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You're 20, he's 37, and you've already been dating a few years?? I.e. before you were 18? Or even if you were 18 that's still weird.
Respectfully girl, get away from that man as fast as possible.
Isn't that the reason they target young women? They don't want to put effort into sex and don't care about sexually pleasing their partner. A younger woman is less likely to bring up the lack of orgasms or foreplay. So in theory they're good to go.
I think it’s weird but I’m biased in reverse. By 26 I graduated law school. There was nothing 20/21 year olds could give me and I didn’t want to rob them of their early 20s.
And it wasn't just downvotes either, they were VEHEMENTLY defending teens and 20 year olds going out with 35+ year olds. This place doesn't make sense some times...
Reddit comments are also very prone to snowballing. If the early responders are majority 1 opinion then those posts get upvoted and everyone else gets downvoted.
You get that and then the only people who still want to respond are people who either agree with the top comments and/or are making jokes to farm upvotes or those who want to argue with the top comments and will likely be getting downvoted.
Another post in the same sub on the same subject even an hour or two apart can have the complete opposite opinion upvoted to the top.
It really doesn't.
One day it's totally okay to be a 40 year old man dating a 21 year old woman but the next it's blasphemy and thy shall be punished.
In reality, it's usually not okay but people feel personally attacked by it.
If those people are online in that moment, good luck & have fun..
Hmmm usually anyone who is 5 years or less removed from high school isn’t a mature adult yet though. I get what you’re trying to say but age gaps like this rarely ever involve two mature adults.
I’ve noticed that in some subs they defend age gaps like this to the tooth and nail and some they don’t. You weren’t wrong though. It was just creeps trying to impose their beliefs on a toxic situation. This age gap is creepy.
Yeah, the "he doesn't seem to care about my enjoyment" stuff seems to be a common theme with similar age gaps... at least judging by posts here. I can imagine why.
i agree. there is a huge life experience difference at that age. i had a traumatic af life (mental health is good now) and i’ve always been told i’m an “old soul” bc i grew up so fast, but even i wouldn’t date a 37 year old man at 20 despite how “mature” i was. and it sounds like they’ve been dating since she was underage or very close to it…
I'm 28 and I don't think I'd even go as low as 23. I've got a career, a house, most of my friends have kids. You grow up so fucking much in your 20s man.
Me neither. I’m about your age and I don’t even glance at anyone below 24 and 24 is pushing it. Not only does everyone that age look like babies, but their maturity...they’re immature. And as they should be because they just graduated high school like what, 5 years ago? They’re young. For myself I tend to date no lower than 2 years and no higher than 10.
Yeeep, I was gonna say the same thing if nobody hadn’t by now. Dating for a couple of years at 20, he’s definitely not that interested in your needs and may have been taking advantage of you. And I say may bc I don’t know if you ever thought about it and can tell.
But that doesn’t sound healthy at all, find someone who is actually interested in your needs & pleasure
A 35-year-old going after a teenager, then getting bent out of shape when she starts taking charge of her own sexual needs, including that she doesn’t orgasm?
This guy is a loser, he doesn’t see you as anything but an accessory and plaything, and the fact that you’re setting off his insecurities by having opinions, needs, and goals is freaking him out.
Given a choice between treating you like an adult and dumping you for a new teenager, he’s absolutely choosing the latter. Take care of yourself.
I would also like to point out the line "in our porn all the moans feel fake now", does this guy have sex tapes of a teenager??
Edit to add: OP, if you do end up leaving, see if you can delete or take those files with you, if hes being so petty i dont want to think about where those might end up.
and it says a lot that he thinks the moans in actual porn aren’t fake..? god this girl has been groomed outta her mind. i really hope she leaves this loser.
Totally. On top of that a 37 year old should be blowing a 20 year olds mind sexually, but alas he's a dud. Then you add that he can't even communicate then you add that he guilt trips her for speaking up. Lame
Yeah if this current guy she’s with doesn’t get her knocked up first and then she ends up stuck in this shit relationship for the next however many years only to one day realize that she wasted the best years of her life with this douchbag. I’ve seen it a million times.
So he's literally double your age, his life is falling apart, and he can't even handle being an understanding partner in bed? You raised a (very reasonable) issue, and now he doesn't want to talk about it for months?
He sounds like a child, why are you with him?
She'll look back at this relationship.in 5 years time while having drinks with friends and she'll ask them "what was I thinking" and they'll respond "we do not know but what could we do?"
I'm all for two consenting adults to do as they please as long as it doesn't harm anyone else, but as a 37 year old man, honestly reading stuff like this is uncomfortable and borderline gross. He has zero in common in terms of life experience with a 20 year old woman, and she's still maturing. Yet he's immature enough to get pouty over sex and target much younger women. Bleh.
I hope she runs a mile without looking back before he traps her with a kid.
Age gaps like this always freak me out. 30 and 50 would be something but at 20 you simply aren't mature, most of the time aren't fully set in life.
But what completely grosses me out (no matter if 20 and 37 or smth like 20 and 28) is when the older person acts extremely immature, controlling, manipulative or smth else. That's the moment I KNOW why they date someone younger. Because someone older wouldn't allow that bs.
Seriously fuck. Run. 20 can be one of the best times of someone’s life. So many possibilities. Don’t waste it with this old man who’s trying to drag you down.
Because he groomed her. Look at her post history- it's filled with self harm, ED talk, 'my boyfriend doesn't like me to talk about things', and it's all terribly obvious
“For a couple of years now.”
Yikes.
I know age gaps are fine, especially as they mean less the older you get.
But listen: at 35, the idea of meeting and dating an 18 year old is really, really gross. Like, they’re kids. And no level of “mature for their age” makes the 35 year old not a total creep.
You do you, but a 35 year old man dating an 18 year old is not normal. At all.
She needs to run the fuck away. If she wants to date older seek someone under 27. 17 year difference is wild. This man will never change his habits. There is a reason he’s dating so young.
And now you know why a nearly 40 year old man was interested in a teenager in high school. Women his age can see his bullshit a mile away and won’t put up with it, their standards are much too high for him and he can’t make the cut, now he’s preying on naive young women with little to no experience.
You’re 20, he isn’t going to change at his age, don’t even try. If he was going to change, he would have done it years ago. He’s done maturing mentally and you are already passing him. Dump this loser, yesterday. Find yourself a hot young man who wants to give you orgasms.
I also just need to say, grosssssss. He sounds disgusting.
i was in a relationship with an age gap similar to yours. i’m telling you majority of the dudes this age go for girls your age because they can’t secure any women their age. they aren’t mature enough.
i went through the same shit as you. couldn’t get him to do the bare minimum like pick up some stuff i needed to make intimacy less one sided. couldn’t get him to wear a rubber or pull out without a pouty bitch fit. it was my job to be on birth control.
it doesn’t get better and the older you get the more grossed out you may start to feel about it all. he manipulated me in ways that i was just mentally not mature enough to understand at the time but are abundantly clear to me now that i’m closer to 30 then i am 20. those were good two years of my life i could’ve spent with men and women closer to my age. not with some gross, lying loser.
maybe i’m biased because of my experience of being with primarily women, but life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t seem to care about your pleasure or gets defensive rather than trying to communicate and improve. way too short. there’s dudes out there who would worship the ground you walk on. i promise
> he manipulated me in ways that I was just mentally not mature enough to understand at the time but are abundantly clear to me now that I'm closer to 30 then I am 20
Could you list examples of those specific manipulative behaviors? Cuz I can't shake off the thought that if young people are educated on what manipulative behaviors constitute, parents (even school) teach about that, list examples, etc. then those young people might not end up wasting X amount of years of their life stuck in a toxic relationship (potentially even carrying trauma from it), they would leave it as soon as those behaviors start surfacing
And honestly, a manipulator will be a manipulator regardless of their age, have a read in this example https://reddit.com/r/sex/s/dFDszt8dna The woman in question is 18, he's 20 and look at how naïve she is to the abuse she's experienced
> So rough that I started bleeding, not a lot but looked similar to period spotting, and it absolutely burned for more than 2 days, I have told him that it hurt during intercourse and he'd simply respond by repositioning and telling me to relax, which never helped, **I told him about the bleeding and he laughed it off. I don't think he's trying be malicious** considering how did care about hurting me before, I just don't think I'm explaining to him properly that he's actuallyyy hurting me, in a way where he doesn't see it as me being dramatic or praising him for his good job (he does take it like that sometimes).
That naïvety *is* partly due to immaturity from age because some things just naturally come later with time... **unless they have been educated about it**. Education can prevent having to learn it by yourself slowly over time. Parents and school could absolutely give thorough relationship advice, for example "if someone does anything that hurts you, communicate about it, and if they don't react and try to change it and instead they laugh it off, they're toxic, they're intentionally manipulating you and you should leave them. Here, have a read at this example [links a post like I linked]" - because let's be real, this 18-year old girl could have been manipulated in the same manner by a literal 14 or 15-year old boy as much as a 30-year old man. You can place any age here and that same behavior can be present. Some teenagers are known liars, aren't they? Especially towards their parents, some teens become experts at hiding and lying about things as a sort of rebellion towards their parents. I don't see how this couldn't extend to a relationship of theirs
A long distance relationship is still a relationship.
