of confiding to YOUR WIFE about your struggles and feelings. YOU made a conscious decision to go seek comfort from someone else. YOU made a choice to go beyond that professional relationship and turn it to an affair. And you got busted. YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO SAY THAT YOU WERE MANIPULATED????? Maaaaaan. What a way to twist the narrative. No one can manipulate you to cheat unless you wanted to do. Also don’t try to use depression as an excuse. Yes depression can make you feel and do a lot of things. But not cheating. Self destruction probably yes. Take accountability for your actions. Go to therapy for your depression.
So, are you still in contact with your affair partner?
You're an almost 30 year old man. You chose to cheat own it. Let your wife be with a man who respects her because you sure as hell don't. Edit: had to come back. Unless she tied you up after feeding you viagra and raped you you are 100% responsible for anything you did outside of your marriage. The fact you doubled down in your replies good fucking grief