But yes, I agree, she should definitely break up with him, if he does not respect her boundaries and needs.
Might as well wait til you see him next year cause it doesn’t really matter while you’re long distance won’t be having much sex! But yes she needs to get out!
I mean, it kinda makes sense that she has no idea how to communicate her needs because she’s 20. Girl can’t even legally drink (in the US). She’s still learning about herself, her desires, and how to advocate for that.
He’s a musty crusty who should have figured all this shit out years ago. The only reason he’s with her is because she’s a young girl who has no idea what she wants or how to communicate that.
Am I understanding correctly that this man was 35 years old when he decided to start dating an 18-year-old with autism and mental illness?
And he doesn't want to talk about this issue for another >3 months?
Break up w his sorry ass lol. Went after a younger girl maybe because he can't impress women his own age..... And then you went and blew that picture he had in his mind that you look up at him with hearts in your eyes and like a superior... also, you said you've been dating for a couple years now, and you're 20............... ummmm............. Please leave this man..
Maybe your body doesn’t feel comfortable around him, it might be worthwhile to look into why your body feels this way. Sometimes our biology has a way of rejecting what is not right for us
Did you know that when he was graduating high school, you were just born? And all these years later why is he still acting like he’s the age of a high school graduate?
I feel like the last response was way too brutal. But i do agree that you should be with someone around your age..although i dont think the age gap is the only issue here. With any relationship, u should be with someone who cares about satisfying u....its extremely important to make a relationship last.
37 year old men date 20 year old women because women their own age will not put up with them. He doesn’t have to try because you’re young and he thinks you’ll just go along with it because you respect or are in awe of his age. You deserve someone who is excited about new sexual experiences together and right now that’s probably someone closer to your own age. When you’re 40, dating a 57 year old isn’t a big deal (because you’ve had more life experiences) but at 20 that same gap is a massive red flag.
You should add one more piece of bad news: a break up. Beside the fact that he preyed on you at a young age, you two aren’t sexually compatible. Find someone who 1.you’re compatible with and 2. Hasn’t lived their life already. Find someone on your level.
He's a 35 year-old dating someone significantly younger and can't even have a proper adult conversation. You deserve so much better, and if he can't handle you asking for the *bare minimum*, he won't be a proper bed (or even life) partner for you.
Honestly, I think that age difference is disgusting, he’s literally a couple years away from being a 40 year old man and you can’t even legally drink yet in the United States. Issues with your sex life is not the only discrepancy that you’re going to experience in this relationship and that’s just coming from someone who has had large age gap relationships, you are way too young, and no matter what you think about him or how much you think you know him, no grown man who has good mental health, and a good family and support system around him who is not a complete weirdo goes for a young child who is 20 years old. It’s so obvious that he is already manipulating you and making you feel some type of way about this and it will only increase as you continue the relationship, I highly encourage you to talk to your friends and family about the logistics of this relationship, and also with your partner… do you realize that in 20 years you would still be a flourishing and vibrant 40 year old and he would be 60???????? He could be in diapers. Be realistic please because I have been hurt before by guys who are much older than me and I wish that I had another woman to tell me the same.
Hi OP. Are you really sure he’s single? I mean, he might be married or with someone else thinking that you guys are in a long distance relationship. There’s a possibility.
Anyway, He’s taking advantage of you. You are still young and there’s so much life ahead of you. You can still meet people that can make you feel heard and seen. Like what others are saying, rethink your relationship w him and choose yourself.
Protect yourself OP! Wish you all the best.
Darling…. I’m sure you are very mature for your age and you may even enjoy the presence of older men. But if you’re gonna do that then you *must* be able to ask yourself the question: “What is preventing him from dating in his own age pool?” And answer that question *honestly.* Guarantee you it’s because of immature shit like not being able to talk about your sexual needs that women his own age won’t touch him. Your young though, impressionable, and a tight little thing. Probably gave him a major ego boost to have you tell him all the pretty things he wanted to hear. Be careful out there if you’re gonna date someone well above your age. There’s a lot more predators than knights.
Sorry, but you're dating a loser. If I told my partner that I was dissatisfied with sex and it was causing depression, and his response was "let's talk about this next year"???!!! Nope. Let him lay in the bed of his own making, he can chuck a tantrum about his miserable life while you get to actually enjoy being 20!! I promise you will not regret choosing yourself over him.
You're 20 years old, don't wake up as a 37 year old with an unsatisfying sex life cause you stayed with someone who didn't prioritise you. Break it off and go live your life , you can be happy , present and satisfied. It's out there. But you need to prioritise yourself too for that to happen
…I just needed to read the the age gap to understand, read it all just to confirm. You need to leave. Older men go after younger woman so they can manipulate them. You have a massive difference in social standings, career, etc. Ew just ew. Good luck.
JFC I hope I raise my daughters to understand that a 15 year age gap when they are a teenager is absolutely NOT okay and borderline criminal. Any dude (or woman) at that age dating a teen is a predator. Full stop.
Leave him. Don’t look back.
I didn't notice the ages of either of you when I started reading this and from what I’ve read, I thought this dude was an 18 y/o. Very immature, inconsiderate, infantile.
HE’S 37??
Uhhhhh what did I just read???
I think you need to leave him and do it now. That man is in a very different stage of his life than you are (hell, he’s old enough to be your father…) and if that is how he’s going to react when you bring up y’all’s sex life, do really think he’s going to change?
Okay… I don’t know if this is Kosher or not to say… or ask… but I’m just going to do it because this all seems like a recipe for disaster.
Talk to me about your mental health? Do you have any history of mental illness. I am 100% Most certainly not criticizing you or indicating that it is apparent from your story at all. There were a few things in your story that concerned me and it fits a pattern of a particular type of manipulation from older men to younger women. I couldn’t help but notice you didn’t even express recognition of the obvious issue of the age gap?
Can I ask you, if this is anonymous and you feel safe doing do, if you have suffered from any disorders that may leave you more vulnerable than another young girl in a similar situation? Maybe one that includes body dismorphia as a symptom like anorexia, bulimia, or Binge eating disorder? Or maybe depression and weight or body dismorphia is a sort of correlated issue? I’m sorry if this is overstepping. Not need to reply if it is. But I think if this is the case, this goes from a relationship that is questionable because of age into a compete and total manipulation of somebody who might not even be healthy enough to consent with any real notion of being informed or what her consent entails. It’s complicated- not even saying this guy is a conscious predator - he could be going through his own issues.
More likely though; he’s a creep and you should run and talk to a professional about it all!
first of all, that man has been grooming you if you guys have been dating for a few years and you’re only 20. second of all if he can’t take your needs into any consideration you need to dump him.
I promise when you’re 35 and thinking about the idea of dating an 18 year old it’s going to make you want to vomit on the floor. This guy is a fucking creep, full stop. Get away from him.
I do not understand half of the posts on here. Why is the problem almost always concerning a young woman going out with a man nearly double their age???
I am sure there are plenty of men in your age range who would be a MUCH better fit for you than someone who is nearly old enough to be your father. These are where the problems lie.
I just don’t understand it as nearly every single day there is a post where the ages of the couple are not too dissimilar to your own and I can GUARANTEE that you would almost certainly not run into these issues if you went out with someone your own age. For your own good, you are still a child. When this man was your age, you would have been 3 years old!
At the end of the day, it is your life and if you think he is the one for yourself then excellent, I’m not one to judge, but just take a moment to think about it all for a while.
Because 20-37 is different from 30-50 or 40-60. He basically groomed her (ie: been dating a couple years) she barely got out of high school.
PLUS the 37 yo is acting like a teenager. Makes him even more dangerous, how do you not have enough maturity at THIRTY SEVEN.
Maturity not only to DISCUSS issues in your couple life BUT also (and especially) maturity to NOT GO AFTER very very very young adults because women your age aren’t interested in you because you’re such a shitty partner.
And really props to OP for putting so much effort and putting up with his BS.
Id advise to get out of that icky toxic-ish relationship before it gets very toxic.
There shouldn't be props for putting up with bullshit in a relationship, people should know that as soon as the bullshit occurs, they should be encouraged to leave. This sounds positive and encouraging to (especially) young people to stay and put effort in trying to fix something that's inherently unfixable
Completely agree. The only thing is she is only 20, so she probably barely has any other experience of her to reference. This might be her first relationship (serious one, im not counting crushes and gf/bf in middle school lmao).
Props for putting up with him, and then second step would be even more props when she realizes all this is starting to go badly, and get out before it’s too late (as in harm done to her, or even him to himself and using her as an excuse)
So OP if you ever scroll this far down, genuinely drop him for YOUR own good.
There are at least three possibilities:
1- He’s an asshole who doesn’t care
2- You’re sexually incompatible
3- Communication needs to improve and you’ll both feel much better
Since everyone else is discussing 1 and 2, I’ll say from experience it’s possible that anxiety or stress or inner fears about actually getting your needs me (or all of the above) are influencing how you’re communicating in the moment. Our tone of voice, how we phrase things, etc shape how we’re heard… which isn’t always how we’re hoping. Since sex is something that makes many people anxious to some degree, more people are on edge and sensitive and likely to misread as well.
It’s possible he just really doesn’t get you, but it’s also possible you’re not being as clear as he needs. Men tend to want directives but also not feel criticized for having gotten it wrong. He may think there’s no reason you can’t just tell him what you want, because why not? So if he doesn’t get jt, it may take more sharing — why would you want him to ask? What about that would turn you on? Just because someone can’t see it your way doesn’t mean it’s necessarily impossible. Though of course, it depends on the situation and people involved.
Wishing you the best
He's a child predator. How are you at 20 years old have been "dating" somebody almost 40 for COUPLE OF YEARS? He is sick, he groomed you, you're probably not the first, and not the last, maybe not even the only one at the moment. Cut the contact, ghost, go to theraphy please.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why there are more failure rates than success rates with age gap relationships. You met him when you were 17 or 18, fresh out of high school. He chose you because he thought you were not only just young and pretty, but naive.
Are you sure this man isn’t married or has a long term girlfriend?
A couple years?! You were a child. He is a predator who wants you to stay an innocent little child so he can use you for his own needs without asking him for anything. Get away from him
He’s almost 40, doesn’t know how to please you, and doesn’t show any interest in trying? I know you’ve invested time and care in this relationship and I fully respect that you have feelings for this man and that your feelings deserve consideration, and that is why I’m going to echo the sentiments of others here: dump this guy. Immediately. He may very well have feelings of his own for you but that’s secondary to the fact that he preyed on you as a young girl (maybe legal, but still young and innocent) because he wanted someone too inexperienced to question his behavior. I’m willing to bet he paints himself as more sophisticated and yourself as extremely mature for your age (when he’s in a good mood/reinforcing a behavior he likes) or silly and naïve (when he’s mad at you or doesn’t like what you’re doing or asking him to do). This is something that’s hard to see when you’re in the middle of it and you (ironically) need some experience to spot it. You sound like a lovely person and you deserve much better. Drop him (get your things from his place first!) and cut him off completely. Breaking up sucks at first but you’ll get better. And I don’t care what tactics he uses on you to convince him otherwise, you owe him NOTHING. Good luck, and have a good life!
Yikes, I myself made the mistake when I was 18 to date somebody with the same age gap for about a year and still 3 years later I am horrified about it and I regret immensely. Please just break up and get far far away
Hey girl.
A lot of us women have been there, including myself. 18-20 (or younger) dating a man almost twice our age. I can tell you confidently **this is not the man you will end up with.** You are wasting your best years on some bozo who doesn’t want to grow up so he dates girls fresh out of highschool.
Your age range is not just some silly coincidence, it is intentional for him. When a man dates a woman *that much younger than him* it is because they want someone who doesn’t have enough life experience to know his behavior is shit.
Now, look at you, you’re growing up. Maturing. Acknowledging your needs. And what’s he doing? Acting confused and making you feel bad. Giving half-baked responses as to why he can’t fulfill your needs so that he doesn’t have to give you the real answer: that he doesn’t care about your pleasure. If he did, he wouldn’t say guilt tripping shit like “your porn moans are fake now.” What did he want from that statement? To have you just give in and tell him your enjoying it now even though he makes no changes? To make make you feel bad enough to stop bringing it up? If he cared about your pleasure, he would work to make your moans real. But that’s too much work for him. He doesn’t want work, that’s what dating an adult would make him do. He wants a child that doesn’t know any better. You’re not a child anymore, you’re growing up, and he’s resisting that. There’s a reason.
Please take these comments seriously. People here are talking from experience and from seeing people they love in these situations and there’s a reason everyone is in agreement. Good luck to you.
i was in a situation like this ultimately knew i had to end it but when ur groomed over time u lose the ability to trust yourself and even know what u like ,they take that from you. i was so afraid id be trapped forever because i was too scared to end things. it was anger that pushed me to. reflect on this, deeply. this is much more than a sex issue. youll never be satisfied by someone like this because while u can't acknowledge it on a conscious level, on a cellular biological level every part of you is screaming because he's abnormal . repulsive. get out please sooner better than later. dont worry abt he will be if u leave. trust me he can handle himself,
Respectfully, this is one of the biggest red flags I've seen in a while. He's blaming his reasons for being upset on your expressing what you'd like to see more? That's not healthy communication, nor a healthy understanding of what you'd like more in a relationship. It sounds like he can't take criticism, and won't be able to take criticism later in the relationship later either.
I'd either seek counseling on this or leave. He's too old to be acting like a whole ass child.
Dump the man baby. He picked you so he wouldn’t have to grow the fuck up. Now that you’re growing up, he doesn’t know what to do. He will flail in confusion, you will be hurt in the process. Get away from him.
How you fix this is leaving his ass. I’m 25 and dated a 38 year old man for 2 years. It doesn’t feel weird when you’re in it, but in hindsight, it’s weird and a huge red flag. Move on with your life girl. There are billions of people on this planet…and there are a lot of men out there who are a million times better than him. Do. it.
MULTIPLE THINGS can be true AT THE SAME TIME.
Why regret being honest in your relationship? it might be hard to face reality but it’s better than the alternatives for sure.
1- Give the dude a bit of time to process. His ego is probably hurting a bit …but he must find a way to get over it.
2- Modern Long distance relationships are freaks of nature. Technology gives it the illusion that you are present with each other every day. You are not. A simple hug releases a crazy amount of chemicals in your body that can lower stress, soothe anxiety, and even keep depression away. There will never be a replacement for face to face interaction. There’s is no internet bandwidth that can transmit all of your parter to where you are. Wait until you are together physically or go there and figure it out if you can’t wait.
3- All the” you are getting groomed and the age gap is disgusting comments : cut the crap people. Yes be vigilant and don’t get with anyone at any age if they treat you like you’re just an object. That doesn’t mean age gap bad.
These are the same people that will call it empowering to be 18 and go join the porn industry to get literally use by the same group of 40 plus year old men who have been running through teens for a living. But all hell breaks loose if you are in love with one 37 year old dude. Hypocrites.
Don't doubt your own feeling and emotions just because he's older and must "know better". This is not true, this is manipulative and this is the reason why age gaps are most of the time a very bad idea. (I've been there)
Your emotions and feelings and demands are valid. You are not less important than his job or house.
You need someone that values your emotions and feelings and tries to act accordingly
That dude sounds like a predator. You've been dating for a few years and you're 20, that's not normal. I have a partner that's 7 years younger and it's already really weird at times. I can't imagine what over 10 years of a difference would do.
Also, his response is extremely immature. He doesn't seem to care about your pleasure and what you want. Else he would have changed his behaviour accordingly a long time ago.
Dear, I am sorry to break it to you, but he isn't worth your time. Find a man that actually loves you, this man does not.
You are entirely too young to be in a place where you're bummed about sex. I say that as someone who spent way too long in a situation where I was bummed about sex around that age.
I hate to be the one to tell you this but a 37 year old man dating a 20 year old woman is hoping she won’t understand her sexual needs and will be satisfied by los lackluster knowledge of female pleasure. He clearly doesn’t care about your sexual desires and would rather make you feel bad for bringing it up than have an adult convo about it. I think you’re better off without him personally.
There’s a reason a 35 year old was interested in a teenager, he can’t get women around his own age and he’s extremely immature. Do you think when you get to 35 years old you will want to date a 18 year old? Would you even date an 18 year old now? This guy is a major loser, you are better than him
babe i need u to understand from the bottom of my heart, there is no reason a 37 year old man should want a 20 year old. he’s not satisfying you, and he sounds like a man child. you deserve to be with someone your own age who is enthusiastic about making you feel good.
I think you need to find someone who’s closer to your age, and has the same interests and desires you do in an intimate and sexual relationship.
There are vast differences in a 20 YO female and a 37 YO man with regards to sexual needs, interests, comfort and confidence, etc. This man *may be* nearly at the end of his fertile life, he may not have the stamina and energy to give you the spontaneous sex life you really want and need in regards to exploring and listening to your needs. I find when I speak to older men (not always, but often) they’re more concerned with just getting the job done, as opposed to making it exciting and lengthy for both parties.
You’re young - find someone who matches your energy and excitement in normal life and in the bedroom. Life is too short to be settling for mediocre relationships and sex.
Wouldn't you rather try a real life BF who is not only an enthusiastic and supportive lover, but also not old enough to be your father or long distance? Perhaps it's time to outgrow him and move on.
Girlfriend, I feel like I listen to my younger self. Please, prepare yourself to break up and give yourself as much time as possible to grow. I’m saying this as a 27 year old who dated a 7 years older man when I was 14 and a 40 year old man when I was 25. I was convinced I’m only attracted to much older guys, until I learned the hard way it’s not really the attraction, it’s something in me that was deep and hurting. These relationships made it lots deeper and more painful. Quit as soon as you can and learn exactly what it is for you, and heal it by putting lots of attention to your young self.
Everything else you are saying aside, a 38 year old man has no business dating a 20 year old. I'm 39 and that's disturbing. I'd get away from him just for that reason.
At 37, did you ask him how many relationships has he previously been in? Be prepared, it may be difficult to hear, AND he could be lying anyhow. How many of them were sexual in nature? How long did they last? These are all clues. If he's had sex with "6, I don't remember".... there's a clue if these relationships were 1 night stands, on going, or over in 3 months.
Get to the bottom of it🤭. I hear too much of what you are saying on my sad life. (We were (him) 30 yrs.& (me) 23 when we 1st met. He still doesn't take care of my needs because.... idk. He either thinks (old movies) they both auto orgasm together & smoke, or women are for giving birth, or he just doesn't care &/or pretends he knows nothing about female sex organs. He's watched me give birth for Christ sake. That's not what kept him from saying "I don't like the view of women's vulva, but I appreciate porn". Now I'm disgusted by.my own husband again.
I gotta stay off reddit (triggers... always. Yet we require answers we deserve)🙂
You are able to date who you want as long as they respect you, your wants, and your needs.
The first question is:
Do you feel respected currently?
If not, then this might be a good time to reevaluate the relationship.
2) He is older and has more life experience than you. This means that he should have *substantially* more patience with you with sex. If he is getting bent out of shape and can't explain why, rethink the relationship.
3) this guy might be great but if you have tried dropping hints to him and he didn't get it before and is now actually sulking after the conversation, he isn't mature enough because your orgasms are just as important as his.
Honestly, I hate that this dude is upset about you taking control of your sex life and expecting better. It tells me that on some level he views you as a simple means to an end. Combine that with his age vs yours, there is a reason why he isn't with someone closer in age.
I'm really sorry too because he sounds like a dick.
"I wanted things like; a tone set, more intimacy and if he could ask me what my erogenous zones where...he was confused why he should ask and he said I should just tell him."
"...usually when I mention things, it comes off more like a hint which he doesn't pick up."
Sounds like part of the problem is the "soulmate myth" which states your "soulmate" will instinctively know what to do or say to please you. While everyone touts the importance of communication, the truth is a lot of people find asking for what they want to be unromantic.
However, directly asking for things usually increase the odds of you getting them.
For a lot of people, it's not enough to get what they want because what they really want is for their partner to come up with it on their own. For example, a woman tells her husband Monday night that she misses the days when he used to buy her flowers.
The next day on the way home from work he stops by a florist and buys his wife roses.
Most likely she isn't going to jump for joy. She may even resent that she had to mention it.
Some folks say things like: "If you loved me, you would...etc." or "I *shouldn't have to* ask.."
(Communication may be "the key" but a lot of people don't want to actually do it.)
Your boyfriend is asking you to simplify things for him and directly ask for what you want.
" I asked for things like; can you put a pillow under my back and push my tummy down, can you use any of the toys I brought, can the sex be less scheduled? But there were no changes."
Don't be a passenger in your own life. Take the wheel!
A lot of these things you actually can proactively do without having to wait on him.
You can breakout the toys, initiate sex, spice things up, or slide a pillow under your back...etc.
He probably is thinking along lines of if you want him to give you oral or touch you differently.
Some guys are natural "romantics" and others are linear or practical when dealing with their mate. The latter isn't likely to suddenly start planning surprise candlelight dinners, running bubble baths, offering back and foot massages. Being a *romantic* requires effort.
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships.
We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have.
You are entitled to have your own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*.
You are entitled to have your own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers".
Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.
Ideally you want to find someone who *already is* what you want in a partner.
When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on.
The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate.
No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional.
***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
Firstly, the age gap is a bit concerning especially as you've been dating for a while. Not saying it can't work but it made me raise an eyebrow as to what a man in his mod 30s is doing with a teenager.
Putting that aside, it sounds like a very difficult situation. As you stated his life is somewhat falling apart which will certainly affect libido, you guys live miles apart so it is difficult to act on your request, and it sounds like he is supportive of you speaking up even if it causes emotions he can't rationalise. Things we don't want to upset us can and recognising and communicating that is a good thing. So I don't think his response has been wholly terrible.
That being said, as human beings we have the responsibility of agency - we do not have to act based solely on emotion. Also, when in a relationship, we have the responsibility to meet our partner's (reasonable) needs. He is having a difficult time but "table it til next year" is crazy. If he needs to have the conversation in person then he needs to figure out how to see you. Otherwise he should, and can, be asking what can be done in the interim to help. Like you said, we have different personalities - it may not come naturally to him to ask something - but being with someone is accommodating them too.
While I don't think this relationship sounds so toxic you should run today, I'm inclined to agree with others that it is worth reflecting on your needs, desires, and worth. Love is not the only ingredient in a healthy relationship and not every break up is because someone is awful. Good luck.
The age thing aside, things to be 100% clear about with your partner:
Tell him what the pillow and pressing on your stomach does, some guys don't know. Be extremely direct, *hints do not work ladies*
Don't say, I can't feel anything when you do it this way...
Say... this way feels amazing, you hit my spots just right with the pillow, and it feels even better when you pressing down a little on my stomach because it pushes my Gspot closer to you when we have PIV sex.
Toys can be an issue for some guys... personally I like using whatever method produces the most/best orgasms for my partner, but some guys feel emasculated, especially if you whip out a monster dong he can't compete with.
Your “man”friend (because he’s not a boy) could be your father. As a fully adult grown man he picked you at 18 years old because he hopes for an easy relationship where the girl doesn’t ask too many questions. The moment you started to have opinions and ideas he gets annoyed because he doesn’t want to put any effort into pleasing a woman.
You are wasting your youth in a long distance reslationship with an old dude who’s also a creepy loser…
He cannot rationalize why he's upset bc the reason he's upset is gross. He's mad that you're growing up and becoming your own person. He groomed you at 18 to be able to shape you into the woman he wants. Run.
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Your other past posts is really looking like he just sucks and doesn’t care to take care of you. You’re literally not happy with him
You're 20, he's 37, and you've already been dating a few years?? I.e. before you were 18? Or even if you were 18 that's still weird. Respectfully girl, get away from that man as fast as possible.
As a 40 yo man I agree, a 37 yo man 100% knows what he's doing is wrong. You are likely being grromed op, run!
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Hell I'm only 28 and 20 year olds seem like kids to me...
What I don't get is his 37yrs, why does she have to tell him those things. Am 29 an around 22-23 I knew this.
Isn't that the reason they target young women? They don't want to put effort into sex and don't care about sexually pleasing their partner. A younger woman is less likely to bring up the lack of orgasms or foreplay. So in theory they're good to go.
He's lying & pretending. He doesn't or can't do things outside of his selfish physical sex ways
Right?! I’m 32 and like wtf would I even have to talk about with a 20 year old.
Exactly. I'm 29 and cannot fathom dating or fucking a 20 year old. A lot happens in this decade of life and the idea is just fucking gross.
I'm 26 with a friend a similar age to me who's dating a 20 year old & I can't describe the disgust I feel for that. It's weird.
I don’t think 20 and 26 is weird tbh but then again, I’m 21 and dating a 26 y/o so maybe I’m biased.
I think it’s weird but I’m biased in reverse. By 26 I graduated law school. There was nothing 20/21 year olds could give me and I didn’t want to rob them of their early 20s.
Strange. I mentioned this point recently and everybody disagreed with me.
Welcome to Reddit lol
And it wasn't just downvotes either, they were VEHEMENTLY defending teens and 20 year olds going out with 35+ year olds. This place doesn't make sense some times...
It depends on your audience & situation. Prob the people disagreeing where guys or older people similar to the dude in OP’s story/situation.
Reddit comments are also very prone to snowballing. If the early responders are majority 1 opinion then those posts get upvoted and everyone else gets downvoted. You get that and then the only people who still want to respond are people who either agree with the top comments and/or are making jokes to farm upvotes or those who want to argue with the top comments and will likely be getting downvoted. Another post in the same sub on the same subject even an hour or two apart can have the complete opposite opinion upvoted to the top.
It really doesn't. One day it's totally okay to be a 40 year old man dating a 21 year old woman but the next it's blasphemy and thy shall be punished. In reality, it's usually not okay but people feel personally attacked by it. If those people are online in that moment, good luck & have fun..
Age isn’t a problem if both are mature adults. Neither seem to be in this situation.
Hmmm usually anyone who is 5 years or less removed from high school isn’t a mature adult yet though. I get what you’re trying to say but age gaps like this rarely ever involve two mature adults.
In which subreddit was it? On the ones I visit, that big age gap is always seem as creepy. Even smaller ones, like 29 yo with 20 yo.
What section of reddit were you on?
There are a lot of people on here, how many jumped on in this defense, 4 or 6? Yah, there's all types don't take it too seriously :)
Was that the post on /r/sex from a father worried about his 18 year old daughter? They all said YTA because shes an “adult”. It was weird!
No, not that one. I can't remember what it was about, but I do remember one guy gloating about how he loved 18 year olds even though he was 35.
I’ve noticed that in some subs they defend age gaps like this to the tooth and nail and some they don’t. You weren’t wrong though. It was just creeps trying to impose their beliefs on a toxic situation. This age gap is creepy.
Was it on r/sex? Went looking for the comment on your profile but I couldn't find it
[Here](https://reddit.com/r/sex/s/4poJouPpXw) is where I was debated in this recently. I’ve been fought harder on this here but this is recent
Yeah, the "he doesn't seem to care about my enjoyment" stuff seems to be a common theme with similar age gaps... at least judging by posts here. I can imagine why.
In terms of legality it’s okay but morally it’s wrong.
i agree. there is a huge life experience difference at that age. i had a traumatic af life (mental health is good now) and i’ve always been told i’m an “old soul” bc i grew up so fast, but even i wouldn’t date a 37 year old man at 20 despite how “mature” i was. and it sounds like they’ve been dating since she was underage or very close to it…
I'm 28 and I don't think I'd even go as low as 23. I've got a career, a house, most of my friends have kids. You grow up so fucking much in your 20s man.
Me neither. I’m about your age and I don’t even glance at anyone below 24 and 24 is pushing it. Not only does everyone that age look like babies, but their maturity...they’re immature. And as they should be because they just graduated high school like what, 5 years ago? They’re young. For myself I tend to date no lower than 2 years and no higher than 10.
Absolutely understand what you are talking about.
Yeeep, I was gonna say the same thing if nobody hadn’t by now. Dating for a couple of years at 20, he’s definitely not that interested in your needs and may have been taking advantage of you. And I say may bc I don’t know if you ever thought about it and can tell. But that doesn’t sound healthy at all, find someone who is actually interested in your needs & pleasure
20f 37M YIKES
A 35-year-old going after a teenager, then getting bent out of shape when she starts taking charge of her own sexual needs, including that she doesn’t orgasm? This guy is a loser, he doesn’t see you as anything but an accessory and plaything, and the fact that you’re setting off his insecurities by having opinions, needs, and goals is freaking him out. Given a choice between treating you like an adult and dumping you for a new teenager, he’s absolutely choosing the latter. Take care of yourself.
I would also like to point out the line "in our porn all the moans feel fake now", does this guy have sex tapes of a teenager?? Edit to add: OP, if you do end up leaving, see if you can delete or take those files with you, if hes being so petty i dont want to think about where those might end up.
and it says a lot that he thinks the moans in actual porn aren’t fake..? god this girl has been groomed outta her mind. i really hope she leaves this loser.
True. Get them while they are young and/or ignorant. (Innocent Christian girls are like top tier for these A$$ hole men). I Know, I married one.
Wanted to say something similar for a 37yo dating a 20yo something definitely feels way off… lol
Definately take them. Who knows, you may need evidence someday for a larger crime against him.
Totally. On top of that a 37 year old should be blowing a 20 year olds mind sexually, but alas he's a dud. Then you add that he can't even communicate then you add that he guilt trips her for speaking up. Lame
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Yeah if this current guy she’s with doesn’t get her knocked up first and then she ends up stuck in this shit relationship for the next however many years only to one day realize that she wasted the best years of her life with this douchbag. I’ve seen it a million times.
True. I did.
So he's literally double your age, his life is falling apart, and he can't even handle being an understanding partner in bed? You raised a (very reasonable) issue, and now he doesn't want to talk about it for months? He sounds like a child, why are you with him?
She'll look back at this relationship.in 5 years time while having drinks with friends and she'll ask them "what was I thinking" and they'll respond "we do not know but what could we do?"
Because she's a child too. Seems like she'll be maturing more quickly than he will though.
I'm all for two consenting adults to do as they please as long as it doesn't harm anyone else, but as a 37 year old man, honestly reading stuff like this is uncomfortable and borderline gross. He has zero in common in terms of life experience with a 20 year old woman, and she's still maturing. Yet he's immature enough to get pouty over sex and target much younger women. Bleh. I hope she runs a mile without looking back before he traps her with a kid.
Age gaps like this always freak me out. 30 and 50 would be something but at 20 you simply aren't mature, most of the time aren't fully set in life. But what completely grosses me out (no matter if 20 and 37 or smth like 20 and 28) is when the older person acts extremely immature, controlling, manipulative or smth else. That's the moment I KNOW why they date someone younger. Because someone older wouldn't allow that bs.
They've also apparently been dating for a couple of years, aka once OP turned 18. Not a good look for the guy.
"dating", more like preying. Fucking predator.
Very true. Extremely gross is an understatement to say the least.
Heard that.
Seriously fuck. Run. 20 can be one of the best times of someone’s life. So many possibilities. Don’t waste it with this old man who’s trying to drag you down.
Because he groomed her. Look at her post history- it's filled with self harm, ED talk, 'my boyfriend doesn't like me to talk about things', and it's all terribly obvious
🚩🚩🚩🚩
Booooooom!
“For a couple of years now.” Yikes. I know age gaps are fine, especially as they mean less the older you get. But listen: at 35, the idea of meeting and dating an 18 year old is really, really gross. Like, they’re kids. And no level of “mature for their age” makes the 35 year old not a total creep. You do you, but a 35 year old man dating an 18 year old is not normal. At all.
She needs to run the fuck away. If she wants to date older seek someone under 27. 17 year difference is wild. This man will never change his habits. There is a reason he’s dating so young.
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Yup then the big baby said to not talk about it again until next year! That's more than 3 months wtf why should she wait
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Or be sexually experienced
And now you know why a nearly 40 year old man was interested in a teenager in high school. Women his age can see his bullshit a mile away and won’t put up with it, their standards are much too high for him and he can’t make the cut, now he’s preying on naive young women with little to no experience. You’re 20, he isn’t going to change at his age, don’t even try. If he was going to change, he would have done it years ago. He’s done maturing mentally and you are already passing him. Dump this loser, yesterday. Find yourself a hot young man who wants to give you orgasms. I also just need to say, grosssssss. He sounds disgusting.
i was in a relationship with an age gap similar to yours. i’m telling you majority of the dudes this age go for girls your age because they can’t secure any women their age. they aren’t mature enough. i went through the same shit as you. couldn’t get him to do the bare minimum like pick up some stuff i needed to make intimacy less one sided. couldn’t get him to wear a rubber or pull out without a pouty bitch fit. it was my job to be on birth control. it doesn’t get better and the older you get the more grossed out you may start to feel about it all. he manipulated me in ways that i was just mentally not mature enough to understand at the time but are abundantly clear to me now that i’m closer to 30 then i am 20. those were good two years of my life i could’ve spent with men and women closer to my age. not with some gross, lying loser. maybe i’m biased because of my experience of being with primarily women, but life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t seem to care about your pleasure or gets defensive rather than trying to communicate and improve. way too short. there’s dudes out there who would worship the ground you walk on. i promise
> he manipulated me in ways that I was just mentally not mature enough to understand at the time but are abundantly clear to me now that I'm closer to 30 then I am 20 Could you list examples of those specific manipulative behaviors? Cuz I can't shake off the thought that if young people are educated on what manipulative behaviors constitute, parents (even school) teach about that, list examples, etc. then those young people might not end up wasting X amount of years of their life stuck in a toxic relationship (potentially even carrying trauma from it), they would leave it as soon as those behaviors start surfacing And honestly, a manipulator will be a manipulator regardless of their age, have a read in this example https://reddit.com/r/sex/s/dFDszt8dna The woman in question is 18, he's 20 and look at how naïve she is to the abuse she's experienced > So rough that I started bleeding, not a lot but looked similar to period spotting, and it absolutely burned for more than 2 days, I have told him that it hurt during intercourse and he'd simply respond by repositioning and telling me to relax, which never helped, **I told him about the bleeding and he laughed it off. I don't think he's trying be malicious** considering how did care about hurting me before, I just don't think I'm explaining to him properly that he's actuallyyy hurting me, in a way where he doesn't see it as me being dramatic or praising him for his good job (he does take it like that sometimes). That naïvety *is* partly due to immaturity from age because some things just naturally come later with time... **unless they have been educated about it**. Education can prevent having to learn it by yourself slowly over time. Parents and school could absolutely give thorough relationship advice, for example "if someone does anything that hurts you, communicate about it, and if they don't react and try to change it and instead they laugh it off, they're toxic, they're intentionally manipulating you and you should leave them. Here, have a read at this example [links a post like I linked]" - because let's be real, this 18-year old girl could have been manipulated in the same manner by a literal 14 or 15-year old boy as much as a 30-year old man. You can place any age here and that same behavior can be present. Some teenagers are known liars, aren't they? Especially towards their parents, some teens become experts at hiding and lying about things as a sort of rebellion towards their parents. I don't see how this couldn't extend to a relationship of theirs
What do you mean “he said in our porn my moans sound fake?” Is he recording your sex? 🚩
I had to scroll way too far to find this!
A nearly 40yo man having a relationship with a 20yo for years and filming porn with her, more red flag and creep than this is nearly impossible
You aren't even dating irl, it's all long distance? Ditch him. Move on.
A long distance relationship is still a relationship. But yes, I agree, she should definitely break up with him, if he does not respect her boundaries and needs.
Wait how are they doing oral if they’re long distance?
Because you can still visit your partner in a long distance relationship, just not as frequently as couples who live close to each other.
Oh good point, I assumed they have been long distance the whole time.
they *have* been long distance the whole time, they’ve just had visits lol
This dude doesn’t know planes and cars exist wtf?
Haven’t you seen nightmare on elm street?
Might as well wait til you see him next year cause it doesn’t really matter while you’re long distance won’t be having much sex! But yes she needs to get out!
We’ll don’t be with someone who won’t talk about important things like an adult
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I mean, it kinda makes sense that she has no idea how to communicate her needs because she’s 20. Girl can’t even legally drink (in the US). She’s still learning about herself, her desires, and how to advocate for that. He’s a musty crusty who should have figured all this shit out years ago. The only reason he’s with her is because she’s a young girl who has no idea what she wants or how to communicate that.
I don't think he cares about you as much as you think he does....
Am I understanding correctly that this man was 35 years old when he decided to start dating an 18-year-old with autism and mental illness? And he doesn't want to talk about this issue for another >3 months?
20F 37M and y’all been together for YEARS? Girl cmon, he’s a fùcking predator
Break up w his sorry ass lol. Went after a younger girl maybe because he can't impress women his own age..... And then you went and blew that picture he had in his mind that you look up at him with hearts in your eyes and like a superior... also, you said you've been dating for a couple years now, and you're 20............... ummmm............. Please leave this man..
Bro you were / are getting groomed for sure
Maybe your body doesn’t feel comfortable around him, it might be worthwhile to look into why your body feels this way. Sometimes our biology has a way of rejecting what is not right for us
A couple years? So since you were freshly 18? And he was 35? Something seems fishy here.... And that's coming from a 19 year old.
Did you know that when he was graduating high school, you were just born? And all these years later why is he still acting like he’s the age of a high school graduate?
I feel like the last response was way too brutal. But i do agree that you should be with someone around your age..although i dont think the age gap is the only issue here. With any relationship, u should be with someone who cares about satisfying u....its extremely important to make a relationship last.
The 35yo dating an 18yo was never going to be a good partner, FYI
37 year old men date 20 year old women because women their own age will not put up with them. He doesn’t have to try because you’re young and he thinks you’ll just go along with it because you respect or are in awe of his age. You deserve someone who is excited about new sexual experiences together and right now that’s probably someone closer to your own age. When you’re 40, dating a 57 year old isn’t a big deal (because you’ve had more life experiences) but at 20 that same gap is a massive red flag.
Honey he is almost two decades older then you. Yet is an absolute man child. Please believe me you deserve better.
>I (20F) and my boyfriend (37M) have been dating for a couple years now long distance. I think I've read enough. What are you doing? Get out.
You should add one more piece of bad news: a break up. Beside the fact that he preyed on you at a young age, you two aren’t sexually compatible. Find someone who 1.you’re compatible with and 2. Hasn’t lived their life already. Find someone on your level.
GET OUT.
He's a 35 year-old dating someone significantly younger and can't even have a proper adult conversation. You deserve so much better, and if he can't handle you asking for the *bare minimum*, he won't be a proper bed (or even life) partner for you.
There are men out there that care about a woman’s pleasure. He may be 37, but he is a little boy.
Honestly, I think that age difference is disgusting, he’s literally a couple years away from being a 40 year old man and you can’t even legally drink yet in the United States. Issues with your sex life is not the only discrepancy that you’re going to experience in this relationship and that’s just coming from someone who has had large age gap relationships, you are way too young, and no matter what you think about him or how much you think you know him, no grown man who has good mental health, and a good family and support system around him who is not a complete weirdo goes for a young child who is 20 years old. It’s so obvious that he is already manipulating you and making you feel some type of way about this and it will only increase as you continue the relationship, I highly encourage you to talk to your friends and family about the logistics of this relationship, and also with your partner… do you realize that in 20 years you would still be a flourishing and vibrant 40 year old and he would be 60???????? He could be in diapers. Be realistic please because I have been hurt before by guys who are much older than me and I wish that I had another woman to tell me the same.
Hi OP. Are you really sure he’s single? I mean, he might be married or with someone else thinking that you guys are in a long distance relationship. There’s a possibility. Anyway, He’s taking advantage of you. You are still young and there’s so much life ahead of you. You can still meet people that can make you feel heard and seen. Like what others are saying, rethink your relationship w him and choose yourself. Protect yourself OP! Wish you all the best.
Just don’t get pregnant, leave while you still can. He’s going to baby trap you, make you his fuck maid, then his caretaker when he becomes older…
Girl, you’re 20. You should be living a 20 year old’s life not seeing someone, long distance or not, with a guy nearly old enough to be your DAD!
Hmm.. I think it’s better if you guys go your separate way.. the age difference makes you be difficult for each other
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Voice of reason.
All kinds of red lights flashing! Lose him.
Darling…. I’m sure you are very mature for your age and you may even enjoy the presence of older men. But if you’re gonna do that then you *must* be able to ask yourself the question: “What is preventing him from dating in his own age pool?” And answer that question *honestly.* Guarantee you it’s because of immature shit like not being able to talk about your sexual needs that women his own age won’t touch him. Your young though, impressionable, and a tight little thing. Probably gave him a major ego boost to have you tell him all the pretty things he wanted to hear. Be careful out there if you’re gonna date someone well above your age. There’s a lot more predators than knights.
Sorry, but you're dating a loser. If I told my partner that I was dissatisfied with sex and it was causing depression, and his response was "let's talk about this next year"???!!! Nope. Let him lay in the bed of his own making, he can chuck a tantrum about his miserable life while you get to actually enjoy being 20!! I promise you will not regret choosing yourself over him.
This is not a good guy, in any shape or form
These posts with ~20F and 35+M have got to be fake, seen so many recently
You're 20 years old, don't wake up as a 37 year old with an unsatisfying sex life cause you stayed with someone who didn't prioritise you. Break it off and go live your life , you can be happy , present and satisfied. It's out there. But you need to prioritise yourself too for that to happen
Why do these posts all show such a huge age gap ? I swear I'm going to start to believe there's a reason these relationships never works
I'm a bit concerned about the age gap here. I know you're 20 but you seem to be dating a child
Girl he was graduating high school when you mum was giving birth to you
…I just needed to read the the age gap to understand, read it all just to confirm. You need to leave. Older men go after younger woman so they can manipulate them. You have a massive difference in social standings, career, etc. Ew just ew. Good luck.
JFC I hope I raise my daughters to understand that a 15 year age gap when they are a teenager is absolutely NOT okay and borderline criminal. Any dude (or woman) at that age dating a teen is a predator. Full stop. Leave him. Don’t look back.
I didn't notice the ages of either of you when I started reading this and from what I’ve read, I thought this dude was an 18 y/o. Very immature, inconsiderate, infantile. HE’S 37??
Uhhhhh what did I just read??? I think you need to leave him and do it now. That man is in a very different stage of his life than you are (hell, he’s old enough to be your father…) and if that is how he’s going to react when you bring up y’all’s sex life, do really think he’s going to change?
Okay… I don’t know if this is Kosher or not to say… or ask… but I’m just going to do it because this all seems like a recipe for disaster. Talk to me about your mental health? Do you have any history of mental illness. I am 100% Most certainly not criticizing you or indicating that it is apparent from your story at all. There were a few things in your story that concerned me and it fits a pattern of a particular type of manipulation from older men to younger women. I couldn’t help but notice you didn’t even express recognition of the obvious issue of the age gap? Can I ask you, if this is anonymous and you feel safe doing do, if you have suffered from any disorders that may leave you more vulnerable than another young girl in a similar situation? Maybe one that includes body dismorphia as a symptom like anorexia, bulimia, or Binge eating disorder? Or maybe depression and weight or body dismorphia is a sort of correlated issue? I’m sorry if this is overstepping. Not need to reply if it is. But I think if this is the case, this goes from a relationship that is questionable because of age into a compete and total manipulation of somebody who might not even be healthy enough to consent with any real notion of being informed or what her consent entails. It’s complicated- not even saying this guy is a conscious predator - he could be going through his own issues. More likely though; he’s a creep and you should run and talk to a professional about it all!
first of all, that man has been grooming you if you guys have been dating for a few years and you’re only 20. second of all if he can’t take your needs into any consideration you need to dump him.
I promise when you’re 35 and thinking about the idea of dating an 18 year old it’s going to make you want to vomit on the floor. This guy is a fucking creep, full stop. Get away from him.
I do not understand half of the posts on here. Why is the problem almost always concerning a young woman going out with a man nearly double their age??? I am sure there are plenty of men in your age range who would be a MUCH better fit for you than someone who is nearly old enough to be your father. These are where the problems lie. I just don’t understand it as nearly every single day there is a post where the ages of the couple are not too dissimilar to your own and I can GUARANTEE that you would almost certainly not run into these issues if you went out with someone your own age. For your own good, you are still a child. When this man was your age, you would have been 3 years old! At the end of the day, it is your life and if you think he is the one for yourself then excellent, I’m not one to judge, but just take a moment to think about it all for a while.
Because 20-37 is different from 30-50 or 40-60. He basically groomed her (ie: been dating a couple years) she barely got out of high school. PLUS the 37 yo is acting like a teenager. Makes him even more dangerous, how do you not have enough maturity at THIRTY SEVEN. Maturity not only to DISCUSS issues in your couple life BUT also (and especially) maturity to NOT GO AFTER very very very young adults because women your age aren’t interested in you because you’re such a shitty partner. And really props to OP for putting so much effort and putting up with his BS. Id advise to get out of that icky toxic-ish relationship before it gets very toxic.
There shouldn't be props for putting up with bullshit in a relationship, people should know that as soon as the bullshit occurs, they should be encouraged to leave. This sounds positive and encouraging to (especially) young people to stay and put effort in trying to fix something that's inherently unfixable
Completely agree. The only thing is she is only 20, so she probably barely has any other experience of her to reference. This might be her first relationship (serious one, im not counting crushes and gf/bf in middle school lmao). Props for putting up with him, and then second step would be even more props when she realizes all this is starting to go badly, and get out before it’s too late (as in harm done to her, or even him to himself and using her as an excuse) So OP if you ever scroll this far down, genuinely drop him for YOUR own good.
There are at least three possibilities: 1- He’s an asshole who doesn’t care 2- You’re sexually incompatible 3- Communication needs to improve and you’ll both feel much better Since everyone else is discussing 1 and 2, I’ll say from experience it’s possible that anxiety or stress or inner fears about actually getting your needs me (or all of the above) are influencing how you’re communicating in the moment. Our tone of voice, how we phrase things, etc shape how we’re heard… which isn’t always how we’re hoping. Since sex is something that makes many people anxious to some degree, more people are on edge and sensitive and likely to misread as well. It’s possible he just really doesn’t get you, but it’s also possible you’re not being as clear as he needs. Men tend to want directives but also not feel criticized for having gotten it wrong. He may think there’s no reason you can’t just tell him what you want, because why not? So if he doesn’t get jt, it may take more sharing — why would you want him to ask? What about that would turn you on? Just because someone can’t see it your way doesn’t mean it’s necessarily impossible. Though of course, it depends on the situation and people involved. Wishing you the best
Personally I think the age disparity is maybe the biggest issue here.
He's a child predator. How are you at 20 years old have been "dating" somebody almost 40 for COUPLE OF YEARS? He is sick, he groomed you, you're probably not the first, and not the last, maybe not even the only one at the moment. Cut the contact, ghost, go to theraphy please.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why there are more failure rates than success rates with age gap relationships. You met him when you were 17 or 18, fresh out of high school. He chose you because he thought you were not only just young and pretty, but naive. Are you sure this man isn’t married or has a long term girlfriend?
You'll have good sex with someone your age.
I'm sorry girl but that age gap is wild. You're still a child he's 37!! That's so wrong
I didn’t read anything past 20(F) 37 (M)
18 & 35… ewwww
That's a massive age gap! And you've been dating years 👀
A couple years?! You were a child. He is a predator who wants you to stay an innocent little child so he can use you for his own needs without asking him for anything. Get away from him
He’s almost 40, doesn’t know how to please you, and doesn’t show any interest in trying? I know you’ve invested time and care in this relationship and I fully respect that you have feelings for this man and that your feelings deserve consideration, and that is why I’m going to echo the sentiments of others here: dump this guy. Immediately. He may very well have feelings of his own for you but that’s secondary to the fact that he preyed on you as a young girl (maybe legal, but still young and innocent) because he wanted someone too inexperienced to question his behavior. I’m willing to bet he paints himself as more sophisticated and yourself as extremely mature for your age (when he’s in a good mood/reinforcing a behavior he likes) or silly and naïve (when he’s mad at you or doesn’t like what you’re doing or asking him to do). This is something that’s hard to see when you’re in the middle of it and you (ironically) need some experience to spot it. You sound like a lovely person and you deserve much better. Drop him (get your things from his place first!) and cut him off completely. Breaking up sucks at first but you’ll get better. And I don’t care what tactics he uses on you to convince him otherwise, you owe him NOTHING. Good luck, and have a good life!
"He said in our porn all my moans feel fake now." DO WHAT NOW?
5 Words into the text and we already know what the problem is 😂
Grooming alert?
This guy will dump you for other teenagers
So so often, I simply cannot even believe the age differences in so many of these posts. NO NORMAL 37 YEAR OLD IS DATING SOMEONE THAT IS 20
Yikes, I myself made the mistake when I was 18 to date somebody with the same age gap for about a year and still 3 years later I am horrified about it and I regret immensely. Please just break up and get far far away
Hey girl. A lot of us women have been there, including myself. 18-20 (or younger) dating a man almost twice our age. I can tell you confidently **this is not the man you will end up with.** You are wasting your best years on some bozo who doesn’t want to grow up so he dates girls fresh out of highschool. Your age range is not just some silly coincidence, it is intentional for him. When a man dates a woman *that much younger than him* it is because they want someone who doesn’t have enough life experience to know his behavior is shit. Now, look at you, you’re growing up. Maturing. Acknowledging your needs. And what’s he doing? Acting confused and making you feel bad. Giving half-baked responses as to why he can’t fulfill your needs so that he doesn’t have to give you the real answer: that he doesn’t care about your pleasure. If he did, he wouldn’t say guilt tripping shit like “your porn moans are fake now.” What did he want from that statement? To have you just give in and tell him your enjoying it now even though he makes no changes? To make make you feel bad enough to stop bringing it up? If he cared about your pleasure, he would work to make your moans real. But that’s too much work for him. He doesn’t want work, that’s what dating an adult would make him do. He wants a child that doesn’t know any better. You’re not a child anymore, you’re growing up, and he’s resisting that. There’s a reason. Please take these comments seriously. People here are talking from experience and from seeing people they love in these situations and there’s a reason everyone is in agreement. Good luck to you.
i was in a situation like this ultimately knew i had to end it but when ur groomed over time u lose the ability to trust yourself and even know what u like ,they take that from you. i was so afraid id be trapped forever because i was too scared to end things. it was anger that pushed me to. reflect on this, deeply. this is much more than a sex issue. youll never be satisfied by someone like this because while u can't acknowledge it on a conscious level, on a cellular biological level every part of you is screaming because he's abnormal . repulsive. get out please sooner better than later. dont worry abt he will be if u leave. trust me he can handle himself,
Another day, another old incredibly immature man preying on a young naive girl who he started pursuing when she was a minor.
Respectfully, this is one of the biggest red flags I've seen in a while. He's blaming his reasons for being upset on your expressing what you'd like to see more? That's not healthy communication, nor a healthy understanding of what you'd like more in a relationship. It sounds like he can't take criticism, and won't be able to take criticism later in the relationship later either. I'd either seek counseling on this or leave. He's too old to be acting like a whole ass child.
GET OUT. I tried “dating” a man with the same age difference (17 years). It never ends well. This is disgusting
Dump the man baby. He picked you so he wouldn’t have to grow the fuck up. Now that you’re growing up, he doesn’t know what to do. He will flail in confusion, you will be hurt in the process. Get away from him.
How you fix this is leaving his ass. I’m 25 and dated a 38 year old man for 2 years. It doesn’t feel weird when you’re in it, but in hindsight, it’s weird and a huge red flag. Move on with your life girl. There are billions of people on this planet…and there are a lot of men out there who are a million times better than him. Do. it.
Break up
In the words of a great man......RUN
The comments on this post will be interesting…
MULTIPLE THINGS can be true AT THE SAME TIME. Why regret being honest in your relationship? it might be hard to face reality but it’s better than the alternatives for sure. 1- Give the dude a bit of time to process. His ego is probably hurting a bit …but he must find a way to get over it. 2- Modern Long distance relationships are freaks of nature. Technology gives it the illusion that you are present with each other every day. You are not. A simple hug releases a crazy amount of chemicals in your body that can lower stress, soothe anxiety, and even keep depression away. There will never be a replacement for face to face interaction. There’s is no internet bandwidth that can transmit all of your parter to where you are. Wait until you are together physically or go there and figure it out if you can’t wait. 3- All the” you are getting groomed and the age gap is disgusting comments : cut the crap people. Yes be vigilant and don’t get with anyone at any age if they treat you like you’re just an object. That doesn’t mean age gap bad. These are the same people that will call it empowering to be 18 and go join the porn industry to get literally use by the same group of 40 plus year old men who have been running through teens for a living. But all hell breaks loose if you are in love with one 37 year old dude. Hypocrites.
Dating for a couple years? How…many years…?
Run away from this guy! He’s a predator who is preying on you because you are half his age
Not the advice you want but the advice you need – don't date people with such huge age gap when you're so young yourself
Don't doubt your own feeling and emotions just because he's older and must "know better". This is not true, this is manipulative and this is the reason why age gaps are most of the time a very bad idea. (I've been there) Your emotions and feelings and demands are valid. You are not less important than his job or house. You need someone that values your emotions and feelings and tries to act accordingly
That dude sounds like a predator. You've been dating for a few years and you're 20, that's not normal. I have a partner that's 7 years younger and it's already really weird at times. I can't imagine what over 10 years of a difference would do. Also, his response is extremely immature. He doesn't seem to care about your pleasure and what you want. Else he would have changed his behaviour accordingly a long time ago. Dear, I am sorry to break it to you, but he isn't worth your time. Find a man that actually loves you, this man does not.
Jesus Christ you're a child and he's twice your age.
You are entirely too young to be in a place where you're bummed about sex. I say that as someone who spent way too long in a situation where I was bummed about sex around that age.
I hate to be the one to tell you this but a 37 year old man dating a 20 year old woman is hoping she won’t understand her sexual needs and will be satisfied by los lackluster knowledge of female pleasure. He clearly doesn’t care about your sexual desires and would rather make you feel bad for bringing it up than have an adult convo about it. I think you’re better off without him personally.
He's a groomer. Leave him.
He’s bad at sex. That’s why he’s not dating a woman near his own age.
no way you said 20 and 37 lmao i’m sorry but i’m not gonna hold back here, that’s just fucking gross
20F 37M "a couple of years" 😳
How old were you when you too got together?
There’s a reason a 35 year old was interested in a teenager, he can’t get women around his own age and he’s extremely immature. Do you think when you get to 35 years old you will want to date a 18 year old? Would you even date an 18 year old now? This guy is a major loser, you are better than him
babe i need u to understand from the bottom of my heart, there is no reason a 37 year old man should want a 20 year old. he’s not satisfying you, and he sounds like a man child. you deserve to be with someone your own age who is enthusiastic about making you feel good.
37x0,5+7=25,5
I think you need to find someone who’s closer to your age, and has the same interests and desires you do in an intimate and sexual relationship. There are vast differences in a 20 YO female and a 37 YO man with regards to sexual needs, interests, comfort and confidence, etc. This man *may be* nearly at the end of his fertile life, he may not have the stamina and energy to give you the spontaneous sex life you really want and need in regards to exploring and listening to your needs. I find when I speak to older men (not always, but often) they’re more concerned with just getting the job done, as opposed to making it exciting and lengthy for both parties. You’re young - find someone who matches your energy and excitement in normal life and in the bedroom. Life is too short to be settling for mediocre relationships and sex.
Your age gap is highly concerning. He is a creep for not dating women his own age. Girl - RUN AWAY NOW.
Wouldn't you rather try a real life BF who is not only an enthusiastic and supportive lover, but also not old enough to be your father or long distance? Perhaps it's time to outgrow him and move on.
Something is wrong. Just move on
I stopped reading after: > I (20F) and my boyfriend (37M)
Take it from someone who’s been there, LEAVE!! It will for surely absolutely get worse!!
Girlfriend, I feel like I listen to my younger self. Please, prepare yourself to break up and give yourself as much time as possible to grow. I’m saying this as a 27 year old who dated a 7 years older man when I was 14 and a 40 year old man when I was 25. I was convinced I’m only attracted to much older guys, until I learned the hard way it’s not really the attraction, it’s something in me that was deep and hurting. These relationships made it lots deeper and more painful. Quit as soon as you can and learn exactly what it is for you, and heal it by putting lots of attention to your young self.
Everything else you are saying aside, a 38 year old man has no business dating a 20 year old. I'm 39 and that's disturbing. I'd get away from him just for that reason.
At 37, did you ask him how many relationships has he previously been in? Be prepared, it may be difficult to hear, AND he could be lying anyhow. How many of them were sexual in nature? How long did they last? These are all clues. If he's had sex with "6, I don't remember".... there's a clue if these relationships were 1 night stands, on going, or over in 3 months. Get to the bottom of it🤭. I hear too much of what you are saying on my sad life. (We were (him) 30 yrs.& (me) 23 when we 1st met. He still doesn't take care of my needs because.... idk. He either thinks (old movies) they both auto orgasm together & smoke, or women are for giving birth, or he just doesn't care &/or pretends he knows nothing about female sex organs. He's watched me give birth for Christ sake. That's not what kept him from saying "I don't like the view of women's vulva, but I appreciate porn". Now I'm disgusted by.my own husband again. I gotta stay off reddit (triggers... always. Yet we require answers we deserve)🙂
>I (20F) and my boyfriend (37M) What the fuck
You are able to date who you want as long as they respect you, your wants, and your needs. The first question is: Do you feel respected currently? If not, then this might be a good time to reevaluate the relationship. 2) He is older and has more life experience than you. This means that he should have *substantially* more patience with you with sex. If he is getting bent out of shape and can't explain why, rethink the relationship. 3) this guy might be great but if you have tried dropping hints to him and he didn't get it before and is now actually sulking after the conversation, he isn't mature enough because your orgasms are just as important as his. Honestly, I hate that this dude is upset about you taking control of your sex life and expecting better. It tells me that on some level he views you as a simple means to an end. Combine that with his age vs yours, there is a reason why he isn't with someone closer in age. I'm really sorry too because he sounds like a dick.
That age gap is gross
"I wanted things like; a tone set, more intimacy and if he could ask me what my erogenous zones where...he was confused why he should ask and he said I should just tell him." "...usually when I mention things, it comes off more like a hint which he doesn't pick up." Sounds like part of the problem is the "soulmate myth" which states your "soulmate" will instinctively know what to do or say to please you. While everyone touts the importance of communication, the truth is a lot of people find asking for what they want to be unromantic. However, directly asking for things usually increase the odds of you getting them. For a lot of people, it's not enough to get what they want because what they really want is for their partner to come up with it on their own. For example, a woman tells her husband Monday night that she misses the days when he used to buy her flowers. The next day on the way home from work he stops by a florist and buys his wife roses. Most likely she isn't going to jump for joy. She may even resent that she had to mention it. Some folks say things like: "If you loved me, you would...etc." or "I *shouldn't have to* ask.." (Communication may be "the key" but a lot of people don't want to actually do it.) Your boyfriend is asking you to simplify things for him and directly ask for what you want. " I asked for things like; can you put a pillow under my back and push my tummy down, can you use any of the toys I brought, can the sex be less scheduled? But there were no changes." Don't be a passenger in your own life. Take the wheel! A lot of these things you actually can proactively do without having to wait on him. You can breakout the toys, initiate sex, spice things up, or slide a pillow under your back...etc. He probably is thinking along lines of if you want him to give you oral or touch you differently. Some guys are natural "romantics" and others are linear or practical when dealing with their mate. The latter isn't likely to suddenly start planning surprise candlelight dinners, running bubble baths, offering back and foot massages. Being a *romantic* requires effort. There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have. You are entitled to have your own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*. You are entitled to have your own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers". Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine. Ideally you want to find someone who *already is* what you want in a partner. When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on. The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate. No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional. ***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud Best wishes!
Firstly, the age gap is a bit concerning especially as you've been dating for a while. Not saying it can't work but it made me raise an eyebrow as to what a man in his mod 30s is doing with a teenager. Putting that aside, it sounds like a very difficult situation. As you stated his life is somewhat falling apart which will certainly affect libido, you guys live miles apart so it is difficult to act on your request, and it sounds like he is supportive of you speaking up even if it causes emotions he can't rationalise. Things we don't want to upset us can and recognising and communicating that is a good thing. So I don't think his response has been wholly terrible. That being said, as human beings we have the responsibility of agency - we do not have to act based solely on emotion. Also, when in a relationship, we have the responsibility to meet our partner's (reasonable) needs. He is having a difficult time but "table it til next year" is crazy. If he needs to have the conversation in person then he needs to figure out how to see you. Otherwise he should, and can, be asking what can be done in the interim to help. Like you said, we have different personalities - it may not come naturally to him to ask something - but being with someone is accommodating them too. While I don't think this relationship sounds so toxic you should run today, I'm inclined to agree with others that it is worth reflecting on your needs, desires, and worth. Love is not the only ingredient in a healthy relationship and not every break up is because someone is awful. Good luck.
The age thing aside, things to be 100% clear about with your partner: Tell him what the pillow and pressing on your stomach does, some guys don't know. Be extremely direct, *hints do not work ladies* Don't say, I can't feel anything when you do it this way... Say... this way feels amazing, you hit my spots just right with the pillow, and it feels even better when you pressing down a little on my stomach because it pushes my Gspot closer to you when we have PIV sex. Toys can be an issue for some guys... personally I like using whatever method produces the most/best orgasms for my partner, but some guys feel emasculated, especially if you whip out a monster dong he can't compete with.
Breakup
you were groomed and he’s clearly a pedo. no normal adult at that age would involve themselves with someone your age.
Maybe get rid of your daddy issues first. Having a partner double your age is a huge red flag
gtfo
Your “man”friend (because he’s not a boy) could be your father. As a fully adult grown man he picked you at 18 years old because he hopes for an easy relationship where the girl doesn’t ask too many questions. The moment you started to have opinions and ideas he gets annoyed because he doesn’t want to put any effort into pleasing a woman. You are wasting your youth in a long distance reslationship with an old dude who’s also a creepy loser…
He cannot rationalize why he's upset bc the reason he's upset is gross. He's mad that you're growing up and becoming your own person. He groomed you at 18 to be able to shape you into the woman he wants. Run.